Black Dogs and mental shit in general

[Tubbsy]

I'm here to back up what Tubbsy said, and also say don't ever be sorry for reaching out.

I think one of the problems with the black dog is that it makes you think that you're being a burden, that people wouldn't want to hear your shit. That's the awful thing about it, when actually loads of people, and especially those close to you would only want to help and support if they knew you were in pain.

 

[zac]

Cheers guys. Yeah, work's work but hopefully it gets better. Hours are changing slightly so I'm planning to do an hour on the bike beforehand which I think should help my head a bit more

 

[zac]

I think one of the problems with the black dog is that it makes you think that you're being a burden, that people wouldn't want to hear your shit. That's the awful thing about it, when actually loads of people, and especially those close to you would only want to help and support if they knew you were in pain.

Yeah, just the thought of talking to friends/family about it makes me feel guilty which I get is part of it but still doesn't help.

 

[Rorschach]

I've been having a pretty rough time lately... I hit 40 last year and basically hit a mid life crisis head on. Put on a shitload of weight, been hit with asthma a fair bit this year, lost motivation for pretty much anything, struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel and not being entirely negative about the fact that it might be an oncoming train...

I'm very much feeling taken for granted both at home and especially work and I kinda don't really have a lot of people to talk to about what's going on in my head - don't socialize at all, I've got one good mate but I don't want to dump all my shit on him cause I don't want to make it his problem. Don't feel like I can really talk to my fiancee about it as she (and the rest of my family) all have way too much of their own shit going on and I don't want to add to that.

I've had a particularly dark couple of weeks lately - took a week off to spend riding for my 41st but got crook and had semi surprise visitors (which was admittedly really nice, hadnt seen my sister and her husband in 6 months) so that went out the window which didn't help my head (i'd been looking forward to that to help relax and refresh my head), then when I got back to work I'd been removed from the role I've had and loved for the last 18 months with no explanation whatsoever which sent me further into a hole. I've been stressing about money cause I have a dickhead credit card and a low paying job, and the car's been playing up but we can't afford to sell it unregistered so had to splurge to get it fixed. Also found out that dad (who has a heart condition which will eventually lead to failure) had to have a scan cause they reckoned his heart had deteriorated more than it should have - scan came back with nothing concerning though, whoch is a positive. Shit just seems to be piling up and I'm struggling to see over the heap, especially when last week I realised I'm now way too fucking heavy to ride my dually.

On the plus side, I went for a ride on Tuesday arvo (first time since may) - I managed to rearrange my hours a little and went up to Daisy Hill. Took the hardtail out and within seconds of starting Jim's I was giggling. It was a frickin blast, and I'd probably still be out there if I didn't have to pick up my fiancee and go to work. I didn't manage to ride as many of the fire road hills as I did last time I was there but had so much fun doing the trails I didn't care. Aiming to get back out next Tuesday but we'll see what happens.

I guess I've managed to claw my way out of the worst of it but I still feel like I'm very much struggling. I'm settling in to my new role at work and starting to enjoy it a little, but I'll still be hoping to get back to what I was doing. Semi looking at trying something different with a new job in a different industry, but even retraining is out of reach financially at the moment so I'm just keeping on I guess. I don't really mean to put this on anyone but I think I just needed to write it down and put it out there just this once, sorry - think this is the first time I've felt like I needed to do that and I'm not sure whether that's a bit of a concern or not...

Other than the asthma, I relate to everything you’ve said in your first paragraph.

I’ve been going through this nearly 3 years, and what has helped me is talk to a Psych, and get it off my chest on here.
I try to talk to my wife, but she doesn’t get it and I’m too embarrassed to tell people at work. I have no social life or real friends to speak of other than people at work or parents of other kids.
Talking to people you don’t know helps. The guys on here are incredibly supportive and reached out to me and checked in.
Go and see your doc, they’ll refer you. Talking is the best thing. If you can’t talk to someone you know, talk to someone who doesn’t.

 

[The Duckmeister]

I feel very guilty at the thought of putting what's going on in my head into someone else's...

Put it on us all you like; as you can see from this thread there's a bunch of people in a similar boat and plenty of people happy to talk and listen.

Nobody on here will ever have an issue with you unburdening yourself.

