link1896
Mr Greenfield
no, everyone has something odd/fucked up/weird/excess baggage with regard to their personality. its part of being human.
Black Dogs and mental shit in general
- Thread starter PINT of Stella. mate!
- Start date
stirk
Burner
bell.cameron
Likes Dirt
Also been diagnosed at some point. Could never bear to see anyone about it so it ended up the trigger for me to take up riding in the first place, which solved all my problems for a while but ended up with issues again when i moved into an apprenticeship with the stance that some tradies tended to take towards apprentices... I have resorted to occupying myself to he point where i dont have time to worry anymore nowadays, taking up uni with every day that i don't work.
Ridenparadise
Likes Bikes and Dirt
It may seem flippant, but the loss of the after work beer at the pub has had a dramatic effect on men, as said above. In these days of "workplace equality" it probably has the same effect on women who work as well, but there is no real history to compare with. Instead of going to debrief over a beer or 3, now we take our frustrations home where they have to be "controlled" in front of the family, whilst being fed by the incessant stress of technology that has replaced interpersonal contact. The better half had a bad day too and the news is all bad and by now you've downed the 6 pack you picked up on the way home near the RBT site. Maybe tomorrow will be better?
The sad thing is that when people are in a developing crisis, they cannot rely on family and close friends as much as everyone thinks. They may want to and need to, but through the sadness they see confusion when they need certainty. Perhaps they know the truth; it is almost impossible to be impartial and objective when looking into the sad eyes of someone you love, even if you can get past your own issues and try. But that knowledge does not help when you are hanging by a thread.
The public face of depression makes it an issue of common knowledge, but regardless of the availability of doctors and psychologists, all of it may not provide that one hand you need to pull you out of the black hole consuming your existence - right now! Chance and "strangers" can be the saviour needed. Someone who doesn't have a preconception of you. You are not their lover, relative, best friend, teacher, doctor or counsellor, but you just happen along at that time of need. Or maybe they happen along for you?
Maybe they will happen along here and well done POSM for showing a light.
One of the sad consistencies of chronic depression is that people often know there is something wrong long before they identify their grief. The need to be successful, often to extremes (elite athletes, performers, artists, beauty, online identities, business etc etc) is the guise assumed to hide a gnawing unease. Success, even fame cannot redeem a tormented soul. When the realisation of that torment strikes, we have to hope a helping hand is there to hold. Often it is not. I don't like the idea of the black hole of depression, or having to hit rock bottom before you bounce back out. It's never easy jumping up out of a hole, let alone when the light is so dim. I prefer the idea of a leaf in a stream. While it may be pulled under by eddies it cannot control, it can also pop back up when that force lets go. When that happens you can feel the warmth of the day again and see the new world that was revealed around the bend in the stream. Then you can float on in the company of all the others getting another chance to simplify it all and enjoy the view with clearer eyes.
The sad thing is that when people are in a developing crisis, they cannot rely on family and close friends as much as everyone thinks. They may want to and need to, but through the sadness they see confusion when they need certainty. Perhaps they know the truth; it is almost impossible to be impartial and objective when looking into the sad eyes of someone you love, even if you can get past your own issues and try. But that knowledge does not help when you are hanging by a thread.
The public face of depression makes it an issue of common knowledge, but regardless of the availability of doctors and psychologists, all of it may not provide that one hand you need to pull you out of the black hole consuming your existence - right now! Chance and "strangers" can be the saviour needed. Someone who doesn't have a preconception of you. You are not their lover, relative, best friend, teacher, doctor or counsellor, but you just happen along at that time of need. Or maybe they happen along for you?
Maybe they will happen along here and well done POSM for showing a light.
One of the sad consistencies of chronic depression is that people often know there is something wrong long before they identify their grief. The need to be successful, often to extremes (elite athletes, performers, artists, beauty, online identities, business etc etc) is the guise assumed to hide a gnawing unease. Success, even fame cannot redeem a tormented soul. When the realisation of that torment strikes, we have to hope a helping hand is there to hold. Often it is not. I don't like the idea of the black hole of depression, or having to hit rock bottom before you bounce back out. It's never easy jumping up out of a hole, let alone when the light is so dim. I prefer the idea of a leaf in a stream. While it may be pulled under by eddies it cannot control, it can also pop back up when that force lets go. When that happens you can feel the warmth of the day again and see the new world that was revealed around the bend in the stream. Then you can float on in the company of all the others getting another chance to simplify it all and enjoy the view with clearer eyes.
