Having a tough time being a Dad.

PLUGGA

Likes Dirt
Hey dudes! *BIG REPLY ALERT!* Cool to see this thread has revived and people are still getting something out of it. So I thought I'd give an update. SHIT LOADS has happened in the years gone, and we now have a second kid, Nash, he just turned 2. Unfortunately I'm still battling with being a parent, though I'm neck deep in a good patch at the moment, so I'll take it. Turned out that all the behaviour issues I was/am struggling with was Autism and ADHD. What a nightmare it has been, for Ella in particular. For reasons I still cannot work out, I really struggle with some of the behaviour traits of ASD/ADHD, and have found it hard to move forward. I've developed what seems like a two second fuse, as a lot of the behaviour flies in the face of normal expectations. But I now completely understand that she cannot control her emotions and that she operates on a completely different level to neurotypical people, but it's really hard not to react when your daughter has your wife by the throat. Or when she lashes out and draws blood on my son. Ella is now 5 and has had 12 months of intense therapy. (Early intervention/speech/ot, etc) and I'm happy to say that she has come so far it's not funny. That, coupled with her age, has made life with autism a lot easier for her, and in turn, me. I'm still seeing my counselor monthly, but have really struggled with it all. Autism is life changing, for everyone. It turns EVERYTHING upside down. I can only imagine what it's like for Ella. My wife and i have hit rock bottom a number of times, but we're still here, and we're still fighting for our relationship. Like I mentioned, we're going well at the moment. I think the desperation of it all finally clicked that illusive button, and I feel as though I've turned a corner....or a slight dog leg. Not sure yet. Aaand, unfortunately, Nash is showing the same signs that Ella did. Fuck. Anyway, still in the fight, and still here for my kids. Hope this thread continues to help others, as it has for me. It was awesome reading back through all the replies. Good bunch of eggs here on RB. I might start an ASD thread (if I ever get the time) soon, I'm sure there's truckloads of people in here who are living the autism life. Thanks again for all the awesome advice. Cheers legends!
 

downunderdallas

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Hey Plugga thanks for the update and congratulations on still being in the fight and tackling the challenges you face in such a proactive way. I'm in awe of people like yourself who have additional challenges compared to those of us who find it difficult enough with a child not on the spectrum! Great to hear you are in a good patch and have some support, long may it continue. Hope some time on the bike gives you a break, I find somehow even when bombing down a hill it gives my brain a rest... not sure how that works..anyway all the best to you and your family thanks for being so open and honest and sharing your story.
 

Cardy George

Piercing rural members since 1981
Hey dudes! *BIG REPLY ALERT!* Cool to see this thread has revived and people are still getting something out of it. So I thought I'd give an update. SHIT LOADS has happened in the years gone, and we now have a second kid, Nash, he just turned 2. Unfortunately I'm still battling with being a parent, though I'm neck deep in a good patch at the moment, so I'll take it. Turned out that all the behaviour issues I was/am struggling with was Autism and ADHD. What a nightmare it has been, for Ella in particular. For reasons I still cannot work out, I really struggle with some of the behaviour traits of ASD/ADHD, and have found it hard to move forward. I've developed what seems like a two second fuse, as a lot of the behaviour flies in the face of normal expectations. But I now completely understand that she cannot control her emotions and that she operates on a completely different level to neurotypical people, but it's really hard not to react when your daughter has your wife by the throat. Or when she lashes out and draws blood on my son. Ella is now 5 and has had 12 months of intense therapy. (Early intervention/speech/ot, etc) and I'm happy to say that she has come so far it's not funny. That, coupled with her age, has made life with autism a lot easier for her, and in turn, me. I'm still seeing my counselor monthly, but have really struggled with it all. Autism is life changing, for everyone. It turns EVERYTHING upside down. I can only imagine what it's like for Ella. My wife and i have hit rock bottom a number of times, but we're still here, and we're still fighting for our relationship. Like I mentioned, we're going well at the moment. I think the desperation of it all finally clicked that illusive button, and I feel as though I've turned a corner....or a slight dog leg. Not sure yet. Aaand, unfortunately, Nash is showing the same signs that Ella did. Fuck. Anyway, still in the fight, and still here for my kids. Hope this thread continues to help others, as it has for me. It was awesome reading back through all the replies. Good bunch of eggs here on RB. I might start an ASD thread (if I ever get the time) soon, I'm sure there's truckloads of people in here who are living the autism life. Thanks again for all the awesome advice. Cheers legends!
Mate, you are so not alone on the Autism front. My wife is a self-diagnosed Aspy, step-daughter was diagnosed at 23, our oldest at 5, the middle boy is showing major traits but not enough to be 'diagnosed' and just to be different my youngest is touch hypersensitive.