+Another to Tubbsy's comment.... Pretty much everyone who has posted in this thread has experienced what you're feeling. The Dog makes you feel alone, but you are not. You are NOT a burden to those who truly care about you, they are there for you when things go really shit. So go ahead and unload whatever shit is in your head, we are here for you.

 

[Minlak]

I kind of like the idea of this, I feel very guilty at the thought of putting what's going on in my head into someone else's... Glad to hear you're feeling like you're improving - have you spoken to the doc about the sleeplessness?

You say “they have their own problems” “I don’t want to burden them” etc

I do not know a single person when it all goes to shit and you “wig” out or worse that won’t go!
“I had no idea! - I wish they had told me!”
Its not weak to speak!

 

[Minlak]

Once again it seems paying health professionals to do their job is waste of my time and money - I received an email with the report from the Clinical Psychologist I had to have written before I could see a Psychiatrist.

At the bottom of the report it says
"There were possible signs of autism as well for Stephen, in my opinion. However, to the best
of my knowledge he has not returned the measures I gave him to commence examining this
possibility, and there was insufficient time in the session to conduct a formal assessment."

Except I did return them - I returned them the day I got back from seeing him - they are in my sent items - I emailed the clinic back and then I rang them asking why this wasn't included as I had done everything requested of me?
Response was "He gets so many of them I am sure they are in there somewhere I will let him know" - Hang on I paid you to do this report my own money not a free health care thing (although that should be irrelevant free or not people should do their job to the best of their ability) - If you have tooo many clients you are in private practice - reduce your work load - essentially I have to pay again to get the work done that I have already paid for.

And this is part of the problem that sent me on this path in the first place - cause now it all seems too hard and I am just not going to bother.

 

[beeb]

Once again it seems paying health professionals to do their job is waste of my time and money - I received an email with the report from the Clinical Psychologist I had to have written before I could see a Psychiatrist.

At the bottom of the report it says
"There were possible signs of autism as well for Stephen, in my opinion. However, to the best
of my knowledge he has not returned the measures I gave him to commence examining this
possibility, and there was insufficient time in the session to conduct a formal assessment."

Except I did return them - I returned them the day I got back from seeing him - they are in my sent items - I emailed the clinic back and then I rang them asking why this wasn't included as I had done everything requested of me?
Response was "He gets so many of them I am sure they are in there somewhere I will let him know" - Hang on I paid you to do this report my own money not a free health care thing (although that should be irrelevant free or not people should do their job to the best of their ability) - If you have tooo many clients you are in private practice - reduce your work load - essentially I have to pay again to get the work done that I have already paid for.

And this is part of the problem that sent me on this path in the first place - cause now it all seems too hard and I am just not going to bother.

Surely you wouldn't have to pay again if they missed your response? I'd be putting it firmly back in their court.

 

[Jabubu]

Once again it seems paying health professionals to do their job is waste of my time and money - I received an email with the report from the Clinical Psychologist I had to have written before I could see a Psychiatrist.

At the bottom of the report it says
"There were possible signs of autism as well for Stephen, in my opinion. However, to the best
of my knowledge he has not returned the measures I gave him to commence examining this
possibility, and there was insufficient time in the session to conduct a formal assessment."

Except I did return them - I returned them the day I got back from seeing him - they are in my sent items - I emailed the clinic back and then I rang them asking why this wasn't included as I had done everything requested of me?
Response was "He gets so many of them I am sure they are in there somewhere I will let him know" - Hang on I paid you to do this report my own money not a free health care thing (although that should be irrelevant free or not people should do their job to the best of their ability) - If you have tooo many clients you are in private practice - reduce your work load - essentially I have to pay again to get the work done that I have already paid for.

And this is part of the problem that sent me on this path in the first place - cause now it all seems too hard and I am just not going to bother.

I'd make an appointment to see the doctor, demand the report is done along with evidence that contradicts what they wrote, then refuse to pay on the way out. Chunts.

 

[LPG]

I haven't really posted in here as I don't have notable depression issues but I am affected by ADHD. I was never diagnosed as a kid as I can be pretty switched on with the classes I enjoyed and did well at school on 80% of things because of this. Uni took me 10 years for a 5 year course, though I was working, taking semesters off to travel etc during that time. I'm pretty good at my job but time management and keeping focused on the right task is a struggle. I am saved by being able to figure out a solution to a problem before most people start to understand it. I also seem to be able to focus very well when speaking/meetings etc.

