downhillar
Likes Dirt
May I suggest shitting your pants while you work?
Women, etc.
- Thread starter Matt H
- Start date
Never ever get your meat at the same place you get your bread..... their friends are fair game however...
very true but technically she hasn't worked with me for a month or so and she friends with the chick i work with. so does that count as friends are fair game
So I'm at a crossroads in my relationship and get some advice from the collective (ahem) wisdom of Rotorburn.
I've been with my missus for nearly 5 years now and I've recently started to notice that we are very different people. Had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time a few months back, rock climbing, riding bikes, diving, general awesomeness and the missus didn't feature in any of it. She doesn't have any real hobbies to speak of and I have so much sporting/outdoor gear it takes up an entire room and then some, if it looks like fun I'll give it a go, she's happy watching TV or hanging out with friends. I'm captain spontaneous and it's just effort to her. I've tried to include her in my hobbies, bought her running gear, a mountain bike, rock climbing gear (most of which I've since given to a girl at work but more on that later) none of which has ever been used.
It's always the same story too, "Want to come climbing honey?" "Yeah I'll give it a go and see if I like it." Never happens.
To add a spanner to the works I've become quite friendly with a girl at work (just friends) who climbs and is generally an adventurous type and I seem to be making more plans with her than my missus. Great example is she recently discovered the Avon descent, a 140something Km kayak race, despite neither of us having any real paddling experience there's a fairly good chance we'll be doing it next year. Seems like a challenge and an adventure, why not. Not something my missus would even consider doing. I also go running with said girl from work once a week, it's lovely, lost track of the number of times I've asked my missus if she wants to come for a run with me.
Now my missus is a genuinely lovely person but is that enough in the long term? Or will the fact that we are inherently different people be our demise in the end?
I've been with my missus for nearly 5 years now and I've recently started to notice that we are very different people. Had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time a few months back, rock climbing, riding bikes, diving, general awesomeness and the missus didn't feature in any of it. She doesn't have any real hobbies to speak of and I have so much sporting/outdoor gear it takes up an entire room and then some, if it looks like fun I'll give it a go, she's happy watching TV or hanging out with friends. I'm captain spontaneous and it's just effort to her. I've tried to include her in my hobbies, bought her running gear, a mountain bike, rock climbing gear (most of which I've since given to a girl at work but more on that later) none of which has ever been used.
It's always the same story too, "Want to come climbing honey?" "Yeah I'll give it a go and see if I like it." Never happens.
To add a spanner to the works I've become quite friendly with a girl at work (just friends) who climbs and is generally an adventurous type and I seem to be making more plans with her than my missus. Great example is she recently discovered the Avon descent, a 140something Km kayak race, despite neither of us having any real paddling experience there's a fairly good chance we'll be doing it next year. Seems like a challenge and an adventure, why not. Not something my missus would even consider doing. I also go running with said girl from work once a week, it's lovely, lost track of the number of times I've asked my missus if she wants to come for a run with me.
Now my missus is a genuinely lovely person but is that enough in the long term? Or will the fact that we are inherently different people be our demise in the end?
LJohn
Likes Dirt
I'm in a similar situation. I think it's normal. I still love my girl no end but is she me? Not at all. I'm good friends with another girl who is 'more like me' but a short time ago I realised there's a reason we have friends. It would be nice for a partner to be absolutely everything you could possibly want, but I know in my mind, no matter what, I'd probably still be in the same situation.
So yes, even though you're different, if you love her and are happy in the time you do spend with her, yes that is enough. Should you be friends with the other girl? Yeah! Why the hell not. If it's just friends.
If your missus turns in to a jealous maniac over the situation, then I'd re-evaluate. If she trusts you, she should have no reason to be jealous. Just don't do anything stupid.
FR Drew
Not a custom title.
Hmm, Opsi, I expect I"m the wrong person to be giving anyone advice right about now...
Around 12 months ago I separated from my wife of 13 years (and g/f for 3 before we were married).
We got together because we liked each other, even though we didn't have much in common.