The very best thing you can do is learn as much about it as you can. Every person on the spectrum is different. Oldest boy shuts down when he's overwhelmed, where as 'most' autistic boys will lash out.

It's also important to note that it's genetic. Once my wife and I traced the links back, and applied some of the traits to her it was blatantly obvious that she was on the spectrum too. Once you learn the signs, you'll see them everywhere.

The biggest thing that helps me is to constantly remind myself that they DON'T mean to be rude/nasty/obnoxious. It's the operating system inside their head, kinda like Apple Vs Android. Similar outcomes, way different approach to getting there.

It's a long road, but you are definitely not alone on it.
 

PLUGGA

Likes Dirt
Mate, you are so not alone on the Autism front. My wife is a self-diagnosed Aspy, step-daughter was diagnosed at 23, our oldest at 5, the middle boy is showing major traits but not enough to be 'diagnosed' and just to be different my youngest is touch hypersensitive.

The very best thing you can do is learn as much about it as you can. Every person on the spectrum is different. Oldest boy shuts down when he's overwhelmed, where as 'most' autistic boys will lash out.

It's also important to note that it's genetic. Once my wife and I traced the links back, and applied some of the traits to her it was blatantly obvious that she was on the spectrum too. Once you learn the signs, you'll see them everywhere.

The biggest thing that helps me is to constantly remind myself that they DON'T mean to be rude/nasty/obnoxious. It's the operating system inside their head, kinda like Apple Vs Android. Similar outcomes, way different approach to getting there.

It's a long road, but you are definitely not alone on it.
Cheers mate, good advice. The thing is there is no family history, not even a quirky or "different" family member, we were just lucky. However, the chances of having a second child with ASD go up 4 fold (or along those lines) something we didn't know until well after we'd had Nash. Another bitter pill to swallow.
 

PLUGGA

Likes Dirt
Hey Plugga thanks for the update and congratulations on still being in the fight and tackling the challenges you face in such a proactive way. I'm in awe of people like yourself who have additional challenges compared to those of us who find it difficult enough with a child not on the spectrum! Great to hear you are in a good patch and have some support, long may it continue. Hope some time on the bike gives you a break, I find somehow even when bombing down a hill it gives my brain a rest... not sure how that works..anyway all the best to you and your family thanks for being so open and honest and sharing your story.
Thanks mate, you're a legend.
 

Cardy George

Piercing rural members since 1981
Cheers mate, good advice. The thing is there is no family history, not even a quirky or "different" family member, we were just lucky. However, the chances of having a second child with ASD go up 4 fold (or along those lines) something we didn't know until well after we'd had Nash. Another bitter pill to swallow.
Unfortunately Autism wasn't recognised a a condition on its own until the very late 90s, that's why my Step-daughter wasn't diagnosed until she was 23 (2012). I wasn't there, but it was heartbreaking for my wife to watch her struggle with day to day things like tying her shoes, and the have the 'experts' declare there was nothing wrong with her, it was the way my wife was bringing her up.

