shake_rattle_and_ roll
Pumpin'
When I was living in HK years ago, as part of a mainland trip I decided to jump on a flight out of Harbin into Russia so I could ride part of the Trans-Siberian railway between Irkutsk & Vladivostok. The things I saw being done in vehicles over there was simply out of this world. Likewise the culture of alcohol, in particular homemade alcohol, had me completely caught off guard with moonshining being ridiculously commonplace throughout eastern Russia- the US has got nothing on these guys. In many regional centers it even functions as a currency, well beyond serving as a winter well-warmer, rubbing alcohol, disinfectant, fuel or sure-fire way of permanently sorting out your glaucoma.
By my 4th or 5th car trip (& after a particularly horrendous case of me embracing the local's hospitality) in what we'd conventionally call a "taxi service" the penny finally dropped that the recurring scent I'd experienced between vehicles was not actually a Russian commercial surface disinfectant, but rather Russia's institutionalised & home stilled White Lightening- problem with that scenario is that you're then genuinely unable to determine whether its application has been to the Lada's vinyl seats & interior surfaces or the driver himself. You'll generally know within the first gear shift, corner or overtaking maneuver. In the cases where there's a distinct absence of a functioning heater in said Ladas, then it's advised that one presume the driver is loaded on Mother Russia. Rest assured that in those instances, whatever happens, you'll get to wherever you're meant to be in life in a few blinks.
My appreciation for the lethal combination of weird AF driving, decrepit cars & DUI in Russia came about in Ulan Ude. After dinner one evening my traveling buddy & I hailed down one of the many "unofficial" driver services that operate. The cheery red-faced driver haphazardly u-turned across the oncoming traffic, gently scrubbing to a stalling halt in front of us. I was pleasantly surprised by the chap's enthusiasm as he held open the rear passenger door to his humble bundle, ushering us in with an almost giddy smile. The creaking lop-sided swing of the closing door should've been the giveaway long before the driver's contortions at trying to close it, or the fact that my eyes were beginning to water not from cold but from the alcohol vapors in the car. In exactly the same fashion as he wheeled in we were off & away, wheeling out across the traffic & heading in the WRONG to direction to where we needed to go. Fortunately the universe was looking out for us because the trip came to an almost immediate & abrupt halt. Upon lurching out from the curb under much revs & clutch riding, with considerable body roll the little car completed its slow & lazy arc across the 4 lane road. At the peak of the maneuver naturally the problematic door has flung wide open & it became apparent that we'd chosen a complete death trap to get back to our digs in. Unfazed or unaware that the door's flung out & nearly sheered itself from the hinges, the driver has by this stage completed a 230deg turn & we're now pointing back across our inside lane & threatening to take out more traffic. Gunned at full revs an enthusiastic flick of the wrist had the car's rolling mass brought hard back around, causing not only the door to be slammed back into the frame at mach 1, but this time sheering it off altogether & there being a distinct cracking/popping sensation through the vehicle as though the body was letting go from the chassis or worse. With deadpan casualness the drivers pulled back to the curbside & leapt out, belligerently running the 30m back up the road to retrieve his door while the car dieseled to a halt with us in the back seat, open to the elements & in disbelief at what just happened. Needless to say we go out of the car & opted for spending the extra rubles on a legit ride back. Funniest/scariest part was not watching old mate drive off with a wave of the hand & rear door stuffed across the backseat, but watching the angle in which the car disappeared into the night when he left- whatever he'd done to the car had resulted in either cracking the chassis altogether or doing something to the rear axle assembly, because the car left in a straight line but the rear axle was all stepped out to the left & the body on an odd angle to the direction it was traveling.
Only in Russia...
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