I was interested in audio, she wasn't, I wanted to ride mtb, she didn't, I did the odd spot of climbing, she wasn't interested, she wanted to study massage and aromatherapy, I was supportive but it didn't float my boat, ditto her leadlighting, scrapbooking etc. There's only so far you can go on a mutual physical attraction and an enjoyment of Star Trek Voyager...
We just drifted apart and despite having a beautiful 6 year old daughter, there was nothing keeping us together. We shared the same address and the same bills. When parenting it was pretty much "tag team", not together. Physically/romantically we just withered until there was nothing left.
You either have a good reason to stay, or you have no reason not to go. A shared history is no reason to stay. It's in the past and the rest of your life will be lived in the future. I'd love to say "go for it man, she's worth it" but frankly, I can't. If you don't share a life, then don't share your lives. Find someone who wants what you want and go for that.
Around 12 months ago I separated from my wife of 13 years (and g/f for 3 before we were married).
We got together because we liked each other, even though we didn't have much in common.
I was interested in audio, she wasn't, I wanted to ride mtb, she didn't, I did the odd spot of climbing, she wasn't interested, she wanted to study massage and aromatherapy, I was supportive but it didn't float my boat, ditto her leadlighting, scrapbooking etc. There's only so far you can go on a mutual physical attraction and an enjoyment of Star Trek Voyager...
We just drifted apart and despite having a beautiful 6 year old daughter, there was nothing keeping us together. We shared the same address and the same bills. When parenting it was pretty much "tag team", not together. Physically/romantically we just withered until there was nothing left.
You either have a good reason to stay, or you have no reason not to go. A shared history is no reason to stay. It's in the past and the rest of your life will be lived in the future. I'd love to say "go for it man, she's worth it" but frankly, I can't. If you don't share a life, then don't share your lives. Find someone who wants what you want and go for that.
I def think there has to some common interest that you and partner share otherwise i couldn't see it working out. if youre having youre doubts know i think that might be telling what you knew all along you aren't right for each other
Knut
Troll hunter
I had a girlfriend that wasn't into the same things as me. I eventually said enough.
Then I met a girl who we ran, dived and rode together. Then we just did everything together. Wherever we went, it was as a tight couple. We climbed, travelled, paddled, hiked, camped, surfed together. We now race mixed pairs at all of the State enduros. There have been some tough times sure. But because we have so much in common, the threats are lessened.
Jodie and I have been together for over thirteen years and we are probably the strongest we have ever been. You need to be intertwined so nothing can pull you apart. I would never leave her side.
This running buddy sounds good for you Elbo. If you do the Avon together, it may be hard for your girlfriend to get into your bond. I hope this helps. How doe this girl feel when she runs with you? Honesty is the best policy.
Then I met a girl who we ran, dived and rode together. Then we just did everything together. Wherever we went, it was as a tight couple. We climbed, travelled, paddled, hiked, camped, surfed together. We now race mixed pairs at all of the State enduros. There have been some tough times sure. But because we have so much in common, the threats are lessened.
Jodie and I have been together for over thirteen years and we are probably the strongest we have ever been. You need to be intertwined so nothing can pull you apart. I would never leave her side.
This running buddy sounds good for you Elbo. If you do the Avon together, it may be hard for your girlfriend to get into your bond. I hope this helps. How doe this girl feel when she runs with you? Honesty is the best policy.
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Usually not very good, I tend to make her spew! Lol. I do love running with her though, she constantly suprises me with just how far she's willing to push herself. But nothing will ever happen there, we are just good friends, aside from the fact that she has a boyfriend and to be honest she's waayyyy out of my league.
Having said that, she is one of the reasons I'm reflecting on my current relationship. So many of the things I'm looking forward to doing in the next few years involve her and not my girlfriend, which doesn't quite feel right.
I personally don't think you need to share the same interests but I think you should be similar in personality. An ex of mine was a mad keen skier and I've been skiing once. I'm a mountain biker and she hadn't ridden a bike since she was a kid but we could still chat about Whistler and we both just loved being outdoors exploring the world.
It's not so much that the missus and myself don't share any common interests, it's that we are completely different. Another example is a friend and I are in the middle of organising an Antarctic expedition/survey and the missus asked 'why?', I asked 'why not?' She really doesn't quite understand why I want to go wandering around in a horrible environment that can potentially kill you and I can't imagine why you wouldn't. Funnily enough 'girl from work' was a little upset when I told her she wasn't invited on Antarctic expedition.
