Black Dogs and mental shit in general

More sad news - British MTB legend Jez Avery has died.

He had a long history of depression and it looks like it got to him in the end :(

Here's an interview from 2019 -
singletrackworld.com

Singletrack Magazine Issue 125 | Jez Avery – Tears Of A Clown

Hannah catches up with Jez Avery, the official joker of the British mountain bike scene and finds a darker side that nearly did for him. Words Hannah Photography Mark and as credited “I love wakin…
singletrackworld.com singletrackworld.com
 
Rorschach said:
Looks like I've not been overly active recently - another 4 months between updates.

Few things happening recently:
  • Still on the dexies. See, to have settled at about 94kg, which is an overall drop of 12kg since the start of the year. No real updates from above
  • Mum is cancer free. They hacked out her kidney and a section of bowel and all of the follow-up testing came back negative, so it hadn't metastasised anywhere else, thank Jeebus. When she said her follow-up appointments with the specialists were phone appointments we took it as the good sign it turned out to be
  • My brother has had a very slight downturn in that one of his tumours has gotten very slightly bigger and he's had some swelling of his lymph nodes. He was referred to the Royal Marsden hospital in London, which is a specialist oncology hospital and has managed to get onto a drug trial a few weeks ago. Just waiting to see what happens now really!
Probably the biggest one personally is that we found out we have another little one on the way next year. This one really threw me and it's taken a fair few weeks to come around to it as I'm struggling with having 3 kids knocking around, let alone adding a fourth.
While I won't say I'm thrilled at the prospect, I'm less against it than I was and maybe even slightly looking forward to it, but that really depends on the day.
What it does mean is that while the wife was due to go back to work in Jan, she'll only be there for ~4 months before taking a year off (again...) so we'll be down to a single income. The upside is that she works for WA health and gets 3 months full time or 6 months half time maternity leave which will help.
I also worked my arse off for a promotion which came through this month, so while the pay will go up, it'll get absorbed by other stuff unfortunately.
In addition, we're having to pick up a bigger car (Kia Carnival) and boy are they not cheap. Being ahead on the mortgage and able to use the redraw really helped there.
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Thrice yearly update apparently. Work and life in general are getting in the way of my 'burning recently.

The last few months have been rough on a person level.
My brother isn't in a good way and has gone downhill pretty rapidly. The drug he was trialling hasn't made a difference and honestly I think it made things worse. He now has cancer in his lungs, neck, head, abdominal wall and hips and was taken off the trial. Every week when he went to the hospital it was more bad news.
He's now back at the hospital he was at originally and on stronger chemotherapy drugs. He also had radiotherapy on his neck and head to treat the tumours there and that looks to have done a lot for him as he wasn't sleeping due to the discomfort.
I went back and spent a couple of weeks with him and while he's doing what he can, he isn't the same person as he was when I went back to see him a couple of years ago when he got married.
Saying goodbye when he dropped me at the airport was hard and I had tears in my eyes as he left to drive home, as I do now writing this.
I don't know if I'm going to see him again.

It's hit me pretty hard since I've been back, and I've been distracted and snappy. After flying off the handle at my wife over something pretty inconsequential I realised how much it affected me and I'm going to get in touch with the EAP at work as they offer support services for stuff like this.

No real aim to this post other than catharsis really. Getting it out helps, even if I do feel like I want to shut the door and cry.
 
4 weeks ago my 94 year old grandma picked up influenza A from another carer or resident at the facility she's in.

3 and a half weeks ago my fiancee quits her job with nothing to go to.

3 weeks ago my grandmother comes out of isolation but has basically lost what muscle tone she had to the point where she can't feed herself or remove her own false teeth - mum had been in every day helping her do what she couldn't for herself with no help from RNs or carers

2 and a half weeks ago my fiancee's uncle died. They're not close and she has no interest in going to the funeral but still shit. The same day we find out that my grandmother's kidneys have given up the ghost (eGFR of 5, which works out to about 2% kidney function for a 94 year old weighing 40kg).

2 weeks ago we spend nearly 12 hrs overnight the ED with dad, after spending all day with my grandmother. He's diagnosed with sepsis.

A week and a half ago my grandmother died.

The day after, my brother slips down the stairs at my sister's place and fractures his 10th rib, impinging nerves in the process.

Dad got discharged from hospital this Tuesday just gone, then went back on Wednesday after his BP tanked again, and has been diagnosed with a leaky valve on top of his cardiomyopathy. He was discharged again this arvo after they changed his meds this am to sort his BP - the thought occurs they prob should've kept him in another day or so to monitor the change but they're not interested.

Also we've been told our lease won't be renewed in august - probably would've moved anyway but really didn't need that cherry on top at this particular point in time. And there's a whole heap of family shit on my mum's side that means we probably won't do a service or anything for my grandmother, and that mum will never see her sisters again if she has anything to do with it. We were raised to be very family is everything, so this is massive and shit.

I feel like shit, haven't been able to go for a ride or do anything. It's been go between the care facility and the hospital for a while and I just want to not. Every time I think theres a light at the end of the tunnel it turns into a fucking train and I'm sick of it and struggling really badly. March and April can go fuck themselves.

I also haven't been able to talk to anyone about this cause I burst into tears immediately and as much as my best mate knows, i don't want to burden him with this crap. I'm just sick of it all
 
Mate that's a lot to cope with. It gets said a lot in this thread, but your closest mates will never feel like you're a burden for taking to them.

That's what they're there for, and there's a whole bunch of us here too.

