Women, etc.

leitch

Feelin' a bit rrranty
Any words of wisdom? Help strangers of the internet!
Going to respond to this from the other perspective, and with cross reference to the other thread.

My partner of 7 years has lived for a long time with clinical anxiety and depression. Like you, when we started getting into a relationship (as opposed to dating/hooking up) she started to really struggle - the closer/more "together" we got, she'd increasingly experience anxiety episodes around a sort of imposter syndrome ("I don't deserve this/I'm going to ruin this") to the point of a couple full scale panic attacks and withdrawal periods where I wouldn't hear from her for a few days each (this preceded us living together). I found it challenging. I'd never experienced what she was going through myself, and hadn't been that close to it before either. My instinctive response was to take the periods of radio silence personally like I'd done something to piss her off - clearly that's the worst thing I could have done, and I learned quickly.

In the end the thing that made the difference was openness and honesty - you already said you had a win on this re: her understanding of depression, she sounds like the sort of person who will respond well to "I want to do this but sometimes I freak out despite myself".

As for reducing the freak outs, well put it this way - romantic relationships break down all the time, yes, but the thing that fucks them up most is people not putting in the effort. If you go through it constantly waiting for the axe to fall then you're going to hold stuff back and create a situation in which it's inevitable. If you bring her into how you're feeling and work on it together, it'll grow.
 

0psi

Eats Squid
having a partner who is your best friend is even better.

-snip-

and hate this empty lonely feeling
See that first part is a concept that I was never been able to relate to but have had a small glimpse of with this girl. We'd know eachother for about a year before anything happened between us so the friends part was well and truely established.

And the second part. I do really well with being single. My previous relationship was 11 years and I felt very trapped in that which adds to my hesitation to get into anything. Then again this chick is very independent so I'd have no issues going off and doing my own thing which is nice.
 
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0psi

Eats Squid
Going to respond to this from the other perspective, and with cross reference to the other thread.

My partner of 7 years has lived for a long time with clinical anxiety and depression. Like you, when we started getting into a relationship (as opposed to dating/hooking up) she started to really struggle - the closer/more "together" we got, she'd increasingly experience anxiety episodes around a sort of imposter syndrome ("I don't deserve this/I'm going to ruin this") to the point of a couple full scale panic attacks and withdrawal periods where I wouldn't hear from her for a few days each (this preceded us living together). I found it challenging. I'd never experienced what she was going through myself, and hadn't been that close to it before either. My instinctive response was to take the periods of radio silence personally like I'd done something to piss her off - clearly that's the worst thing I could have done, and I learned quickly.

In the end the thing that made the difference was openness and honesty - you already said you had a win on this re: her understanding of depression, she sounds like the sort of person who will respond well to "I want to do this but sometimes I freak out despite myself".

As for reducing the freak outs, well put it this way - romantic relationships break down all the time, yes, but the thing that fucks them up most is people not putting in the effort. If you go through it constantly waiting for the axe to fall then you're going to hold stuff back and create a situation in which it's inevitable. If you bring her into how you're feeling and work on it together, it'll grow.
Imposter syndrome is very much a thing with me.

I've had a few long term relationships (2x 3 years and one 11 year) and a few shorter ones. Apart from my high school girlfriend, none of my exes speak to me despite the relationships ending on fairly good terms. In all cases (with a grain of salt because this information was supplied by mutal friends) it's because the break up was very difficult for them as they lost someone decent. So I know I make a decent partner but I still feel like I'm going to fuck it up.

Mind you we've been very open about what's going on (something I've never had with someone I've been involved with romantically) so that helps.
 

Ultra Lord

Hurts. Requires Money. And is nerdy.
See that first part is a concept that I was never been able to relate to but have had a small glimpse of with this girl. We'd know eachother for about a year before anything happened between us so the friends part was well and truely established.

And the second part. I do really well with being single. My previous relationship was 11 years and I felt very trapped in that which adds to my hesitation to get into anything. Then again this chick is very independent so I'd have no issues going off and doing my own thing which is nice.
If you aren’t happy being alone you won’t be happy in a relationship either. I didn’t mean I hate being single, some parts suck, I more miss that connection I had with my ex. On the whole I’m doing pretty good. Leitch nailed it with his post, openness, honesty and the ability to compromise are what keeps things going. He didn’t really say “don’t do it” like I thought he was going to when he started with “from the other perspective “ but laid out a nice warning of the work that goes into these things.


One other thing about single life I hate is friends trying to hook my up with other people . The surprise blind double dates are getting old. Fuck off and leave me be damnit! Ain’t no time for women I have bikes to buy and a mortgage to sort out.
 