Still, my girlfriend is lovely and I'm not unhappy with her but I don't know if I'm happy either. Some of the best moments in my life won't be shared with my missus.
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This is also my longest relationship so I don't know what to expect anymore. I think you might be right though, it's just that it feels very strange calling it quits when you still care about someone and there's nothing really wrong with the relationship. I'm just wondering if we are wasting each others time right now being in an okay relationship that's only going to end one day anyway. What if we stay together for another 2 years in which time her ideal partner could have come and gone and by the time we break up it's too late.
well you know what is right for you. My mate was in the same situation he had been with chick for on and off for 6 years , engaged broken up every month or so. so really they were train wreck from the beginning
i stopped hanging out with him cause all the drama then found out from his sis he finally broke up with his finance know for good they have been broken up for 6 months.
so sounds like you could end like him and be more miserable if just stay in a relationship just for the sake of it.
Knut
Troll hunter
I don't get the "out of my league" thing. No human is above another. She hangs out with you and wants to do things like the Avon and Antarctica with you. So that equation doesn't cut it sorry Opsi. Just at the moment there is a level of respect for each other.
These two excercises you mentioned are significant life changing events. From participating in these activities you will have a bond wth this girl that will outweigh any emotional or sexual relationship you could have with her. There will be moments of clarity, near death experiences and bonding post exercise will be life long. This will have an impact, negative and positive on your current defacto relationship.
There are two massive problems though. You have a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend.
I am not the jealous type, but I would have reserves on either of us participating in an event as described sans partner. We would have difficulty understanding why the other person would want to go to Antarctica alone or with someone else. Apart from the fact I hate being cold, I couldn't do it without Jodie being by my side. She is my best friend and I want to share everything with her. She feels the same. I think that gets back to your "league" statement. She doesnt sit by and watch me walk out the door because her feelings for me are greater than those for herself. Same goes with your running buddy. She wants to be with you because she likes you. In a friendly and respectful way. Which is rare these days.
I don't think you would ever over step the mark at all. You seem above that. But talk to your running buddy about the way you feel. Tactfully. She may have similar concerns. Or she could be just happy to be a friend.
I would be safe to bet that she would have some sound advice for you. If she is the Avon/Antarctica type, then she has her feet on the ground. Even if you don't think she is your next best thing, she might have some strategies for you. After all, she is a girl.
Good luck!
These two excercises you mentioned are significant life changing events. From participating in these activities you will have a bond wth this girl that will outweigh any emotional or sexual relationship you could have with her. There will be moments of clarity, near death experiences and bonding post exercise will be life long. This will have an impact, negative and positive on your current defacto relationship.
There are two massive problems though. You have a girlfriend and she has a boyfriend.
I am not the jealous type, but I would have reserves on either of us participating in an event as described sans partner. We would have difficulty understanding why the other person would want to go to Antarctica alone or with someone else. Apart from the fact I hate being cold, I couldn't do it without Jodie being by my side. She is my best friend and I want to share everything with her. She feels the same. I think that gets back to your "league" statement. She doesnt sit by and watch me walk out the door because her feelings for me are greater than those for herself. Same goes with your running buddy. She wants to be with you because she likes you. In a friendly and respectful way. Which is rare these days.
I don't think you would ever over step the mark at all. You seem above that. But talk to your running buddy about the way you feel. Tactfully. She may have similar concerns. Or she could be just happy to be a friend.
I would be safe to bet that she would have some sound advice for you. If she is the Avon/Antarctica type, then she has her feet on the ground. Even if you don't think she is your next best thing, she might have some strategies for you. After all, she is a girl.
Good luck!
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It's just me and a buddy going to Antarctica. Where we're going there's no chance of rescue so if it goes really pear-shaped we aren't coming home. Neither of us want to be responsible for anyone else in that situation, which includes my missus (who doesn't want to come) and running buddy (who does want to come).