The Duckmeister
Has a juicy midrange
I've had my share of arguments with the Dog over the years. Like others, I'd heard various terms but never really given it any thought until a friend told me he'd been diagnosed. I started doing a bit of research just to find out a bit & see what I could do to help my friend - and in the process discovered I was displaying the signs of moderate depression too. Which in typical male fashion I ignored for a while....
.... Until a year or so later when a series of disconnected circumstances conspired to all happen at the same time, and what had just felt like a slight unease suddenly had me spiralling into a sense of utter worthlessness and complete emotional crash. I contemplated suicide, but only once... I was in the bath, having a long, contemplative soak, and the thought occurred to me that I could just slip under the water & that would be it. Just as my nose was about to go under some little corner of my spirit found the strength the say, "what the fuck are you doing? That's not the way to go about it!" and I pulled myself together enough to back away from the dark thought.
Most people blame work for their problems, but for me it was a kind of therapy - I mean, how could you be unhappy when your work is playing with bikes? Still there would sometimes be the odd shit day when the brain was just a pulpy mess of blackness & unable to concentrate. Then I'd get frustrated about not being able to concntrate, then I'd be concentrating on not concentrating on my work, which would only get me more frustrated until it reached the point I just had to down tools & piss off before I threw myself into a crumpled blubbering heap in a corner. Great fun. NOT.
I realised soon in the piece that talking about shit was the easiest (yet also seeming the hardest at times) thing to ease the internal pain. Most of the time. One of the most hurtful things that was ever said to me about it, most ironically by my mate who exposed me to the whole drama, was "you shouldn't go around telling people you're depressed, because in person you're as bright as a light bulb". Yet in a way, he had a point. In company, with stuff going on to pull my thoughts elsewhere, I could function pretty normally. It's when left alone that things turn to shit.....
.... Until a year or so later when a series of disconnected circumstances conspired to all happen at the same time, and what had just felt like a slight unease suddenly had me spiralling into a sense of utter worthlessness and complete emotional crash. I contemplated suicide, but only once... I was in the bath, having a long, contemplative soak, and the thought occurred to me that I could just slip under the water & that would be it. Just as my nose was about to go under some little corner of my spirit found the strength the say, "what the fuck are you doing? That's not the way to go about it!" and I pulled myself together enough to back away from the dark thought.
Most people blame work for their problems, but for me it was a kind of therapy - I mean, how could you be unhappy when your work is playing with bikes? Still there would sometimes be the odd shit day when the brain was just a pulpy mess of blackness & unable to concentrate. Then I'd get frustrated about not being able to concntrate, then I'd be concentrating on not concentrating on my work, which would only get me more frustrated until it reached the point I just had to down tools & piss off before I threw myself into a crumpled blubbering heap in a corner. Great fun. NOT.
I realised soon in the piece that talking about shit was the easiest (yet also seeming the hardest at times) thing to ease the internal pain. Most of the time. One of the most hurtful things that was ever said to me about it, most ironically by my mate who exposed me to the whole drama, was "you shouldn't go around telling people you're depressed, because in person you're as bright as a light bulb". Yet in a way, he had a point. In company, with stuff going on to pull my thoughts elsewhere, I could function pretty normally. It's when left alone that things turn to shit.....
Ridenparadise
Likes Bikes and Dirt
Vitamin D and depression. The metabolism of Vit D is complex. Sun alone does not give you Vitamin D3. It revolves around a diet containing natural fats - not low fat or no fat! Eating healthy natural fats enhances metabolism of cholesterol and chylomicrons, part of the process leading to (for want of a better word) pre-vitamin D3 molecules. They then progress through processes involving kidneys and the lymphatic system, ending with activation to D3 in the skin. If you don't eat fat, never get sun, or never let it penetrate through layers of 50+, then you may have a correctable Vitamin D issue. The correction may not have to be capsules of Vitamin D. Here's a current article on Vitamin D and depression. Not all the answers can be found in it or elsewhere.
