I had a friends wedding overseas and I went traveling for a few weeks afterwards, I got sick of carrying my shoes, suit pants, belt etc. around so I mailed it from Northern Thailand about 3 weeks ago...I'm now back at work, no sign of the package so I'm minus my work shoes and a belt! Not only am I a fuckwit I look like one too! I could buy more but I really can't be arsed! Haha!
Confessions from the fuckwits
- Thread starter moorey
- Start date
harmonix1234
Eats Squid
Been holding out on this because of my utter *uckwittery. But the childhood scars need to be aired.
When I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, I found myself on the school hockey team.
Not sure how it happened, I didn't want to do it, but however it happened I ended up on the field competing against another school on a frosty morning at the local oval in shorts that were two sizes too big.
The catch was, I had never played group sports until now and I didn't understand the concept of sports. Or to be more precise, I didn't understand that it was us against them.
"What do I do Dad"? I asked
"Just hit the ball into the nets with your stick"
Whistle blows, I run at the ball holding my shorts up with one hand waving the hockey stick at opponents and fellow team meates alike.
The ground cleared in my path. I eyed up the closest set of nets and smashed that ball like a mofo past the goalie into the nets. Our nets.
All the players stood in their tracks, confused, as the goalie picked up the ball and rolled it towards me. The ball stopped at my feet so I just smashed it back at him even harder and into the nets again. Hell yeah! I'm awesome at this game.
The goalie picked up the ball and just stood there and looked at me with a confused look while I am pumping my hockey stick in the air, holding my shorts up with the other hand.
Coach came and took me off the field.
Dad walked me away from the field as red a a beetroot and we got in the car and went home.
Dad explained the aim of the game on the way home.
When I was a kid, maybe 6 or 7, I found myself on the school hockey team.
Not sure how it happened, I didn't want to do it, but however it happened I ended up on the field competing against another school on a frosty morning at the local oval in shorts that were two sizes too big.
The catch was, I had never played group sports until now and I didn't understand the concept of sports. Or to be more precise, I didn't understand that it was us against them.
"What do I do Dad"? I asked
"Just hit the ball into the nets with your stick"
Whistle blows, I run at the ball holding my shorts up with one hand waving the hockey stick at opponents and fellow team meates alike.
The ground cleared in my path. I eyed up the closest set of nets and smashed that ball like a mofo past the goalie into the nets. Our nets.
All the players stood in their tracks, confused, as the goalie picked up the ball and rolled it towards me. The ball stopped at my feet so I just smashed it back at him even harder and into the nets again. Hell yeah! I'm awesome at this game.
The goalie picked up the ball and just stood there and looked at me with a confused look while I am pumping my hockey stick in the air, holding my shorts up with the other hand.
Coach came and took me off the field.
Dad walked me away from the field as red a a beetroot and we got in the car and went home.
Dad explained the aim of the game on the way home.
eyes
Likes Bikes and Dirt
As if, you'd have plenty more before we close this bad boy...
moorey
call me Mia
Fair call.
Little fuckwittedness yesterday. Got a new sh AM frame, built it up and took for first good ride. Had aweful squeak in a pivot, so put it in work stand to find problem. First bolt I loosen was top shock mount, and bingo, that was it. Removed whole shock though, and cranks to check other pivot points while at it. All perfect, so we (mate was with me) lubed the dry pivot, and went to put cranks back on.
WIDGET NOW BINDS ONTO CHAINSTAY YOLK. Mate and I scratch heads, he says it must have always been like that. I tell him I just built it yesterday, and spaced it out with 2mm clearance. Show him there's no marks on chain stay from rubbing chainring. Mate says I'm an idiot, I say I'm not. We both acknowledge its not possible. This goes on for an hour, both scratching our heads and thinking the other is a moron.
Finally, the penny dropped.... When shock is out, rear triangle sags and fowls on the chain rings. Replaced shock in silence, said our 'how do you dos', and went our separate ways. Pair of fuckwits. :noidea:
Kingshill
Likes Dirt
Name your mate. And you hang it on me for my mechanical skills..
moorey
call me Mia
Stoo, so I don't mind if he's a fuckwit as well. At least I didn't bin the frame and shrug my shoulders like you would have...:lol:
Bodin
GMBC
I might be a bit late on the uptake, but this has me in tears right now. This and the stabbing-yourself-in-the-eye-by-bouncing-a-screwdriver-off-the-floor.Thought that this would fit in here perfectly. Theo is Shredden BTW.
Both fucking hilarious.
OK... so here's my story.
Visited a mate who was working in Seattle for a couple of weeks back in August 2011. I'd had a bloody hard year and 2 weeks overseas with my best mate was always going to be epic. We pretty much intended to drink North-Western America back to the fucking Stone Age.
The day after I arrived, my mate's hooked us up with a day on a 3-level corporate barge overlooking the "Sea Fair" festivities on Lake Washington. Hooters waitresses serving drink after drink after drink. Over the course of the afternoon, pretty much everyone on board took turns jumping off the top level of the boat and sinking massive quantities of piss.