Life is shit sometimes.
 
Yeah there's no sugar coating it. I've been through the dying grandparent and resulting family estrangement thing, and it made me very angry and upset at the time. With some reflection and the passing of the years, that estrangement has actually been a good thing and a bit of a relief.

Not helpful in the now, necessarily.
 
that's an epic list of shit stuff @zac. i think you are well entitled to move past crying and go straight a full on toddler tantrum on the floor. if anyone asks and you don't want to explain say you are channelling your inner Angus Young. Hope you get a moment for a ride soon. Even a short one up and down the street jumping off the gutters.
 
zac said:
4 weeks ago my 94 year old grandma picked up influenza A from another carer or resident at the facility she's in.

3 and a half weeks ago my fiancee quits her job with nothing to go to.

3 weeks ago my grandmother comes out of isolation but has basically lost what muscle tone she had to the point where she can't feed herself or remove her own false teeth - mum had been in every day helping her do what she couldn't for herself with no help from RNs or carers

2 and a half weeks ago my fiancee's uncle died. They're not close and she has no interest in going to the funeral but still shit. The same day we find out that my grandmother's kidneys have given up the ghost (eGFR of 5, which works out to about 2% kidney function for a 94 year old weighing 40kg).

2 weeks ago we spend nearly 12 hrs overnight the ED with dad, after spending all day with my grandmother. He's diagnosed with sepsis.

A week and a half ago my grandmother died.

The day after, my brother slips down the stairs at my sister's place and fractures his 10th rib, impinging nerves in the process.

Dad got discharged from hospital this Tuesday just gone, then went back on Wednesday after his BP tanked again, and has been diagnosed with a leaky valve on top of his cardiomyopathy. He was discharged again this arvo after they changed his meds this am to sort his BP - the thought occurs they prob should've kept him in another day or so to monitor the change but they're not interested.

Also we've been told our lease won't be renewed in august - probably would've moved anyway but really didn't need that cherry on top at this particular point in time. And there's a whole heap of family shit on my mum's side that means we probably won't do a service or anything for my grandmother, and that mum will never see her sisters again if she has anything to do with it. We were raised to be very family is everything, so this is massive and shit.

I feel like shit, haven't been able to go for a ride or do anything. It's been go between the care facility and the hospital for a while and I just want to not. Every time I think theres a light at the end of the tunnel it turns into a fucking train and I'm sick of it and struggling really badly. March and April can go fuck themselves.

I also haven't been able to talk to anyone about this cause I burst into tears immediately and as much as my best mate knows, i don't want to burden him with this crap. I'm just sick of it all
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That’s a lot mate. I know we’re all just anonymous ghosts on the interweb but we’re also a community that cares. I really hope you make your way through this really shit time and start to see a few glimmers of something better soon. Best of luck mate.
 
That's a lot of shit to carry around @zac Embrace the anonymity of the internet and cry your eyes out. This place is filled with people that will help you out.

If you can't pull a family funeral together to say farewell to your grandmother, get together with the family you can and have your own. Spending that time together will help with going through the grief.




Also can't believe the forum being down over that time didn't make your list of shit things.
 
@zac that’s a shit run my man.
Like others have said, talk to your mates. It won’t be a burden for real friends.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
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Thanks everyone, I think I just needed to vent and get it all off my chest, and I appreciate you all taking the time to read and react/reply. I'll probably try and catch up with some mates over the next week or so and maybe try for an early morning ride tomorrow...
 
zac said:
4 weeks ago my 94 year old grandma picked up influenza A from another carer or resident at the facility she's in.

3 and a half weeks ago my fiancee quits her job with nothing to go to.

3 weeks ago my grandmother comes out of isolation but has basically lost what muscle tone she had to the point where she can't feed herself or remove her own false teeth - mum had been in every day helping her do what she couldn't for herself with no help from RNs or carers

2 and a half weeks ago my fiancee's uncle died. They're not close and she has no interest in going to the funeral but still shit. The same day we find out that my grandmother's kidneys have given up the ghost (eGFR of 5, which works out to about 2% kidney function for a 94 year old weighing 40kg).

2 weeks ago we spend nearly 12 hrs overnight the ED with dad, after spending all day with my grandmother. He's diagnosed with sepsis.

A week and a half ago my grandmother died.

The day after, my brother slips down the stairs at my sister's place and fractures his 10th rib, impinging nerves in the process.

Dad got discharged from hospital this Tuesday just gone, then went back on Wednesday after his BP tanked again, and has been diagnosed with a leaky valve on top of his cardiomyopathy. He was discharged again this arvo after they changed his meds this am to sort his BP - the thought occurs they prob should've kept him in another day or so to monitor the change but they're not interested.

Also we've been told our lease won't be renewed in august - probably would've moved anyway but really didn't need that cherry on top at this particular point in time. And there's a whole heap of family shit on my mum's side that means we probably won't do a service or anything for my grandmother, and that mum will never see her sisters again if she has anything to do with it. We were raised to be very family is everything, so this is massive and shit.

I feel like shit, haven't been able to go for a ride or do anything. It's been go between the care facility and the hospital for a while and I just want to not. Every time I think theres a light at the end of the tunnel it turns into a fucking train and I'm sick of it and struggling really badly. March and April can go fuck themselves.

I also haven't been able to talk to anyone about this cause I burst into tears immediately and as much as my best mate knows, i don't want to burden him with this crap. I'm just sick of it all
Click to expand...
Ah man, you have had a terrible run. Hope things improve.
 
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