EDIT - sorry I have been informed this link does not open but does give my email. I can try to copy and paste for anyone interested.
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No Skid Marks
Blue Mountain Bikes Brooklyn/Lahar/Kowa/PO1NT Raci
No to take from any of the more serious cases and the great advice above. But how can anyone with a right mind not have a black dog about, with all the greedy and nasty wrong doings going on in this world, that are all to serve physiological reasons/elusions (greed, religion, pride). I find anyone walking around happy like everything is roses to be pretty boring and unnerving. Happiness is great, but exhausting without more rewarding stimulation.
Darkness makes the good times better. Enables more honest and clearer thoughts(no not all times) and is more creative(not meaning making devious ways to kill people). Look at most great artists, great minds or great worthy leaders, they pretty much all have a black dog by their side.
Just trying to say, try use your darkness beneficially. Try and do something productive of creative when the shadows around. But most importantly, remember it'll pass, you will feel good again.
Sorry I'm shit with words on a serious topic. The best most loyal, intelligent, trust worthy, fun people I know have big black dogs.
An idle mind is the devils work. Get busy.
GO TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A BIKE RIDE ;-)
Darkness makes the good times better. Enables more honest and clearer thoughts(no not all times) and is more creative(not meaning making devious ways to kill people). Look at most great artists, great minds or great worthy leaders, they pretty much all have a black dog by their side.
Just trying to say, try use your darkness beneficially. Try and do something productive of creative when the shadows around. But most importantly, remember it'll pass, you will feel good again.
Sorry I'm shit with words on a serious topic. The best most loyal, intelligent, trust worthy, fun people I know have big black dogs.
An idle mind is the devils work. Get busy.
GO TAKE YOUR DOG FOR A BIKE RIDE ;-)
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steve jobs' pancreas
Eats Squid
Tom Waits said "misery is the rhythm of the world"
I believe this to be true, however where the line is between the usual ebb and flow and something more insidious is I don't know.
I guess the answer is in the peaks and troughs and distance between them both in magnitude and time.
I believe this to be true, however where the line is between the usual ebb and flow and something more insidious is I don't know.
I guess the answer is in the peaks and troughs and distance between them both in magnitude and time.
fridgie
Likes Dirt
Yep, been there, sitting on a cliff patting the big black bastard hoping he'd push me off..... For 5 nights in a row.... Still don't understand how I'm still here.
Have battled with it for almost a decade now with only realising in the last few years that I have been. Crux for me was breaking down into a sobbing mess that couldn't move, talk, or do anything at work in front of everyone during a toolbox meeting.
I have my moments, apparently happy, intelligent, randomness that exudes joy in others when I'm 'on'
Deeply dark, hollow, paralysing, when I'm down. Just getting out of bed can be too much of an effort.
This has affected my working life in constant job changes, poor attendance, mood swings.
Nothing really seems to help, I can be good for years then bam, the bastard dog brings back the stick and the game continues.
People 'expect results' so you stop telling them what's going on, you smile, using every last bit of strength not to break out and crumble around them.
After I broke down I had a chat with my boss, seemed understanding, seemed caring, told me about his sister suffering so he' knew' what it was like..... Fucking arsehat!!!
Meds screwed my head, so foggy, dazed, no idea what was going on, couldn't drive (required for my job) and touching electricity was scary. Had to stop them....
2 weeks later, having a chat with a co-worker (fuggin awesome bloke, was my rock at work) boss comes over, says it's good to see I look happier and glad I got over it. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! My mood dropped and I felt so sorry for his sister immediately knowing this prick is probably whitewashing her too. Safe to say I didn't hang around there too much longer....
I'm struggling at the moment, finding excuses to hide away, not really wanting to be around people, not really knowing what I want to do, where I want to be, so am kinda on autopilot just going through the daily motions. Doing what's expected and longing to be at home, left alone, just me and my real life black dog.... This one
He's my rock atm, just me and him against it all. He's why I get up, get going every day, if I don't noone else will and I can't do that to him, he's to awesome an animal to mistreat like that.
My best mate I talk to but not fully, he knows when things are shit, doesn't know 'everything' but I'm glad he's there. As mentioned in above posts, I do better when we get time for beers after work, when we don't get the chance for a week or 2 it makes a difference.
