The New Dad thread

[Knuckles]

I buy both my kids boy shit, both the son and daughter. Need to balance out all the airy fairy shit their mother spoon feeds them. The 2yo girl is tough as nails, regularly gives her 6yo brother a flogging. I stage cage matches in the trampoline when the wife is out.

 

[Jill went riding]

A question for the dads...

I'm pretty sure my hubby is having an A grade spastic attack. He is overseas on a holiday by himself but refuses to contact me or find out how our baby is doing. There is no lack of communcation facilities where he is - he simply refuses to call or email. I think (actually I'm pretty sure) he is pretenting he is single again and does not want to know us.

Here is the kicker: I'm pregnant again and looking after our baby by myself, while he has his holiday.

Obviously I am a bit upset and angry. Being blokes, how would you approach this? If I didn't have a child(ren) I would dump him immediately, however that is not prudent at this time. Sigh.

 

[dunndog]

Haha.. well, I'd do what he is doing and deal with it when I get home. :tsk:
But seriously, I'd be calling home every day, especially if my wife was pregnant. I think you should change the locks and put security out the front, and when he calls or texts you don't answer. :drama:

 

[harmonix1234]

A question for the dads...

I'm pretty sure my hubby is having an A grade spastic attack. He is overseas on a holiday by himself but refuses to contact me or find out how our baby is doing. There is no lack of communcation facilities where he is - he simply refuses to call or email. I think (actually I'm pretty sure) he is pretenting he is single again and does not want to know us.

Here is the kicker: I'm pregnant again and looking after our baby by myself, while he has his holiday.

Obviously I am a bit upset and angry. Being blokes, how would you approach this? If I didn't have a child(ren) I would dump him immediately, however that is not prudent at this time. Sigh.

Poor form.
Be straight up in a txt. He may not answer the phone when you ring but I guarantee you he will read his texts.
Straight up, no games, no BS. "Your'e acting like a dick. Grow up, and be responsible. All I ask is that you call me, let me and your child know that you are safe. It's what a good husband and Father does".
There is no excuse. If he lost his phone, he could still contact you. If they had no phone coverage, he could flick you an email from somewhere. It's not hard.

If that fails and you don't get a response, scare him.
Send a text saying "At hospital", when he calls in a panic just tell him "Did I say hospital? Oh sorry, I meant to type 'At the shops. Damn predictive text'"

By the way - Never take my advice. I am a professional bridge burner.

Seriously though, let him know it's not cool to act like this.

 

[bikeyoulongtime]

A question for the dads...

I'm pretty sure my hubby is having an A grade spastic attack. He is overseas on a holiday by himself but refuses to contact me or find out how our baby is doing. There is no lack of communcation facilities where he is - he simply refuses to call or email. I think (actually I'm pretty sure) he is pretenting he is single again and does not want to know us.

Here is the kicker: I'm pregnant again and looking after our baby by myself, while he has his holiday.

Obviously I am a bit upset and angry. Being blokes, how would you approach this? If I didn't have a child(ren) I would dump him immediately, however that is not prudent at this time. Sigh.

disclaimer: I struggle with parenthood, even 4 years later I'm still in the 'holy fuck I've got kids now?' stage:

how many days since the last call? how long is the holiday? from a man-spective I'd see it as totally cool to be out of contact for a couple of days, or up to a week if there was no comms in the region (eg out camping). It doesn't mean I don't care, or I'm pretending to be single - I'm taking some man time and will return to the family a refreshed human being ready to take on the mantle of being a dad and husband again. It's good form to warn my family that I'll be out of contact for days at a time - but its an easy oversight.

send a callout/txt to say you need to hear from him, you're concerned about his state of mind, and that you are also needing some attention.

I hope you get a positive response! Its a tough time being alone with kids, and worried about a partner for any length of time.

 

[freddofrog]

A question for the dads...

I'm pretty sure my hubby is having an A grade spastic attack. He is overseas on a holiday by himself but refuses to contact me or find out how our baby is doing. There is no lack of communcation facilities where he is - he simply refuses to call or email. I think (actually I'm pretty sure) he is pretenting he is single again and does not want to know us.

Here is the kicker: I'm pregnant again and looking after our baby by myself, while he has his holiday.

Obviously I am a bit upset and angry. Being blokes, how would you approach this? If I didn't have a child(ren) I would dump him immediately, however that is not prudent at this time. Sigh.

Ok, I'm going to be a bit blunt so brace yourself. It's not all about you. Or the kids for that matter. Do you even know what he's going through? Sounds like you dont even care. You just want him home to deal with family shite.

I'm not defending his actions but if you dont know why he's acting like this, how can you hope to resolve it?

And if you now consciously decide you dont care what he's going through and he should just "man up", then you have issues too.

S. Freud

 

[wilddemon]

^ yeah. Without knowing what the issue is its hard to know whether his response is rational or not. I wouldn't do it personally but we are all individuals with different relationships and different needs. Did you take his KOMs?

 

[moorey]

He still sounds like a dick if he hasn't tried to talk to you about it. That said, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you have tried to talk to him about his sandy vagina.

Im not saying its anyone's actual fault, but sounds like this is going nowhere fast. You sound like you only want him for temporary security, which he isn't giving you anyway. If his paternal instincts aren't strong enough to want to do the right thing by his child (irrespective of what happened/s between you two), I say you're better off without him.