By the time we'd put our Kiwi mate in to an alcohol-induced coma, the day was wrapping up and I hadn't realised the boat had pulled up anchor and started moving. I'm oblivious to this fact and gear up for another epic dive in to Lake Washington.
My mate says "We're moving".
I'm too pissed to understand that "We're moving" means "we're moving" and just launch in to it and pretty much knock myself out on impact with one of the deepest lakes in North America.
Boat full of Americans all freaking out looking at my mate, who just shrugs his shoulders and says: "Well I told him..." and calmly resumes his beverage.
Meanwhile back in the lake, I struggle to the surface and immediately realise that:
A) the $200 I'd just spent at the duty free on some new shades was making its way to the bottom,
B) my mate had been trying to tell me something I actually needed to know.
So I start trying to swim like Michael Phelps, because that's basically how fast I'd have to go to get anywhere near this barge now that it's at full steam. Ever tried swimming faster than you've ever swum when you're paralytically drunk? I can tell you it doesn't work and as soon as the initial burst of (fear-based) energy wore off, I realised I was literally going to fucking drown.
F_U_C_K_W_I_T
My memories get a bit hazy after that, but apparently another smaller boat fished me out and got me back to the barge. I have no recollection of actually getting back to the barge, but that probably has something to do with the fact that in my concussed, paralytic state, the best thing to do once we got back on land was to go find a bar and get utterly, utterly slaughtered and abuse everyone I could wave a finger at - including the people who ran the event.
D_O_U_B_L_E F_U_C_K_W_I_T
Guess that's what happens when a full 12 months of stress and frustration decides to exit your system in about half a day via a massive injection of alcohol.
America: F:usa:CK YEAH!
outtacontrol
Likes Bikes and Dirt
Had an embarrassing moment awhile ago. I have run tubeless for ages, starting on ghetto, but upgrading to Stans rims that have always been entirely painless and providing a reassuring POP when the tyre beads.
I wanted to set up a spare set of heavier wheels for DH and a mate gave me some Stans rim strips to use. I had never used them and asked what they were like compared to the Stans rims. 'Piece of piss', he reckons. Just mount them up and keep pumping till you hear them pop.
When starting out on tubeless, a mate put me onto a secret ingredient that he adds to his sealant. Glitter, as it turns out, was his secret weapon. At first I thought he was taking the piss, but he argued that it added a little extra bulk to the sealant and helped with bigger holes. 'What the hell', I thought, 'How could it hurt'.
After a few months and no flats, i thought I was onto a winner...
Anyhow, I digress. I started setting up the spare wheel set with the rim strips, adding the glitter laden sealant. I had access to a big commercial air compressor, which was awesome at popping the tyres on.
Tyres on, pumping begins. I noticed the tyre was getting very hard, but didn't hear any pops at all, so let it back down, sprayed it with soapy water again. Started pumping again, tyre getting hard...... oh, I can see some movement near the bead.... BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2.4 Ardent blows off the rim like a fucking bomb and ends up somewhere across the workshop. My hand is completely numb to my wrist and my ears are ringing like a bitch. Also become aware that I am covered from head to toe in Stans and glittering like a Sydney Mardi Gra dancer.
Turns out rims strips don't go POP. My hand got feeling back after about half an hour, but my thumb stayed numb for about 2 weeks.....
My shoes still glitter 2 years on.
I wanted to set up a spare set of heavier wheels for DH and a mate gave me some Stans rim strips to use. I had never used them and asked what they were like compared to the Stans rims. 'Piece of piss', he reckons. Just mount them up and keep pumping till you hear them pop.
When starting out on tubeless, a mate put me onto a secret ingredient that he adds to his sealant. Glitter, as it turns out, was his secret weapon. At first I thought he was taking the piss, but he argued that it added a little extra bulk to the sealant and helped with bigger holes. 'What the hell', I thought, 'How could it hurt'.
After a few months and no flats, i thought I was onto a winner...
Anyhow, I digress. I started setting up the spare wheel set with the rim strips, adding the glitter laden sealant. I had access to a big commercial air compressor, which was awesome at popping the tyres on.
Tyres on, pumping begins. I noticed the tyre was getting very hard, but didn't hear any pops at all, so let it back down, sprayed it with soapy water again. Started pumping again, tyre getting hard...... oh, I can see some movement near the bead.... BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2.4 Ardent blows off the rim like a fucking bomb and ends up somewhere across the workshop. My hand is completely numb to my wrist and my ears are ringing like a bitch. Also become aware that I am covered from head to toe in Stans and glittering like a Sydney Mardi Gra dancer.
Turns out rims strips don't go POP. My hand got feeling back after about half an hour, but my thumb stayed numb for about 2 weeks.....
My shoes still glitter 2 years on.