My GF has her own issues, big issues, and I don't feel right putting this on her so she knows bugger all.
Fark, could ramble on here all day so better stop or I'll start going in circles.
I'll end with this, riding helps, exercise helps, friends help, family helps.... But doesn't cure, for me I don't think there is a cure, more of a continuous journey and fight, but one I'm getting better prepared for.
Have battled with it for almost a decade now with only realising in the last few years that I have been. Crux for me was breaking down into a sobbing mess that couldn't move, talk, or do anything at work in front of everyone during a toolbox meeting.
I have my moments, apparently happy, intelligent, randomness that exudes joy in others when I'm 'on'
Deeply dark, hollow, paralysing, when I'm down. Just getting out of bed can be too much of an effort.
This has affected my working life in constant job changes, poor attendance, mood swings.
Nothing really seems to help, I can be good for years then bam, the bastard dog brings back the stick and the game continues.
People 'expect results' so you stop telling them what's going on, you smile, using every last bit of strength not to break out and crumble around them.
After I broke down I had a chat with my boss, seemed understanding, seemed caring, told me about his sister suffering so he' knew' what it was like..... Fucking arsehat!!!
Meds screwed my head, so foggy, dazed, no idea what was going on, couldn't drive (required for my job) and touching electricity was scary. Had to stop them....
2 weeks later, having a chat with a co-worker (fuggin awesome bloke, was my rock at work) boss comes over, says it's good to see I look happier and glad I got over it. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! My mood dropped and I felt so sorry for his sister immediately knowing this prick is probably whitewashing her too. Safe to say I didn't hang around there too much longer....
I'm struggling at the moment, finding excuses to hide away, not really wanting to be around people, not really knowing what I want to do, where I want to be, so am kinda on autopilot just going through the daily motions. Doing what's expected and longing to be at home, left alone, just me and my real life black dog.... This one
He's my rock atm, just me and him against it all. He's why I get up, get going every day, if I don't noone else will and I can't do that to him, he's to awesome an animal to mistreat like that.
My best mate I talk to but not fully, he knows when things are shit, doesn't know 'everything' but I'm glad he's there. As mentioned in above posts, I do better when we get time for beers after work, when we don't get the chance for a week or 2 it makes a difference.
My GF has her own issues, big issues, and I don't feel right putting this on her so she knows bugger all.
Fark, could ramble on here all day so better stop or I'll start going in circles.
I'll end with this, riding helps, exercise helps, friends help, family helps.... But doesn't cure, for me I don't think there is a cure, more of a continuous journey and fight, but one I'm getting better prepared for.
Ridenparadise
Likes Bikes and Dirt
fridgie, you need to show what you wrote to your GF. It is hard to assess other people's big issues with what you have going on. Let her decide.
Daily routine can only help for so long. Medication can have bad side effects at first and then kick in and work. Sometimes it takes a few weeks. Also, no anti-depressant is a guarantee. Around 10% of people will fail to respond appropriately to 2 different classes of medication. It does sound like you need to see a private psychiatrist ASAP. Medication can help and make the difference between responding to non-pharmacological therapies. You need help to find the right one.
What you said about the daily same old helping is true. Going on autopilot and just getting out of bed is sometimes the only stabilising influence. If you had a broken leg, it would be acceptable to take time off work, progress bit by bit, week by week and no-one would be critical that you were not able to be at your best. This is more important. There is no guilt in being unwell. One way or another, we all go through it at times. Please don't drop professional care because it hasn't been effective so far. To use my analogy above, if the cast on your leg is uncomfortable and damaging the skin you would not stay home, put up with the pain and accept an adverse outcome. Please get help.
Just throwing something out here - is there a chance those who are suffering and live near each other could get together for a regular ride? Group support, eyes for danger and something to enjoy together, plus something positive in the weekly/monthly routine may be possible?
Daily routine can only help for so long. Medication can have bad side effects at first and then kick in and work. Sometimes it takes a few weeks. Also, no anti-depressant is a guarantee. Around 10% of people will fail to respond appropriately to 2 different classes of medication. It does sound like you need to see a private psychiatrist ASAP. Medication can help and make the difference between responding to non-pharmacological therapies. You need help to find the right one.