Back to the topic at hand. I've brought up the 'I don't know if my girlfriend is the right one for me' topic with running buddy as she's one of my closest friends, not because I'm ('scuse the pun) about to run off with her and the usual response is, "I'm not going near that one" and quickly changes topic. Not much help
You have answered a big question for me though Knut. I've often thought that having someone that does everything with you would get tedious, obviously not. I'm guessing you and your wife still do your own thing here and there? Boys fishing trip, girls night out, that kind of thing? The idea of shared passions really appeals to me but I think being joined at the hip would be a bit much after a while, for me at least.
FR Drew
Not a custom title.
"Not going near that one" = "You need to figure that out for yourself, I won't be the one to tell you to drop her. If it's going to be us some day, I want it to be on terms where the end of your previous relationship wasn't done by me."
No girl wants to be the bit on the side while you figure out what you want.
With the Antarctica trip, you are willing to potentially leave your current girlfriend and not come back, due to the environmental circumstances if things go wrong.
Seems to me, with or without the Antarctica trip you are willing to leave your current girlfriend and not come back...
Am I wrong?
No girl wants to be the bit on the side while you figure out what you want.
With the Antarctica trip, you are willing to potentially leave your current girlfriend and not come back, due to the environmental circumstances if things go wrong.
Seems to me, with or without the Antarctica trip you are willing to leave your current girlfriend and not come back...
Am I wrong?
LJohn
Likes Dirt
Knut
Troll hunter
Yeah, you're right. Being together suits us. Not all. I've had the trips away and badly behaved boys nights before I met Jodie. So it doesn't really appeal that much to me anymore. I just can't be bothered anymore with that stuff.
Having someone who lets you do your own thing is good too. If being the outdoor type is not her style that's cool. As long as she doesn't make you read Marie Claire aloud whilst she waxes her legs, it can't be all too bad. My mate had to equal his new bike purchase in monitry value to his wife's shoes. That's a classic case of opposite attract right there.
Don't blame her for you wanting to do your own thing though mate. Is it you drifting apart from her? Just have a think about the reasons why you are together in the first place. That might put things into perspective.
I don't blame her for not wanting to go to Antarctica. Not many good trails there. Going that long without coffee would kill me.
Having someone who lets you do your own thing is good too. If being the outdoor type is not her style that's cool. As long as she doesn't make you read Marie Claire aloud whilst she waxes her legs, it can't be all too bad. My mate had to equal his new bike purchase in monitry value to his wife's shoes. That's a classic case of opposite attract right there.
Don't blame her for you wanting to do your own thing though mate. Is it you drifting apart from her? Just have a think about the reasons why you are together in the first place. That might put things into perspective.
I don't blame her for not wanting to go to Antarctica. Not many good trails there. Going that long without coffee would kill me.
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Registered Nutcase
Likes Bikes and Dirt
I am in the same boat as you 0psi, I just called it quits after 6 years, from 18 to 24 I really grew up and matured into the person I am today with her, as well as my longest relationship. I still have some deep feelings for her but it was never going to be something amazing and something I would be happy with on my deathbed, by the end of it, we were doing our own things and roommates that shared a bed. It will be the best and worst thing you will ever do leaving someone who you love and care about, but you only live once and you owe it to yourself to find the best-suited person, why should you not enjoy her, and just as importantly why should she not find someone who suits her better?
I feel for you I really really do, I put this off for almost 18months because of the fear, the nervousness, the heartache, the diving up of assets, the money, the friends and many many more reasons. I am not proud of it but I did not have the strength to break up with my ex, I just rather went along when she suggested it, after subtly hinting for those 18 months. 1 month after and both my ex and me are happier than ever, with a renewed lease on life and still great friends, we both see it as a parting of ways because of our inherent differences not a break up where someone should win. We have also been rather open with each other, after a self-imposed 3 weeks of no talking or communication to each other, on how we are coping, actually comforting each other and giving support to help make each other feel better etc. weird I know, but after such a long time with someone they have a way of helping you through things.
In addition, if you do go down the path you need to separate the physical stuff with her, you will need to enjoy other women that are different to her so that you can move over the sexual side of the relationship.