All this is based on you being honest in your post, but there's 2 sides to every story. I have a feeling there is a lot you haven't told us (and we don't need to know), and if so, maybe you just have to ride it out if you want him in your kids life. If you only want him as someone to support you, fuck that shit, it's going to end messy for all, especially the kids.

 

[Jill went riding]

Thanks for the input guys. It has been helpful to take a big breath. A really really big one.

I figure that something is going down. I'm not unsupportive which is why his behaviour is bewildering. Although it is incredibly difficult to help when the other person does not communicate. (Rhetorical: Why do guys do this? Isn't unpleasant to remain in an unsettled state? Why don't you ask for help?)

Yeah I get that he might be freaking out about being a parent - but the parenting gig is not hard for us. We have won the baby lottery: a toddler who has no behavioural/health issues and sleeps soundly through the night with ample family support and we're rather financially secure. My man also can get out for a ride or whatever on the weekends or any week night. He is free to go away for whole weekends. He is not trapped. Far from it.

If he had just to me before leaving on his holiday that he needed some head space, then he could have had it (or at any time really). I'd be fine not hearing from him. But then he pulls this bs -his short text comment was "I am maximising my holiday". Arrrgh. Its like you try your best not crowd a man and then they take the piss. I'm not some aquaintance - I am his goddamn wife of 10 years! I do care! Obviously my approach is not right and some other strategy will need to be found.

So (deep breath) he comes back in a few days. I plan to (hopefully) to get over my hurt and anger and sort something out, because whoever said it was right: it is not about me. Taking that road will only lead to splitsville.

 

[dolphinman]

My man also can get out for a ride or whatever on the weekends or any week night. He is free to go away for whole weekends. He is not trapped. Far from it.

You sound alright to me.

 

[24alpha]

My man also can get out for a ride or whatever on the weekends or any week night. He is free to go away for whole weekends. He is not trapped. Far from it.

If it doesn't work out, I reckon there will be dozens of blokes on here ready to step in with this comment........I might have to send this one to my wife for evidence!!!!

 

[wilddemon]

Maybe he just hasn't grown up yet? These kids are just taking your attention away from him and he is having a tantrum / silent treatment?

 

[moorey]

Maybe we are reading to much into a one sided version of the story? Just saying is all.
I know that when the wife and I have the occasional barney, our accounts of what happened and why bear non resemblance :drama:
I could happily not speak to my wife for a week after a blowup.....but theres no way I could go a day without seeing/speaking to my kids.

No offence to the OP, but we have no history on you, as your only post ever made are on this issue.

 

[Knuckles]

I could happily not speak to my wife for a week after a blowup.....but theres no way I could go a day without seeing/speaking to my kids.

This. Could happily wrap my wife up, slap some stamps on her and pray that AusPost lose her sometimes. However, to go more than a day without seeing the squids kills me. Seems some priorities need to be sorted out.

 

[Jill went riding]

No offence to the OP, but we have no history on you, as your only post ever made are on this issue.

I'm on here but by another name. So is he.

He has a google alert set up and I wanted some anonymity. I also wanted a guys approach, to see what could be happening - no point talking to my mothers group!

 

[C0na]

I'm on here but by another name. So is he.

He has a google alert set up and I wanted some anonymity. I also wanted a guys approach, to see what could be happening - no point talking to my mothers group!

From what you are saying, It sounds like your husband had flipped out a little. TBH I have almost done the same, however the lack of contact is not reasonable, especially when there are kids involved. He may not seem trapped in the overall sense, however there could be other triggers. Such as the a constant day in day out roundabout routine (this was my biggest problem). Lack of spontaneity in his/your lifestyle (this may explain why he decided to go on a trip). If it is he went about it the wrong way...... There could be so many other reasons/sides to the story however.....

 

[moorey]

I'm on here but by another name. So is he.

He has a google alert set up and I wanted some anonymity. I also wanted a guys approach, to see what could be happening - no point talking to my mothers group!

No worries, sorry 'Jill'. I, like most people, have friends (couples) that are mutual to myself and my wife. Then something has happened to them, the woman has gone and told my wife a story about that went down, and the husband runs and tells me. I swear, they are usually not even in the same library, let alone on the same page. Not saying either is right or wrong, just that perceptions, observations and judgements differ.
I don't know what he's up to or why, none of us do, but I suspect that he is doing something that most guys think about doing fairly often, but calm down, think about it, and never act on it.

 

[wilddemon]

Your husband isn't mywifeisirrational is he?

 

[freddofrog]

.....Did you take his KOMs?

Haha, that's pretty funny.... :smile:

 

[freddofrog]

Married 10yrs huh, sounds like he could be heading for mid-life crisis, watch out for classic signs, new bike, car, boat etc, basically things to make him feel young again. So his issues may have nothing to do with you or the kids at all.

Have you ever read “Languages of love” by Gary Chapman? http://www.5lovelanguages.com . Sounds like you are trying to be supportive but if he prefers support in another way, what you’re doing isn’t actually helping. Chapman’s idea is how one person expresses love and how the partner perceives it can be entirely different.

And he may not want to talk to you about it cause he’ll appear less of a man to you. Just a thought….

S. Freud