What you said about the daily same old helping is true. Going on autopilot and just getting out of bed is sometimes the only stabilising influence. If you had a broken leg, it would be acceptable to take time off work, progress bit by bit, week by week and no-one would be critical that you were not able to be at your best. This is more important. There is no guilt in being unwell. One way or another, we all go through it at times. Please don't drop professional care because it hasn't been effective so far. To use my analogy above, if the cast on your leg is uncomfortable and damaging the skin you would not stay home, put up with the pain and accept an adverse outcome. Please get help.
Just throwing something out here - is there a chance those who are suffering and live near each other could get together for a regular ride? Group support, eyes for danger and something to enjoy together, plus something positive in the weekly/monthly routine may be possible?
Boom King
downloaded a pic of moorey's bruised arse
Ridenparadise, very true. fridgie described the way I felt exactly.
It is important to find a treatment regime that fits the individual. Just because one course of action doesn't give the desired result, don't stop searching. There is a way out, just have to find the right key for your particular lock.
It is important to find a treatment regime that fits the individual. Just because one course of action doesn't give the desired result, don't stop searching. There is a way out, just have to find the right key for your particular lock.
ajay
^Once punched Jeff Kennett. Don't pick an e-fight
depression isn't quite a reaction of your surroundings, more an imbalance in your brain. Its not something you can just "use". While it's certainly amplified by stimuli, its not really something you can easily control. Especially creatively.
I used to record tons of music (none of it much good, but passionately none the less), but during even mild depression, picking up my guitar seemed like the most insipid, useless activity. I knew I loved to play, but there just nothing there. That made the creative process basically non existent.
I think a lot of great music (ill just use music as an example because it's what I'm familiar with) has been written under great emotional duress, but not necessarily under great depression. Of course there's exceptions that....
fridgie
Likes Dirt
Yep, lots of 'treatments' don't work for me, talking to a psych doesn't do a lot, I just get frustrated. Meds knock me about huge and I'm a very addictive personality type so must be very careful with meds.
Recognising was my biggest breakthrough, I've got plans in place, things are working as much as they can, I put a lot into others and this lifts me more than anything.
Far better position than I was a few years ago
pink poodle
気が狂っている男
...you guys have been busy! While everyone experiences highs and lows, the ongoing suffering of depression, stress, anxiety, paranoia and more is something that men (lets face it most people on here are men) just love to glaze over. I've had plenty of friends get hit really hard by it over the years, but seem to have dodged the bullet thus far.
One thing I think is of great importance though is connectivity. Our current social model errodes connectivity with great haste, add to that the suppression and rejection of your unique value and it is a recipe for disaster. Like Link pointed out, we all have shit going on in a unique way. Having a place and friends etc where you know you're accepted and people are prepared to dig beneath the polite surface material of life is invaluable.
One thing I think is of great importance though is connectivity. Our current social model errodes connectivity with great haste, add to that the suppression and rejection of your unique value and it is a recipe for disaster. Like Link pointed out, we all have shit going on in a unique way. Having a place and friends etc where you know you're accepted and people are prepared to dig beneath the polite surface material of life is invaluable.
The Duckmeister
Has a juicy midrange
What separates depression from the normal shit we all have that makes us edgy is when the brain completely overreacts to emotional stimulus, or worse, reacts anyway, when there's nothing happening to actually react to. That's when things get really fucked up, and it's hard for people who haven't felt that to comprehend. To recycle the broken leg analogy, when you're in a cast, people can see that there's a physical condition that's imposing limitations on what you're capable of doing. They can't see when your brain is broken, so can't understand that shit just doesn't happen the wayit looks like it should.... And that then makes you feel more isolated, which then gives you something to actually feel shit about, and then you get the feelings of worthlessness, and everything just keeps spiralling down.
fatboyonabike
Captain oblivious
i lived most of my adult life with depression, guess thats why im a fatboy_ its how i cope.
raised by a bi-polar mother and a father with un-diagnosed PTSD, it rubs off on you, becomes normal.
i have battled obesity, heavy drug use, depression, reckless behaviour , yaddah yaddah yaddah..i take the black dog for a walk fairly regularly, but thanks to my wife and two wonderful twin boys, life seems different these days.