What it means is there's not a lot of documented family histories. Many many high-functioning Austin people aren't diagnosed, if you met my Oldest on the street, you'd never know.

I'm starting to lecture a bit here. If you want ANY help PM me :)
 

PLUGGA

Likes Dirt
Unfortunately Autism wasn't recognised a a condition on its own until the very late 90s, that's why my Step-daughter wasn't diagnosed until she was 23 (2012). I wasn't there, but it was heartbreaking for my wife to watch her struggle with day to day things like tying her shoes, and the have the 'experts' declare there was nothing wrong with her, it was the way my wife was bringing her up.

What it means is there's not a lot of documented family histories. Many many high-functioning Austin people aren't diagnosed, if you met my Oldest on the street, you'd never know.

I'm starting to lecture a bit here. If you want ANY help PM me :)
Legend!
 

Binaural

Eats Squid
Unfortunately Autism wasn't recognised a a condition on its own until the very late 90s, that's why my Step-daughter wasn't diagnosed until she was 23 (2012).
A gentle correction on this one - autism has been known since the 40s and Asperger's since about the same time frame. What did change was how the diagnosis guidelines used by the bulk of practising psychiatrists (the DSM) in the mid 90s, but criteria for the more severe forms of autism diagnosis were added in the 80s. So, there is a lot of medical history out there, but most people do not realise how prevalent it really is. Something like 1 in 100 Australians are estimated to be on the autism spectrum, from a few studies I've seen.

I wasn't there, but it was heartbreaking for my wife to watch her struggle with day to day things like tying her shoes, and the have the 'experts' declare there was nothing wrong with her, it was the way my wife was bringing her up.
On the bright side, my own profession (engineering research) attracts a lot of people who either have been formally diagnosed or suspect they are on that sort of spectrum. It may be that there is no better time for people with Aspergers to find a workable niche in society that fits their preferences to those of the employer.
 

caad9

Likes Bikes and Dirt
I'm 14 months into this parenting caper and this thread popping up couldn't have happened at a better time.
Tip of the hat to all the parents in here and especially the guys with the added pressures listed above.
This new world isn't easy!
 

Nambra

Definitely should have gone to specsavers
Good clarity there Binaural - it explains why there seems to be an explosion in diagnosis of ASD these days. My 13yo daughter was recently diagnosed too, although I won't pretend she's by any means a challenging child to be around. She also has sensory processing (proprioception) issues that we've known about for a few years now too, which makes her a bit of a gumby at times. My wife and I always knew she was a bit unique, but it would have been so much easier on her and us had we known when she was younger. She was a hard baby to get to sleep and after maybe 18 months of countless nights sitting by her cot trying to calm her, we discovered mostly by trial and error that if we wrapped her up like a mummy so she could barely move her limbs, she would sleep peacefully through the night (with side barriers to stop her rolling onto her face of course). As parents, we certainly felt troubled (guilty even?) by the need to more or less physically restrain our child like this, but we were all able to get some decent sleep. To my wife's credit, she was and is an amazing mother and spent so much time with my daughter as a toddler which I would now describe as early intervention given what we now know. It's not all bad though, my daughter is one of the brightest, most funny people I know and is also a seriously talented artist and I enjoy every second I spend with her. She views the world slightly differently, but it's still a legitimate perspective and it can be insightful for me at times too.

To Plugga and everyone else, I wish you all strength in your journeys. The more effort you put into your kids when they're young, the better they and you will be for it down the track. There's also truth in that old cliche that they also grow up so fast, so spend as much time with them while you can. And don't forget to nurture the other important relationship in your life; spend quality one-on-one time with the wife as well as doing the family stuff.
 

Cardy George

Piercing rural members since 1981
On the bright side, my own profession (engineering research) attracts a lot of people who either have been formally diagnosed or suspect they are on that sort of spectrum. It may be that there is no better time for people with Aspergers to find a workable niche in society that fits their preferences to those of the employer.
I agree. Which is where it gets a bit tricky in that Step-Daughter is a brilliant artist but completely misses sarcasm, where Oldest is very language and maths based and gets jokes that adults miss. There is no stereotypical Autism.

