Confessions
- Thread starter harmonix1234
- Start date
Nautonier
Eats Squid
Has anyone checked this out:
http://truth.confessionizer.com/
You used to be able to read everyone's truly sick and twisted confessions without having to post your own but they have changed it. Also similar to Post Secret. Problem with the confessions on here is that we are not anonymous, so probably less inclined to really cut loose.
Anyway, a few years ago I was flying back from a cycling trip in India and I had too much to drink on the plane and really urgently needed to take a piss. All the toilets had a queue of at least 10 people and I thought my bladder was going to explode. I got so desperate that I covered myself with a travel blanket and pissed into one of those half-sized wine bottles. Needless to say the volume wasn't sufficient to accomodate my needs so once the bottle filled to capacity I just keep on urinating and saturated my jeans. The guy sitting next to me gave me funny looks as I was jiggling around under the blanket and I walked off the plane with piss-sodden trousers. It was actually quite a liberating experience.
http://truth.confessionizer.com/
You used to be able to read everyone's truly sick and twisted confessions without having to post your own but they have changed it. Also similar to Post Secret. Problem with the confessions on here is that we are not anonymous, so probably less inclined to really cut loose.
Anyway, a few years ago I was flying back from a cycling trip in India and I had too much to drink on the plane and really urgently needed to take a piss. All the toilets had a queue of at least 10 people and I thought my bladder was going to explode. I got so desperate that I covered myself with a travel blanket and pissed into one of those half-sized wine bottles. Needless to say the volume wasn't sufficient to accomodate my needs so once the bottle filled to capacity I just keep on urinating and saturated my jeans. The guy sitting next to me gave me funny looks as I was jiggling around under the blanket and I walked off the plane with piss-sodden trousers. It was actually quite a liberating experience.
We have a problem. I know the person who killed Laura Palmer and I know you aren't him.
-I've had intimate moments with a celebrity..........in an elevator!
-I've urinated on a Police car. Did get caught but did not stop pissing.
-I was the one who launched the full wheelie bin over the 150m dam wall causing all sorts of mayhem!
-I did add 20 seconds to a bloke's time at a club round because he's a cockhead and jumped the start by half a second. Cockhead.
-I did launch a cake of soap from a resort in the Gold Coast into a pool twelve stories below an injure a celebrity. I did not own up to it when investigated later. He was a tool!
-I celebrated my seventeenth Birthday at 11pm at a local pub with the bar staff shouting me drinks all night.
-I lived next door to jimmy Barnes and did break a pot full of roses when I was little by hurling a soccer ball at it over the fence. I've hated that arsehole since that day!
-Did egg Jimmy Barnes' car.
-Did push a large trophy weighing about forty kilograms from a display area above two flights of stairs and watch it catapult through the adjoining glass doors at the bottom of the stairs. Had the Police have known that was me that night they would've held me for two nights instead of the one for pissing on their car.
-Did enter a friend's car in a club rally under his name and claim the podium place to get ahead in the points of the series. The plan folded in the third round when the repeat entrants realised the same guy wasn't driving the car in round two and three of the same series. He paid the fine.
-Did enter the Crown complex at the same time as The Rock and his security entourage and stay with them under the perception that because I am as big as the team I was part of it. The plan folded when it came time to show ID. To say I was intimidated by being stared at by that group of dudes is an understatement. I did however, successfully court a lady that evening who was in the foyer to see The Rock and she assumed I was "with the band".
kgunzer
Likes Dirt
before I got my current job...
I was heading for an interview on the 28th floor in Sydney CBD. The elevator was full of dressed people and it made me so nervous, I farted a super stinker on the 5th floor. The elevator didn't stop until the 26th floor and everyone had to step out. A lot of the guys were laughing their asses off and I just played along acting as if it wasn't me.
I didn't get the job. The boss was there,and she was gas...ping.
I was heading for an interview on the 28th floor in Sydney CBD. The elevator was full of dressed people and it made me so nervous, I farted a super stinker on the 5th floor. The elevator didn't stop until the 26th floor and everyone had to step out. A lot of the guys were laughing their asses off and I just played along acting as if it wasn't me.
I didn't get the job. The boss was there,and she was gas...ping.
LQQK
Likes Bikes
When I was a first year apprentice gardener me and the other 1st year apprentice decided to take the brand new JCB front end loader for a drive when everyone else was out of the depot. All went fine until we had to turn the thing off, we didn’t know you had to pull the lever under the steering wheel.
I had the bright idea of pointing the bucket into the ground and just dumping the clutch to stall it. Problem was we were in 1st gear low range and it wouldn’t stall, we ended up taking a big chunk out of the car park. Once we worked out how to stop it (with the lever) we parked the tractor over the damage. We never spoke of it again.
Me and the same apprentice went to the tip in a work ute, instead of unloading it by hand, he had the bright idea to just reverse as fast as he can then slam the brakes on and let everything slide off the back. We were on mud, so when he hit the brakes we didn’t stop but slid backwards into a pile of concrete rubble smashing the tail lights and a put a hell if a dint in the tail gate. We never spoke of it again.