Genius Josh
Likes Dirt
I was living in Whistler on an absolute sauce and soup cracker budget (so that I could ride more and work less) and wore a set of brake pads out on my Hayes El Caminos. This was about 3 weeks before The bike park closes heavy rain starts and you think about buying snowboards and eating turkey. Being a tightarse i looked in every shop found some pads on sale haggled down further and took them to where Revolution bike shop had "free tools" out front. Perfect for someone without the money to spend on a mechanic.
I somehow managed to cock it up and to twist the piston pushing it back in. Oiley shit everywhere, a big mess. I roll into the shop an explain my predicament give the guy the bike thinking I had made my limited financial capacity clear and that I was looking for the cheapest solution to my problem. I get back down to the shop and proceeded to loose my shit when they show me how they have basically done a ground up build replacing hoses, seals our guy is sponsored by Hayes and knows his shit and spent hours on it. The bill ended up costing near enough to $200 CDN. More than enough for a new cheap set of stoppers on each end. I call them a pack of arseholes eventually pay the bill and leave.
Years later I'm home in Australia no longer a starving traveller. I brought the collective DVDs to remind me of fond memories of travels. I was pretty surprised when the Tyler Moorland scene comes on and am pretty sure I hurtled a bunch of verbal at him and the other guy in the shop on that day.
If you ever read this. I'm sorry about that. Gargamel was a sweet trail and I rode those brakes for another 4 years they were pretty much as good as new. I only stopped using them when I had some arsehole steal the bike from me, not because the brakes stopped working.
Sorry
Sweet trails
Nice films
I somehow managed to cock it up and to twist the piston pushing it back in. Oiley shit everywhere, a big mess. I roll into the shop an explain my predicament give the guy the bike thinking I had made my limited financial capacity clear and that I was looking for the cheapest solution to my problem. I get back down to the shop and proceeded to loose my shit when they show me how they have basically done a ground up build replacing hoses, seals our guy is sponsored by Hayes and knows his shit and spent hours on it. The bill ended up costing near enough to $200 CDN. More than enough for a new cheap set of stoppers on each end. I call them a pack of arseholes eventually pay the bill and leave.
Years later I'm home in Australia no longer a starving traveller. I brought the collective DVDs to remind me of fond memories of travels. I was pretty surprised when the Tyler Moorland scene comes on and am pretty sure I hurtled a bunch of verbal at him and the other guy in the shop on that day.
If you ever read this. I'm sorry about that. Gargamel was a sweet trail and I rode those brakes for another 4 years they were pretty much as good as new. I only stopped using them when I had some arsehole steal the bike from me, not because the brakes stopped working.
Sorry
Sweet trails
Nice films
Jake K
Likes Dirt
You're not alone there. Almost the exact same thing happened to me - minus the glitter thankfully. Same injury and everything. I swear those rubber rim strips are the devil when they're not seated right. I tell you what though, the bang and the pain did a much better job of waking me up that morning! Not to mention smelling like a used condom for the rest of the work day
allan.taylor64
Likes Dirt
[video]http://www.pinkbike.com/video/212614/[/video] I think this one of a mate belongs in here somewhere...
Genius Josh
Likes Dirt
This and Stan the Glittery Mardi Gras man have made my day.
harmonix1234
Eats Squid
Embarrassing harmonix Moments #426
Yesterday.
I work in older persons mental health at a clinic that specialises in clients that have dementia related mental illnesses.
I am sitting at the reception desk at the doctors clinic.
A new client who I have never seen before comes out of his doctors appointment and walks up to the counter and says "I have to make an appointment for a months time, can you set that up for me please"?
So, I open the doctors calendar and book him in for next month.
As he leaves he says goodbye, and instead of me replying "All the best David" I say "You're the best David".
He stops and says "Pardon me"? and I panic and try and make light of the situation and say "Simply the best", like the Tina Turner song, and his wife gives me a real dirty look and grabs him by the arm and says "Come on, let's go" and drags him out before I can set myself straight.
They must think I am crazy.
Social retardation at it's finest.
Yesterday.
I work in older persons mental health at a clinic that specialises in clients that have dementia related mental illnesses.
I am sitting at the reception desk at the doctors clinic.
A new client who I have never seen before comes out of his doctors appointment and walks up to the counter and says "I have to make an appointment for a months time, can you set that up for me please"?
So, I open the doctors calendar and book him in for next month.
As he leaves he says goodbye, and instead of me replying "All the best David" I say "You're the best David".
He stops and says "Pardon me"? and I panic and try and make light of the situation and say "Simply the best", like the Tina Turner song, and his wife gives me a real dirty look and grabs him by the arm and says "Come on, let's go" and drags him out before I can set myself straight.
They must think I am crazy.
Social retardation at it's finest.
indica
Serial flasher
Yes.
You are.
Pastavore
Eats Squid
Fine work H, starts subtly, easily rescued, but then a magnificent secondary escalation. Something we can all aspire to. Kudos!
moorey
call me Mia
Inherited that mechanical aptitude for dad, old bean. I personally have only ever done that about 30 times.
I blame removing them from an upright bike and putting them on an upturned bike and getting arse around, but I confess, I'm a fuckwit. :behindsofa: