My latest housemate was a bad boyfriend but a worse housemate. I'm focusing on the housematey things but it's also long.
I lived for 6 months in this freaking dump of a place, paid way too much for it, but there was room for my dog and we were in an urgent situation so I dealt with it. Diva (short for Diva Dan because he was just
such a drama queen) was supposed to be living with his parents but spent most of his time at my place. He managed to live with me rent-free and bill-free and ate all my food and drank all my beer. The beer I was especially pissed about as I had been collecting bottles from work at a brewery as knock-off drinks for about 6 months, and I was saving it all for new years. The fridge was damn near FULL with assorted stubbies. Diva said he'd replace it, and never did. He also never did housework. On one occasion he promised to do the dishes, so I held him to it. A week later I was txting him asking him when he'd do the dishes. He offered me money instead and I told him I'd take it but he still needed to do the dishes. When he got home that evening the dishes took him an entire 30 minutes to do while I sarcastically applauded his efforts. He spent his time smoking cigarettes and playing PS3 on his lovely flatscreen TV.
I put up with him because... probably boredom, his PS3, and being an incredibly sweet and tolerant person.
Once the lease was up on that hellhole, Diva and I escaped to my current place. He co-signed the lease and bond agreement, etc. He paid rent here, mostly paid his share of bills, but he was still a lazy shit who never contributed to groceries or housework. Now this house is nice. It had brand new carpet and paint when we moved in. We agreed we weren't going to smoke inside, it was too nice, it wasn't fair to the pets (two or three rats who need decent air to breathe goodly & aforementioned dog) and I was trying to quit anyhow. I had to get on his case about helping me unpack. I lectured him one day before I went to work, came back to find he'd actually unpacked the boxes that had been sitting in the kitchen for nearly two weeks since we'd moved in.
One night I came home from work to find the house smelled like cigarette smoke. I had long ago stopped announcing my return and would just come home hoping to find Diva being an idiot and this night he delivered. Diva said that he was smoking outside with the back door open, and the dog bolted back inside after a mouse and he forgot to put his cigarette down when he ran inside after the dog. Big sighthound mutt barging back into the house because he saw something small and fast in the next room - yeah, that's not one of those occasions you OMGchase the dog inside, even IF he was telling the truth. And, really, don't implicate MY DOG in your lies, you bag of dicks!
It's established by now that Diva has the IQ of a potato.
I was going out on the town one evening, and I was looking for my camera. I thought I saw it around the TV area in the lounge. I looked under the TV cabinet and pulled out a glass juice bottle filled with cigarette butts. That finally explained why the dog stank and coughed his guts up, and why my rats were sick with respitory distress. Diva incurred the wrath and was instructed to get out ASAP, find a new place immediately, we are finished. He tried to tell me it was old and I asked him, when we had specifically agreed we weren't going to smoke inside, how an "old" bottle of butts wound up inside our new house hidden under the TV cabinet. Besides, he was too stupid to take the label off of it, and I remembered that particular flavour from a day a few weeks prior, because neither of us liked it so I'd tipped out and put into recycling.
He moved back in with his parents about two weeks after that incident, but not before spewing insults at me. He left all of his posessions behind in my garage and made excuses like he "couldn't get [his] brother in law's trailer" or was "too busy" despite his one part-time job. After about 2 weeks of that crap I told him it would go the same way as the last ex/housemate's stuff (never returned for it so it got sold to pay the bills he owed money on, had some very happy customerfriends) unless he paid me a weekly amount to keep his shit at my place. My garage magically emptied itself out within 24 hours! Small shame, I'd already lined up buyers for a few of his things, such as his stupid Nerf gun collection.
Diva still hasn't paid the $500/whatever it was in his share of bills he owes, tried but failed to screw me over with the bond on the house, and threatened me with court action which a year later hasn't happened yet. I can't even remember what that was for. He only lived here between the start of May and the end of July, last year.
The last I heard from that particular ex-housemate, was that he was foolishly telling people (in a small town) he was going to steal my dog.
I made sure it got back to him that if he so much as considered going through with his incredibly brainless idea, his body would never be located. :nono:
As I suspected, he wasn't stupid enough to attempt to steal my dog. That, or he was too lazy.
tl;dr:
:Banane24:
(the dog features heavily, but he is a fantastic housemate. here's
dog rocking the monocle, and
dog being serious.)