I had the bright idea of pointing the bucket into the ground and just dumping the clutch to stall it. Problem was we were in 1st gear low range and it wouldn’t stall, we ended up taking a big chunk out of the car park. Once we worked out how to stop it (with the lever) we parked the tractor over the damage. We never spoke of it again.
Me and the same apprentice went to the tip in a work ute, instead of unloading it by hand, he had the bright idea to just reverse as fast as he can then slam the brakes on and let everything slide off the back. We were on mud, so when he hit the brakes we didn’t stop but slid backwards into a pile of concrete rubble smashing the tail lights and a put a hell if a dint in the tail gate. We never spoke of it again.
harmonix1234
Eats Squid
I once set off fireworks in the computer lab in high school. Got suspended.
I lost my virginity to my Mums best mate. They aren't mates any more.
A friend and I started a grassfire playing with matches as kids (about 6 years old). It was on the news and all. Nobody was hurt.
I found a packet of 303 bullets and worked out that you could 'BOOM' them by dropping a big rock on them. So my friend and I set off about a dozen cartridges by laying them down in the driveway and dropping big bluestone rocks on them. The cops came. After the grassfire, and the bullets, he wasn't allowed to play with me any more.
I hid my brothers machine men toy because I wanted it, and couldn't have it. He cried, but never found out it was me.
I once poo'd in a bucket and put a skink in the bucket to see what it would do. Trying to coerce it into the poo with a stick didn't help either. He escaped.
Drunk and teenaged, we found a car wheel in a car park, not a tyre, a whole wheel and me and my mates rolled it down Elizabeth Street in the Hobart CBD and it went through a shop front window and took out the whole display.
My brother got bullied real bad in his job, and the boss was a real asshole, so (drunk again) one Saturday night when walking home I went past the shop and I urinated through the shops letter box flap in the front door all over their nice maroon carpet.
I remember chatting to my brother a few days later and he said 'You wouldn't believe it, some asshole pissed all over our new carpet on the weekend and when we got to work on Monday the boss made me clean it up". Sorry Bro.
I lost my virginity to my Mums best mate. They aren't mates any more.
A friend and I started a grassfire playing with matches as kids (about 6 years old). It was on the news and all. Nobody was hurt.
I found a packet of 303 bullets and worked out that you could 'BOOM' them by dropping a big rock on them. So my friend and I set off about a dozen cartridges by laying them down in the driveway and dropping big bluestone rocks on them. The cops came. After the grassfire, and the bullets, he wasn't allowed to play with me any more.
I hid my brothers machine men toy because I wanted it, and couldn't have it. He cried, but never found out it was me.
I once poo'd in a bucket and put a skink in the bucket to see what it would do. Trying to coerce it into the poo with a stick didn't help either. He escaped.
Drunk and teenaged, we found a car wheel in a car park, not a tyre, a whole wheel and me and my mates rolled it down Elizabeth Street in the Hobart CBD and it went through a shop front window and took out the whole display.
My brother got bullied real bad in his job, and the boss was a real asshole, so (drunk again) one Saturday night when walking home I went past the shop and I urinated through the shops letter box flap in the front door all over their nice maroon carpet.
I remember chatting to my brother a few days later and he said 'You wouldn't believe it, some asshole pissed all over our new carpet on the weekend and when we got to work on Monday the boss made me clean it up". Sorry Bro.
rone
Eats Squid
I ate Azaria Chamberlain.
workmx
Banned
I helped Chinese submariners kidnap Harold Holt.
Norco Maniac
Is back!
gawd i hope it wasn't Jimmy.
i have too - not in an elevator - but it was laughable because he was so high on coke that he couldn't, um, perform.
i got so pissed off at a cheating BF that i poured underbody goo all over his show car. his squeeze later came to me crying that he'd cheated on *her* because he was so upset. i didn't tell her i was the culprit...
MasterOfReality
After forever
Hahah I got a laugh out of that one.
In 2nd grade I got lunch detention but the teacher wouldn't let me out for a piss. I was absolutely busting. She walked out to go to the staff room and I quickly relieved myself behind the bookcase, all over the carpet. Never got busted for that.
I have farted in the elevator heading down to ground. It sneaked out on the 2nd floor and I was thinking 'chances are someone gets in at 1 are slim'. Not that day. And I was the only one in there when the doors opened and a hot girl walked it.
Was at Bankstown square when I was about 8 and was watching an indian lady trying on some shoes. She went to sit down on some really low stool and I casually walked past and deftly hooked it out from under her with my foot. She rolled backwards, sort of reminded me when you roll a wheel of cheese, sari going everywhere too. I was trying to stifle my laugh and my mum goes 'did you do that?!'. I replied 'err no' but the indian lady got it with 'yeah he did'. Wham, I copped one of the the biggest smacks in the face for that one. And then I copped another hiding in the car. Never did that again.