My experience with it, everything that she did for me, I had to replace with other people, my friends I spend more time with for the friendship side of things as well as my hobbies, my intellectual side by join a debating society, sexual side does not really need explanation, my weaknesses and fears with my best friend (who is a female, I have not worked out if it is important or not) and everyone I know for advice on what I should do.
A questions 0psi, have you spoken to her, have you given you are a timeframe to work it out? I feel as awful as it will be, to sit down and give yourself a timeframe to talk to her about becoming someone who park takes in what you do or it is over. Much the same as you would in a business deal, give a timeframe to work it out, work out how, why, where etc. Ask your friends, but more importantly ask your friends 1 removed on how you both seem to work. They generally will be honest because they are not that close.
If you want to ask anything about it all, please send me a PM, I am more than happy to talk with you about it, I really do understand how much of a mind f**k it can be!
Mywifesirrational
I however am very normal. Trust me.
If you have found someone who you find has a lovely personality, don't let them go, this is a very important attribute and don't take it for granted. I also think that having doubts is a normal and can be good thing.
Been with my Mrs now 13 years, she's not close to perfect or trying to be - but neither am I, but she is pleasant (as long as she doesn't catch me been practising archery inside or riding the moto through the house) to be around and I look forward to coming home from work to annoy her, spontaneity is long gone and we have settle into a comfortable and lasting routine. 3-4 years is the honeymoon period where a relationship is easy, beyond that it takes work, commitment and compromise.
I don't think you need to be into the same activities to have a quality and lasting relationship, as long as you are genuinely interested in the 'person'. My Mrs loves crafts, I can't stand it, but I am more than happy to waste my time chatting with her about it or going out to get things she needs because it makes her happy, so therefore its not wasted time. She has the same sort of tolerance about my bicycle 'hobby'.
As long as your missus is the rationale type that you can talk to about anything, sit her down and tell her how your feeling and work out some compromises. You like running, she doesn't, that's the same in my house, so we often go for an after dinner brisk walk and chat about our day or something random. Kayak marathon - would she be the support crew and reward her with some tourist stuff pre and post event, flowers, dinner, jewellery... whatever it takes to show that you more than appreciate her involvement, positive reinforcement.
How do you rank the best moments in life? marriage, child birth, growing old together? Mine is sitting on a log together on a remote Tassie coast together, quietly watching penguins run by us as the sun set.
brisneyland
Likes Dirt
0psi, I've just gone through a very similar situation. Whilst the girlie liked camping, that was about as adventurous as she got, even though she was happy for me to do my thing (usually anyway - I think a 3 week motorbike trip cost me a few brownie points).
I just couldn't see myself being with someone who wasn't going to be there for some of the best times of my life.
Interested to know more about your Antarctic trip mate - I've been down there, and my mum runs charters there and has taken a lot of expeditions of various kinds...
I just couldn't see myself being with someone who wasn't going to be there for some of the best times of my life.
Interested to know more about your Antarctic trip mate - I've been down there, and my mum runs charters there and has taken a lot of expeditions of various kinds...
I genuinely don't think she is interested in me so I don't think that's it.
However in a slightly amusing twist it turns out I may have feelings for her. Spent the day with the girlfriend and running buddy, it was awkward, well for me at least. I was reluctant to show any affection/attention to the girlfriend because running buddy was there. I'll be honest, (unlike everyone else here) I didn't see that coming.
But that's kind of irrelevant as it's never going to happen and this internal debate started well before I started getting close to running buddy.
However I think you might have settled it for me with your observations about Antarctica. We have a fairly good risk management plan and 26 months to fine tune it so the risk of not coming home is pretty slim but I'm thinking if my girlfriend was 'the one' then that probably wouldn't be a risk I'd be willing to take.
So far I've decided to give it one last shot. I made mention of a good hike I'm going to do and girlfriend asked, "So what? I'm not invited?" I said she's welcome to come if she wants. So if she comes, then we keep seeing how it goes. If she pikes out then we're done. Awkwardly this is a hike I'm doing with running buddy :-/
Seems the Rotorburn support system works, funny how a few words from a bunch of strangers can add a lot of clarity to one of the biggest descisions in your life. Thanks guys, there were some fairly epic replies there.