Since having a child I've found things a bit harder. Mainly it is the lack of free time means I can't catch up on procrastinated time easily. I also realised I leant on my wife for sleep schedules. She goes to bed early with the little one and I finish dishes etc. Without her nagging me to come to bed I will easily waste time for hours and go to bed at 2am+on a weeknights days in a row of I am not careful

The above sounds negative but I currently feel like I am able to manage things. Working hard to get good sleep and exercise seems to help and I am working on this right now. I have been trying to get something done at work and was going to do it on the weekend. After a good ride and playing with the little one, cooking etc I didn't get to it on the weekend. I did manage to get some decent sleep and went to bed at 8.30 with the little man Sunday night and decided to work from home Monday (today). I woke up to my alarm at 4am and was working by 4.15. aside from 1 hr getting the little one ready and eating breakfast with him at 8 I worked solidly until 6pm. I didn't look at the phone or anything all day, I didn't even eat lunch until 4Pm. It's not sustainable but it feels good to start the week productive instead of struggling with focus.

I have way too much to say but I am trying to be good and go to bed at an appropriate time. Part 2 will come tomorrow, my self allocated time is up.

 

[Minlak]

Whelp! - it’s officially Christmas - my birthday is one week prior to Christmas and the whole Birthday / Christmas period makes me agitated / unsettled / manic / depressed - I have always hated this period of the year - I think a lot of it is the not knowing how to react to people in this whole “loved ones” season and that on many occasions my Birthday was completely forgotten - I recall my 14th Birthday in particular I had wanted a back pack as I was into venturers ( teen Boy Scouts) ( you used to also be able to say that statement with out the funny looks) - towards the end of the day I asked if I was getting a present and no one had even mentioned my birthday and my dad went of his tree at me for being ungrateful and expecting a present at all - I mean cmon both my brothers had received gifts that year why wouldn’t I expect the same - I had gotten one every other year.
So anyway yeah hate the time of year and know when it’s officially Christmas when my mood changes.

Edit- oh and the insomnia is back with a vengeance - on a positive note only 4 more sleeps until Christmas

 

[fjohn860]

Fk Xmas.

Get out and ride that eeb mate. That should be your main priority in this difficult time.

 

[ForkinGreat]

Whelp! - it’s officially Christmas - my birthday is one week prior to Christmas and the whole Birthday / Christmas period makes me agitated / unsettled / manic / depressed - I have always hated this period of the year - I think a lot of it is the not knowing how to react to people in this whole “loved ones” season and that on many occasions my Birthday was completely forgotten - I recall my 14th Birthday in particular I had wanted a back pack as I was into venturers ( teen Boy Scouts) ( you used to also be able to say that statement with out the funny looks) - towards the end of the day I asked if I was getting a present and no one had even mentioned my birthday and my dad went of his tree at me for being ungrateful and expecting a present at all - I mean cmon both my brothers had received gifts that year why wouldn’t I expect the same - I had gotten one every other year.
So anyway yeah hate the time of year and know when it’s officially Christmas when my mood changes.

Edit- oh and the insomnia is back with a vengeance - on a positive note only 4 more sleeps until Christmas

Wow, your old man sounds like a bit of a cunt. How old is he? is he nursing home age? if not, you have plenty of time to plan how to make his twilight years a living hell.
On a side note, my well-being improved significantly when I stopped giving a flying fuck what my dad thought about me, his "approval" and basically anything he crapped on about.

 

[Minlak]

Wow, your old man sounds like a bit of a cunt. How old is he? is he nursing home age? if not, you have plenty of time to plan how to make his twilight years a living hell.

I think he is late 70’s now - nursing home or not is his issue - I have no relationship with my parents beyond the cordial appearance of keeping in touch. Well with any of my family really - Haven’t spoken to either of my brothers since January this year - and would be the same with my parents if they would just stop trying to talk to me.