Nerf Herder
Wheel size expert
was it with Jimmy ?? :nono: :kiss: ... :help:
*edit ... just saw above from NM ... great minds
Hehehee, nah. The female celebrity has a good set of lungs that make good sounds. Barnes doesn't...........his singing sounds like the last bit of water emptying from the bathtub.
Matt H
Eats Squid
This will be a lot funnier if you're from or have lived in townsville.
I was at a VP60 event of some sort with my grandparents at the local theatre about 7 or 8 years ago. At the end of the night all the old vets were throwing streamers in the air and onto the stage. The local radio git, pricey, was on stage so I made sure my roll of streamer wouldn't unravel, and hurled it straight at the bastard. Clocked him right in the eye.
I was at a VP60 event of some sort with my grandparents at the local theatre about 7 or 8 years ago. At the end of the night all the old vets were throwing streamers in the air and onto the stage. The local radio git, pricey, was on stage so I made sure my roll of streamer wouldn't unravel, and hurled it straight at the bastard. Clocked him right in the eye.
So many to choose from but a couple of my favourites:
Years ago at one of the sites my boss was a complete arsehole. Used to find fault with everything I did yet let others who really needed a kick up the slats go free. He too was far from blameless but that as they say is another story. So I arranged with a friend who was a cat breeder to collect the unneutered male cat piss from their special litter trays (it was not absorbed for some reason that I have long forgotten). I would daily pour a little, or a lot, down the scuttle vents on his Camry Ultima thing. As said boss was living in a motel the first place to complain was the management of that establishment. A few quiet chats with the staff, then letters to the management, then letters of demand and so on. Cat traps, Cat catchers etc etc, it never ended. Then the council got involved. And we were all treated to the latest in his efforts to rid his car of stray cat piss! And still the cat piss smell continued. For some reason. Only lasted for 3 years until he left the site. Prick!
One of my work colleagues was trying desperately to appear disinterested in a girl who worked for one of the subbies. He was of course interested but only in a fleeting way. Finally after much hesitation he asked her out. The next day I arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to the girl with "Thank you for a wonderful evening". She was smitten. He was subsequently hooked. Game over. They have been married for about 20 years now. And if he knew it was me that arranged the flowers I would be dead meat!
Years ago at one of the sites my boss was a complete arsehole. Used to find fault with everything I did yet let others who really needed a kick up the slats go free. He too was far from blameless but that as they say is another story. So I arranged with a friend who was a cat breeder to collect the unneutered male cat piss from their special litter trays (it was not absorbed for some reason that I have long forgotten). I would daily pour a little, or a lot, down the scuttle vents on his Camry Ultima thing. As said boss was living in a motel the first place to complain was the management of that establishment. A few quiet chats with the staff, then letters to the management, then letters of demand and so on. Cat traps, Cat catchers etc etc, it never ended. Then the council got involved. And we were all treated to the latest in his efforts to rid his car of stray cat piss! And still the cat piss smell continued. For some reason. Only lasted for 3 years until he left the site. Prick!
One of my work colleagues was trying desperately to appear disinterested in a girl who worked for one of the subbies. He was of course interested but only in a fleeting way. Finally after much hesitation he asked her out. The next day I arranged for a bouquet of flowers to be sent to the girl with "Thank you for a wonderful evening". She was smitten. He was subsequently hooked. Game over. They have been married for about 20 years now. And if he knew it was me that arranged the flowers I would be dead meat!
Elbo
pesky scooter kids git off ma lawn
I remember reading in another thread that someone was once stuck in an elevator with Nicole Kidman… I thought I made a connection, but then you said good set of lungs…
sam705
Likes Dirt
I showed up to a 'sparkly' themed house party in a bear suit when i was 18. Throughout the night i somehow didn't urinate once, and got that drunk i passed out on some mattress i found outside. Woke up a few hours later to a wet crotch and a massive piss circle strained into the mattress. Still drunk, i stumbled out of the party to my mates ute, grabbed my swag and trekked 5km to my mates house...in a piss soaked bear suit.
I returned that bear suit to the hire shop, they pulled it out of the bag, gave it a once over and handed over my $50 bond.
Thanks for comin, costume shop!
I returned that bear suit to the hire shop, they pulled it out of the bag, gave it a once over and handed over my $50 bond.
Thanks for comin, costume shop!
Elbo
pesky scooter kids git off ma lawn
When I was a young teenager, I stacked my skateboard and knackered myself pretty badly, I could hardly walk the next day so I got my dad to take me to the hospital where a hot nurse gave my balls an ultrasound. Needless to say, I was standing to attention as my balls were fondled by the 20 something year old nurse. The next day I felt almost back to normal, but I convinced them I needed another ultrasound so I could go back for more… second time; guy nurse 
out:
My confession… I only ever tell the first part of that story.
out:My confession… I only ever tell the first part of that story.
SprocketFury
Likes Bikes
It wasn't the dog.
It was me.
It was me.