one thing that really helps me when im felling lost is zen quotations.. seems like a load of wank to some, but helps me come back down to earth...clear the head a little
another thing, is to try and keep out of other peoples problems - its too easy to get caught up in their shit, and then you feel like its your problem to solve, not theirs!
good luck to all doing it tough out there...Be Kind To Yourself!
raised by a bi-polar mother and a father with un-diagnosed PTSD, it rubs off on you, becomes normal.
i have battled obesity, heavy drug use, depression, reckless behaviour , yaddah yaddah yaddah..i take the black dog for a walk fairly regularly, but thanks to my wife and two wonderful twin boys, life seems different these days.
one thing that really helps me when im felling lost is zen quotations.. seems like a load of wank to some, but helps me come back down to earth...clear the head a little
another thing, is to try and keep out of other peoples problems - its too easy to get caught up in their shit, and then you feel like its your problem to solve, not theirs!
good luck to all doing it tough out there...Be Kind To Yourself!
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A mate telling me that it was OK to be sad helped... started all sorts of conversations that helped me through my divorce rather than the whole "cheer up, you have nothing to be sad about, put on a happy face" and all the other crap that people say.
Also making my bed every morning.... so simple and sounds lame, but no matter how shit I felt or how shit the day was at least I have completed one thing, everyday.
Still suffer from apathy, alcohol issues and lethargy, but learning to manage them all a little better every day. Its not about a cure, its about managing my health and being happy with small wins rather than trying to find a magic bullet
Also making my bed every morning.... so simple and sounds lame, but no matter how shit I felt or how shit the day was at least I have completed one thing, everyday.
Still suffer from apathy, alcohol issues and lethargy, but learning to manage them all a little better every day. Its not about a cure, its about managing my health and being happy with small wins rather than trying to find a magic bullet
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Bermshot
Banned
You lot are awesome!
I analyse everything, even after a few bot bots and am in bed trying to relax, body is fine but i'm ticking over at a thousand revs. If I go clean for 4 or more days, i'm ticking 2 thou revs, see everything, start telling people of the op's others are pulling then get strange eyes, fuck you i'm going for a beer and bleed out at the pub, laugh my head off with other wankers. Cycle the dosie do.
Well, to front up, many know of my midnight meanderings self medicating and writing that appears to have no meaning.
I'm happy when every plan perfectly works.
I analyse everything, even after a few bot bots and am in bed trying to relax, body is fine but i'm ticking over at a thousand revs. If I go clean for 4 or more days, i'm ticking 2 thou revs, see everything, start telling people of the op's others are pulling then get strange eyes, fuck you i'm going for a beer and bleed out at the pub, laugh my head off with other wankers. Cycle the dosie do.
Well, to front up, many know of my midnight meanderings self medicating and writing that appears to have no meaning.
I'm happy when every plan perfectly works.
mtb1611
Seymour
This is an excellent point. We all think we're connected via social media but most of the time it simply creates a disconnect that erodes away at real connections, ie: face to face and actually TALKING to one another. Ironic aint it....
shake_rattle_and_ roll
Pumpin'
Nice thread, Pint- a topic that ought to be discussed more than it is in this day in age.
It's encouraging to see a lot of RBers talking about something that we (males in particular) generally try to sweep under the carpet or keep in a box, for a variety of reasons; be it a sense of requirement for self-preservation or out of genuine concern for the well being of those close to you/us who function as as family, loved ones & friends (our support networks).
The black dog & depression IS a brutal motherfucker & I've lost more friends & colleagues than I care to count anymore as a result of it- not because I don't care to count or remember, but because I've accepted, acquiescently (certainly those I've lost in the last 15years) that as a result of the industry I was involved in & the lack of a genuine support network for those involved in a particular part of the industry (there was no genuine professional support/culturally discouraged from seeking professional support) much of it was well beyond my control. Sadly despite me, in several cases, recognising their struggles & trying to reach out to them things were simply too heavy for them to work through & they felt that ending it all was the only answer rather than continue to deal with the pain & mental anguish with no end in sight. They're all guys & girls who I still think about every-other-day. People that had so much to offer & so much ahead of them. And there's no amount of words that can express how much I miss them & wish they were still here because, a sentiment alluded to in a previous comment, they genuinely made the world a better place for being part of it. Just as all of you who are fighting the struggle are- irrespective of whether you can find it in yourself to believe that.
