In the vain hope of raising the tone on this thread, may I offer you a new interpretation of the Dutch Reach?
Picture a picturesque campsite in one of Australia's more accessible but slightly out of the way National Parks.
Imagine a pair of tourists from one of our highly valued but definitely underappreciated European trading partners. But imagine them as Mother & Son. From the 90s.
Picture the older of our tourists (whom I shall call Maggie). After camping for the night in this very amenable location, Maggie feels the need to visit the ablutions. Given the somewhat remote location of the chosen National Park, said ablutions are of the more basic kind. Pump out pit toilets. Being not so remote as to be completely uncivilized, these are self contained plastic units that are pumped out.
Maggie loves her mobile phone. So she takes it with her to the shitter to do her morning Sudoku whilst doing her business.
Somehow... Maggie's beloved mobile phone ends up down the shitter and into the shit.
At which point, Maggie loses her shit.
Enter Arthur. Maggie's much beloved yet put upon son and occasional carer who is supporting Maggie's once in a lifetime exploration of Australia without having any clue as to how that might happen proactively.
Maggie has lost her shit due to losing her phone in the shitter. All their shit to not have a shit time in another country is now in the shit.
Arthur, being of sound mind, Dutch, practical and presumably wanting to make his mother sane decides on his course of action.
Using his multi-tool, he unscrews the pump out access hatch on the rear of the toilet unit. Tossing it aside, he carefully lowers himself into the shit + urine filled chamber beneath. His plan is to see if he can recover the phone from the...shit.
Upon lowering himself into the bowels of Hell, Arthur spots a problem. Even if he could find the phone with his feet on the floor of this fetid milkshake, even he isn't game to go for a duck dive to reach it.
Then he finds another problem. Having lowered himself into the shit, Arthur is now unable to haul himself out. He's now realised that he is much like most middle aged human males and, unlike in the movies, can't do a chin-up. Even whilst standing in a sludge of human faeces.
Much consternation from the onlooking Maggie raises the attention of other campers and some tradies nearby who are building a flash new ablutions block.
Said tradies hatch a plan to haul Arthur out using some tie down straps and do so while Maggie laments the loss of her phone.
Arthur meanwhile trudges off to wash off the shit. A young Ranger, oblivious to recent shenanigans, observes a bloke covered in 'mud' walking down the road.
Arthur showers in the temporary ablutions block and makes almost no attempt to clean up after himself.
Maggie and Arthur continue on their journey.
They leave behind a community now wondering how far they would go to recover a lost phone whilst all agreeing that lowering themselves into a sealed container of human excrement is almost certainly too far....