 

[Dales Cannon]

Whelp! - it’s officially Christmas - my birthday is one week prior to Christmas and the whole Birthday / Christmas period makes me agitated / unsettled / manic / depressed - I have always hated this period of the year - I think a lot of it is the not knowing how to react to people in this whole “loved ones” season and that on many occasions my Birthday was completely forgotten - I recall my 14th Birthday in particular I had wanted a back pack as I was into venturers ( teen Boy Scouts) ( you used to also be able to say that statement with out the funny looks) - towards the end of the day I asked if I was getting a present and no one had even mentioned my birthday and my dad went of his tree at me for being ungrateful and expecting a present at all - I mean cmon both my brothers had received gifts that year why wouldn’t I expect the same - I had gotten one every other year.
So anyway yeah hate the time of year and know when it’s officially Christmas when my mood changes.

Edit- oh and the insomnia is back with a vengeance - on a positive note only 4 more sleeps until Christmas

I think all us December babies can relate. Christmas is coming up so you won't get a big present, ok? No but what choice? Small present was usually next years school uniform or shoes etc. Didnt matter my siblings had big birthdays and christmases. Part of that was being part of a family without much in the way of free cash.

 

[Minlak]

I think all us December babies can relate. Christmas is coming up so you won't get a big present, ok? No but what choice? Small present was usually next years school uniform or shoes etc. Didnt matter my siblings had big birthdays and christmases. Part of that was being part of a family without much in the way of free cash.

Yeah! - my daughter asks me now what do I want for my birthday and I always say “nothing” “spend your money on yourself” (the same with Christmas presents) it’s not that I don’t want something but that it actually pains me to consider getting something now.

 

[ForkinGreat]

I think he is late 70’s now - nursing home or not is his issue - I have no relationship with my parents beyond the cordial appearance of keeping in touch. Well with any of my family really - Haven’t spoken to either of my brothers since January this year - and would be the same with my parents if they would just stop trying to talk to me.

Family can be knobs, unfortunately. sometimes we are the knobs, but i get the sense it's definitely them.

My brothers wife has a stick the size of the Ada tree lodged up her backside, I haven't seen him at christmas for a good 30 years or more as a result.
That and my brother and I never got on well.
I spend Christmas with my Mum, no presents, but I fill a Christmas stocking with treats and a couple of nice bits and bobs for each of us. We have a nice breakfast and lunch that I cook, we play Scrabble, then have a snooze. It's a good, relaxed day.
Last year we had a friend join us, as her sister, who is Navy, and controls the Family Christmas lunch with an iron fist, was giving my friend the shits way more than usual.

 

[Minlak]

Family can be knobs, unfortunately. sometimes we are the knobs, but i get the sense it's definitely them.

My brothers wife has a stick the size of the Ada tree lodged up her backside, I haven't seen him at christmas for a good 30 years or more as a result.
That and my brother and I never got on well.
I spend Christmas with my Mum, no presents, but I fill a Christmas stocking with treats and a couple of nice bits and bobs for each of us. We have a nice breakfast and lunch that I cook, we play Scrabble, then have a snooze. It's a good, relaxed day.
Last year we had a friend join us, as her sister, who is Navy, and controls the Family Christmas lunch with an iron fist, was giving my friend the shits way more than usual.

I think the only time I enjoyed Christmas was when I was 25 - 28 - those 4 years where we were living the people around us had an “Orphans Christmas” every year - people that had no where to go or people to be with went to that and it felt good as we were all kindred spirits so to speak

 

[ozzybmx]

A mate of mine (back in Belfast) was down in my house and my mum asked him if he was looking forward to Christmas, he said not really Janet, every year is the same, sitting in the living room with holes in your socks, looking out through the window at all your mates and kids on the street with nice toys and on new bikes.

My mum said she cried her eyes out when we left.

Brings it all into perspective.

 

[ForkinGreat]

A mate of mine (back in Belfast) was down in my house and my mum asked him if he was looking forward to Christmas, he said not really Janet, every year is the same, sitting in the living room with holes in your socks, looking out through the window at all your mates and kids on the street with nice toys and on new bikes.

My mum said she cried her eyes out when we left.

Brings it all into perspective.

IMO, the only thing that matters about Christmas is spending time with loved ones and sharing a meal together.

I loved getting presents as a kid, but as an adult, it was the extended family gathering together that I missed the most, and it's that loss of connection that makes me incredibly sad right now.