You are valued, you are loved & you a cared about more than you'll ever realise or allow yourself to necessarily appreciate. And I completely understand & empathise that sometimes that sentiment just doesn't feel like it's enough.
While my own personal experience isn't one of clinical depression, I have had to work through a few incidents that resulted in the deaths (brutal & violent in several cases)of innocents, friends & colleagues which at the time, as a result of concurrent events, despite being trained or 'conditioned' for such incidents, took shape in the form of what is clinically regarded as PTSD, which like depression has a scale. I've always been a pragmatic guy who operated on the principle of 'plan for the worst, hope for the best' & to know the situations & have contingencies in place to cater for all foreseeable outcomes, but even then there are simply situations that you won't be prepared for until you're in the thick of it & the first casualty is your plan. In my case the lynchpin took shape in what is referred to as Survivor Syndrome. It manifested in some very dark &, by my own admission, fucked up & downright pious reactions to people & situations. An example being that for a short period of time upon being back in Aus I took a particular pleasure in physically hurting those who hurt the vulnerable or those clearly weaker than those who exacted pain, hardship & hurt upon them. Situations that I sometimes sought out & welcomed for its therapeutic validation of righting the situations for those who'd been wronged against. Something I'm not at all proud of, but I acknowledged & understood quite quickly where it came from & the basis for it. I subsequently acknowledged that it was a response mechanism for dealing my own pain; that sense of loss & questioning of why they were dead while I was alive. As a result I also realised that in order to deal with the pain & to get beyond it at the time I needed to take myself to a psychologist, not with the intent of them solving my "problems", but more so to have a neutral, uninhibited & professional sounding board to articulate the things that were burning inside of me that I wouldn't dare talk about in detail with my family or my significant other at the time. And it did genuinely did wonders for me, not necessarily because of any feedback I got from the shrink, but because it was a vehicle for dialogue which allowed me work through the things I'd continually thought about but had never actively spoken about in a pragmatic fashion.
Dialogue, diet, exercise & recognising who & what the parameters of my 'support network' were were what got me through that slightly turbulent period.
I'm not saying psychologists work for everyone, just as I know psychiatrists & drugs (prescribed or otherwise) don't work for everyone, but I would DEFINITELY encourage anyone of you who are going through really tough times to not turn your back on yourself- you deserve more than that. You do, I mean it. If you don't feel comfortable getting 'warts & all' with a close friend/s try talking to a professional if only to get the ball rolling in terms of getting it all out/off your chest by grabbing that yapping black dog on your shoulder by the scruff & tossing it out the back door while you reorganise the head-house. Like any profession or product, the quality & proficiency of psychologists vary, so do a little research because unlike cars or bikes there's no warranty for buying shit time with a shit shrink.
Everyone has different triggers, be it chemical imbalances or environmental contributors, but know you're not alone & you are care about.
Please don't ever give up on yourselves because you're a long time dead & there's still so much radness in the world for you to experience & be part of. Reach out, maintain your social networks & friendships, stay active, stay lucid but most importantly allow the love to shine on in (in any shape; be it your closet love for Barry Manilow & Lady GaGa or the simplicity of feeling sunshine on your face & hearing the birds in the trees) rather than allow that hardened crust you've allowed yourself to form to inhibit the in-flow & out-flow of dialogue & all of the good things that contribute to personal enrichment.
Stay frisky, stay present & do everything within your powers to keep those wheels rolling, even when the times are tough & the thought of throwing your leg over the bike doesn't seem inspiring.
It's encouraging to see a lot of RBers talking about something that we (males in particular) generally try to sweep under the carpet or keep in a box, for a variety of reasons; be it a sense of requirement for self-preservation or out of genuine concern for the well being of those close to you/us who function as as family, loved ones & friends (our support networks).