Asininedrivel

caviar connoisseur
One other thing about single life I hate is friends trying to hook my up with other people . The surprise blind double dates are getting old. Fuck off and leave me be damnit! Ain’t no time for women I have bikes to buy and a mortgage to sort out.
Urgh, yes. Fuck that shit. That's from the people who equate being single to having some kind of temporary disease. Some people just can't stomach it. Some people are also hopelessly co-dependant but that's another topic.
 

leitch

Feelin' a bit rrranty
He didn’t really say “don’t do it” like I thought he was going to when he started with “from the other perspective “ but laid out a nice warning of the work that goes into these things.
Wasn't meant to be a warning! Just meant that from the perspective of the woman involved, the more open he can be the easier it will be for her and the less likely to go to shit :) I'm firmly in the "do it" camp.
 

0psi

Eats Squid
Wasn't meant to be a warning! Just meant that from the perspective of the woman involved, the more open he can be the easier it will be for her and the less likely to go to shit :) I'm firmly in the "do it" camp.
That was much the way I took your message :)
 

0psi

Eats Squid
One other thing about single life I hate is friends trying to hook my up with other people . The surprise blind double dates are getting old. Fuck off and leave me be damnit! Ain’t no time for women I have bikes to buy and a mortgage to sort out.
Ha! So when I became single I had no end of people trying to set me up. In the end I grew a stupid, and I mean proper stupid, moustache as a means to dissuade women. It had mixed results as apparently a lot of chicks would look at me and think "that guy looks fun!" Haha.
 

Calvin27

Eats Squid
Any words of wisdom? Help strangers of the internet!
Imposter syndrome is very much a thing with me.
Make sure you turn the control centre downstairs off and use the one up top. Make sure you are 100% sure of her intentions and longer term objectives (kids or whatetver) and then keep in mind that these things still change over time. Some girlsare crazy scary how they can put on a show for ages and then as soon as they achieve the goal (marriage usually) bam they go apeshit. Not saying this is the case, looks like you've got yourself a keeper but sometimes you can't tell whether its downstairs or upstairs making the calls.

On a sperate note, some of us older folk can attest. They go all wild and batshit sometimes with life event. Weddings is a good glimpse, and then after they have kids, their amygdala goes nuts and stays like that forever. It means they get all naggy and risk adverse, some kind of biological hangup.

My tip, buy a $10k bike and put it on the oven. Gauge her reactions and then make your mind from there...
 

DMan

shawly the least hangeriest guy on rotorburn
My tip, buy a $10k bike and put it on the oven. Gauge her reactions and then make your mind from there...
My wife did that and I didn't react. She knew I was a keeper.
I agree that being with someone who shares your interests and goals is paramount. I love having adventures with my wife. With my ex, I'd rather do things in groups so as to minimise our times alone. I never really understood that until I met someone who I felt the opposite about.
 

0psi

Eats Squid
Make sure you turn the control centre downstairs off and use the one up top. Make sure you are 100% sure of her intentions and longer term objectives (kids or whatetver) and then keep in mind that these things still change over time.
We've been friends for about a year and have only recently started seeing eachother.

So I think it's upstairs that's doing most of the thinking. Even when we (somewhat drunkenly) hooked up my brain was screaming at me to stop because she was one of my mates.

We've only been seeing eachother for just shy of two months so it's probably a bit early for the long term objectives conversation. I know that ultimately we're both looking for a relationship but other than that we haven't really spoken about down the road as we're still working out if there will be a down the road. Having said that the kids conversation came up when we were still mates and we're on much the same page. Pretty happy without them but it wouldn't be terrible if it happened.

Funnily enough marriage came about in a roundabout way. She was having a bit of a whinge about a bridezilla that she was a bridesmaid for and I made the off hand comment that I wasn't fussed on marriage but if it happened I'd probably want to just elope and spend the wedding money on a big ass holiday. She laughed her ass off. I assumed because she'd had a very christian upbringing (spent a good chunk of her life saving herself for marriage etc.) but as it turns it was because she would do the exact same thing.
 

0psi

Eats Squid
I agree that being with someone who shares your interests and goals is paramount. I love having adventures with my wife. With my ex, I'd rather do things in groups so as to minimise our times alone. I never really understood that until I met someone who I felt the opposite about.
Huh. I've just realised that I did the same with my ex. I'd much rather do things in a group or alone than with just us.

As much as I enjoy doing things with this girl I've always felt both people need their own interests as well. My ex had no interests other than a couple of TV shows which in turn made me feel guilty about leaving her to do the things I like. If it weren't for Covid life I'd be getting ready to ski a 7500m peak in the arse end of nowhere in China. I don't expect many people to want to join me for stupid shenanigans like that! But some shared interests are nice.
 
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Cardy George

Piercing rural members since 1981
@0psi weight of evidence is saying you're already there mate, stop thinking and start believing :D

You are pretty much describing my relationship with Mrs George. Happy doing our own things, just as happy doing together things.

My only piece of advice is to talk and share and don't be afraid to be afraid in front of her. Then she'll be comfortable doing the same and that's when the real relationship starts. Mrs George was pretty low on confidence when we met, now she's President of our MTB club.
 
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