Jokes Thread.

jarrad7

Likes Dirt
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!
 

juzzo

Likes Bikes and Dirt
An Ipswich girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor

"Ten" replies the Ipswich girl,

"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan

and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Ipswich girl, "Its great because if they are

out playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S

READY!' or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed

Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Ipswich girl... "I just use their surnames"



A Woodridge girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll

take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."


Q. Two Deception Bay girls jump off a bridge. Who wins?

A. Society.


Q. What do you call a 30 year old Woodridge girl?

A. Granny.


Q. Why did the Kingston girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.


Q. What do you call a Woodridge girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.


Q. What's the first question during an Logan quiz night?

A. What you looking at?


Q. What does a Woodridge girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.


Q. Two Inala kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.


Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Kingston girl?

A. A Kingston girl has a higher sperm count.


Q. What's the most confusing day in Ipswich ?

A. Fathers day


Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Woodridge ?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
 

Breaka

Likes Bikes and Dirt
These are off the top of my head so forgive me if they're wrong.

What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

You can't marmalade your Mrs in the arse.


A woman notices a handsome man standing alone at a party so she decides to approach him. "Hello, my name is Carmen" she says. "That's a beautiful name" the man replies. "Thankyou, I made it up myself from the things I love, cars and men" she says. Giving a man a wink she asks for his name. "BEERCUNT" he replies.
 

Bretty.

Likes Bikes and Dirt
I Love this DOCTOR!!

HEALTH:-

QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Aren't fried foods bad for you?
You're not listening... . Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?
Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

Is swimming good for your figure?
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:-

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to

'skid in sideways' -

Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming:

'WOO..HOO...,

What a Fu..in' Ride!'
 

Spike-X

Grumpy Old Sarah
Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
This one actually makes a weird kind of sense.
 

jarrad7

Likes Dirt
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and
continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
 

jarrad7

Likes Dirt
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'
 
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