But the current generation of teachers are great at teaching to differently wired brains, and the next generation are even better again.

Our school is tiny, and has one of each generation of teacher. Mrs Old School, who is still a great teacher but struggles to deal with out-of-the-normal range kids. Mr Proactive, who we suspect may be on the spectrum too, 100% gets that different kids act differently and has been fantastic for finding the best way to get Oldest's knowledge out of his head. And Mr Brand New, who in his second year has encouraged our anxious and very angry 9yo Middle to be very self aware and confident enough to have a crack and be comfortable to get things wrong.

Times are looking up.
 

99_FGT

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Good clarity there Binaural - it explains why there seems to be an explosion in diagnosis of ASD these days.
There is another factor to that. Many of the traits of Autism and aspergers are also associated with ADD, ADHD and LSS (little shit syndrome), but only one of those is eligible for funding. It's the system that sucks here.
My mrs has worked in this field for over 15 years...
 

Mica

Likes Dirt
Just a big up to you all who deal with this 24/7. The diagnosed kids are tough thing to deal with, especially when you don’t understand the condition. But with time, knowledge and patience it certainly gets easier.

Parenting is a journey for sure with a lot of ups and downs but as time has gone on I realise I’m learning more from my kids than they are from me. They’ve brought me to my lowest lows but also my highest highs and I can’t wait to see what kind of people they turn into, the choices they make in life and what else they can teach me.

To go back to the autism topic though, my niece is certainly on the spectrum (my sister won’t go the diagnosis route for her own reasons) and is a tough nut to crack but she’s happy in her little world and is lucky to be surrounded by people who are patient and give her the time she needs but also push her a bit beyond her comfort zone. The growth she has had over the years is astounding. With the support she has she’ll go far.

My wife has worked with children of various diagnoses for years as an in home career for those with incredibly high needs and also as specialist teacher in the school system. I’m amazed by her patience and the time she puts into these kids (certainly not the job for me) but the education system is improving immensely to support these children and give them the tools and outlets to thrive.

It’s great to see this forum provide a support network beyond the n+1 if bikes, it’s a big thing to reach out for help and it’s nice to see it here on offer. It’s a tough gig being a father and the thing I’ve struggled with is being “selfish” and doing something for myself, like spend a few hours on the bike even though it makes a world of difference to my mental health. It’s the one tip I have is to find that time for yourself and reset and recharge. Be sure to get out there occasionally and in no time your kids will be joining you and teaching you a few new things again too.

Future singlespeed world champ right here, as long as he can borrow his sisters outfit again
 
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eastie

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Anyone going through this - you're not alone. I don't often recommend books but I found this one pretty damn good: no drama discipline. My gp recommended it to me after a similar discussion, and after putting effort into reading it, understand the principles, taking some notes then slowly putting them in practice it worked for me. In fact it changed more about how I go about everyday things that just with my daughter. We all have meltdowns, we all lose out shit - kids are no different, they just need more help.
 

redbruce

Eats Squid
....
On the bright side, my own profession (engineering research) attracts a lot of people who either have been formally diagnosed or suspect they are on that sort of spectrum. It may be that there is no better time for people with Aspergers to find a workable niche in society that fits their preferences to those of the employer.
Same in science research!
 

slowmick

38-39"
Thank you for all the contributors to this thread - it is comforting to read that it's pretty much the same for all, some with extra challenges. Tomorrow is 19 months of being a dad. This is tough. We are lucky we have a wonderful daughter who eats and sleeps well but it is still tough. Starting in your 40s in not a wise move. And as a child from two families with diagnosed/medicated ADD and a dad who is an oddball engineer I see some challenges for her in the future.
 
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