The black dog & depression IS a brutal motherfucker & I've lost more friends & colleagues than I care to count anymore as a result of it- not because I don't care to count or remember, but because I've accepted, acquiescently (certainly those I've lost in the last 15years) that as a result of the industry I was involved in & the lack of a genuine support network for those involved in a particular part of the industry (there was no genuine professional support/culturally discouraged from seeking professional support) much of it was well beyond my control. Sadly despite me, in several cases, recognising their struggles & trying to reach out to them things were simply too heavy for them to work through & they felt that ending it all was the only answer rather than continue to deal with the pain & mental anguish with no end in sight. They're all guys & girls who I still think about every-other-day. People that had so much to offer & so much ahead of them. And there's no amount of words that can express how much I miss them & wish they were still here because, a sentiment alluded to in a previous comment, they genuinely made the world a better place for being part of it. Just as all of you who are fighting the struggle are- irrespective of whether you can find it in yourself to believe that.
You are valued, you are loved & you a cared about more than you'll ever realise or allow yourself to necessarily appreciate. And I completely understand & empathise that sometimes that sentiment just doesn't feel like it's enough.
While my own personal experience isn't one of clinical depression, I have had to work through a few incidents that resulted in the deaths (brutal & violent in several cases)of innocents, friends & colleagues which at the time, as a result of concurrent events, despite being trained or 'conditioned' for such incidents, took shape in the form of what is clinically regarded as PTSD, which like depression has a scale. I've always been a pragmatic guy who operated on the principle of 'plan for the worst, hope for the best' & to know the situations & have contingencies in place to cater for all foreseeable outcomes, but even then there are simply situations that you won't be prepared for until you're in the thick of it & the first casualty is your plan. In my case the lynchpin took shape in what is referred to as Survivor Syndrome. It manifested in some very dark &, by my own admission, fucked up & downright pious reactions to people & situations. An example being that for a short period of time upon being back in Aus I took a particular pleasure in physically hurting those who hurt the vulnerable or those clearly weaker than those who exacted pain, hardship & hurt upon them. Situations that I sometimes sought out & welcomed for its therapeutic validation of righting the situations for those who'd been wronged against. Something I'm not at all proud of, but I acknowledged & understood quite quickly where it came from & the basis for it. I subsequently acknowledged that it was a response mechanism for dealing my own pain; that sense of loss & questioning of why they were dead while I was alive. As a result I also realised that in order to deal with the pain & to get beyond it at the time I needed to take myself to a psychologist, not with the intent of them solving my "problems", but more so to have a neutral, uninhibited & professional sounding board to articulate the things that were burning inside of me that I wouldn't dare talk about in detail with my family or my significant other at the time. And it did genuinely did wonders for me, not necessarily because of any feedback I got from the shrink, but because it was a vehicle for dialogue which allowed me work through the things I'd continually thought about but had never actively spoken about in a pragmatic fashion.
Dialogue, diet, exercise & recognising who & what the parameters of my 'support network' were were what got me through that slightly turbulent period.
I'm not saying psychologists work for everyone, just as I know psychiatrists & drugs (prescribed or otherwise) don't work for everyone, but I would DEFINITELY encourage anyone of you who are going through really tough times to not turn your back on yourself- you deserve more than that. You do, I mean it. If you don't feel comfortable getting 'warts & all' with a close friend/s try talking to a professional if only to get the ball rolling in terms of getting it all out/off your chest by grabbing that yapping black dog on your shoulder by the scruff & tossing it out the back door while you reorganise the head-house. Like any profession or product, the quality & proficiency of psychologists vary, so do a little research because unlike cars or bikes there's no warranty for buying shit time with a shit shrink.
Everyone has different triggers, be it chemical imbalances or environmental contributors, but know you're not alone & you are care about.
Please don't ever give up on yourselves because you're a long time dead & there's still so much radness in the world for you to experience & be part of. Reach out, maintain your social networks & friendships, stay active, stay lucid but most importantly allow the love to shine on in (in any shape; be it your closet love for Barry Manilow & Lady GaGa or the simplicity of feeling sunshine on your face & hearing the birds in the trees) rather than allow that hardened crust you've allowed yourself to form to inhibit the in-flow & out-flow of dialogue & all of the good things that contribute to personal enrichment.
Stay frisky, stay present & do everything within your powers to keep those wheels rolling, even when the times are tough & the thought of throwing your leg over the bike doesn't seem inspiring.
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