Speaking of marriage, I decided to try internet dating. Seems to be a lot like applying for jobs so far, it's fucking tedious writing these letters to photographs on the internet. Haven't had much luck so far (ok got one "that's the best introduction I've ever got" and one other "we have to meet some time!" in the last few days but I think both of them may turn out to be low self esteem goth chicks, or 50yr old dudes with herpes) and it seems way slower than going to a club and hitting on drunk chicks. Haven't really worked out a good approach yet, interested to hear some constructive criticism of a couple of my "cover letters" from the more experienced internet dating types:
#1:
Hello my african-american nigger, I am the average adult dating site male member, and despite not having actually seen you or even a particularly good picture of you, would like to compliment you on your stunning good looks. The reason I compliment you is the same reason I'd usually offer to buy you a drink - in order to substitute kind words and/or money for my total lack of personality. And looks, I forgot looks.
Speaking of looks, I am stunningly good looking. Observe my profile picture of my massive, tanned pectoral muscles, which has conveniently omitted my head just in case you later try to double check whether my photo really is of me.
Unfortunately I can't pretend to offer you any kind of wit, humour or understanding of sarcasm, but I can guarantee you won't be disappointed with me. I don't have any particular way to guarantee it except potentially to offer you a refund if you keep your receipt, but I might just lie and say you just made a fake receipt anyway.
It goes without saying that since I am on the internet, my penis is at least 50% larger than anyone else's. Despite the fact that this causes me to black out when I get hard due to my body not having the extra litre of blood required to keep me both conscious and erect, I am simply amazing in bed. You can tell this is true, because an anonymous guy (me) on the internet told you so.
Feel free to message me back if you'd like to take a drive in my brand new Lexus/Mercedes/whatever it is yuppies drive these days.
Hopefully you've gotten to this stage and understood where I'm coming from - if you haven't picked up the sarcasm, don't even bother replying. A decent pic and some ramblings about yourself would be sweet, along with a list of the 3 best (or just silliest) things you've ever done. Girls who can't actually think of 3 interesting things they've done don't make the cut, no two ways about it - shit boring people are not for me.
with extraneous, verbose and unwarranted erotic regards,
Steve
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#2
Dear madam,
I would like to formally apply for the position of doggy style, advertised on this website recently, via your profile. However, doggy style commonly entails me pulling your hair, which from your photos could pose a significant problem: you appear to have no head. This also makes me question your honesty, as you appear to have ticked the "oral - giving" box with no thought as to how this is going to happen when your head and mouth are both missing, presumed dead. It also brings into doubt your alleged youth and the status of your chronological deterioration from "chick" to "chook" - because I've never seen anyone "running around like a headless chick" before. And before you ask, no, I don't really know what all those big words mean.
So a little about myself for the sake of provoking conversation like an angry bear (btw bears are quite cool and you should make sure you see one in the flesh one day. I don't mean literally in the flesh, cos chances are it would be your flesh it's in, and by that time you're fucked either literally or figuratively). My name is Steve, which must be some kind of astrological coincidence because my horoscope today said I will face challenges and potentially come into contact with new people. This is coincidental because sometimes you meet new people who for some reason attack you just because your dog shat on their lawn. As a result of the potential for such attacks, I have become extremely proficient at self defence and recently built a moat.
I am looking for a girl who ticks the following boxes:
- physically attractive. Goes without saying!
- INTERESTING. Can't stress this one enough - if you actually DO interesting stuff in your life that is somewhat unusual, awesome.
- engaging. No talk, no sex, no questions. Don't care if you look like Angelina Jolie - my attention is held far more by personality than looks.
- independent & ambitious. Preferably someone with a love for travel.
- chilled out and not a total fucking psycho. For example, if you've ever told a guy you were pregnant when you weren't, that comes under the "total fucking psycho" banner, and I carefully bid you goodbye with the hope that you stay the hell away from me.
- doesn't take themselves too seriously! If you can laugh at yourself, fuckin awesome. If not, well you know the drill by now
Steve
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Anyway, we'll see where it goes.
