Black Dogs and mental shit in general

Even though I am deep in the shitfight with kids, I feel like it is something that must grow on you over time - Like Type 2 fun.
I hope like hell it does.

I could count on one hand the things I enjoy about parenting but I can tell you a million reasons I don't enjoy it.
 
Hey Mate,
If you don't have any luck with the professional services, its pretty daunting and sometimes can be a very stale environment, there are other groups around where you can just turn up, say something, don't say something and so on like this?

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www.buildabrotherhood.com www.buildabrotherhood.com

I volunteer for a charity and we have a lot of people who just come out of the house to volunteer/have a chat, its non clinical and can sometimes be good just to talk random stories, listen to other people tell tales of woe or have a laugh and it gets you out of the house.
 
Asininedrivel said:
Still don't really get the kids thing. They're meant to be the greatest thing ever / what you're meant to spend your whole life gearing towards (especially if you're female). Also they're amazing and the best thing that's ever ever happened to you and you're never allowed to admit that maybe sometimes on occasion you don't like them all that much or you're a monster. Also our big expensive capital cities and their commute times just seem to be deliberately geared towards keeping working parents frazzled, time poor, generally poor and constantly sleep deprived.
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It's a bit luck of the draw. But yeah modern life with parenting is a complete cluster fuck. Childcare is like treading water making no progress whatsoever and then people think what is the point in the first place. WFH is a welcome relief even if it means seeing your kid 2 hours in the morning and after work. It's a good balance compared to seeing them only when it's dark....
 
I totally get how hard parenting is. And we only have one so it's definitely easier for us.
But I just want to offer another perspective (not to take away from other's struggles).

I love being a parent and I love spending time with my kid. Yes it can be hard sometimes but all I ever really want to do is spend time with my kid.
I am lucky (WFH and missus works part time) as I do get lots of time for myself, I know not everyone has the same.

Anyway - I hope everyone who is struggling finds a better space - it's been a rough year for a lot of people for sure.
 
Sorry to hear your struggles @Rorschach (and others). Don’t beat yourself up over what you’re going through, and don’t dismiss it. Most of us have been there, it’s just still something most blokes seem to be in denial about and refuse to address.
I’ve spoken a bit on here about my previous struggles with the dog and crippling anxiety, and adapting my lifestyle and learning coping mechanisms has kept it pretty much at bay since weening off the meds about 8 years ago. That said, it never fully leaves you, and for me, just accepting that helps me not dwell on it. I had an anxiety attack a few weeks ago out of the blue, and over a trivial matter....and it scared the shit outta me that it was going to repeat, but thankfully hasn’t...
Take advise/support from loved ones and professionals. Learn your triggers and do your best to manage/negate those. There doesn’t need to be a ‘rational’ reason for all this, that’s what makes it so scary and difficult to accept, but hang in there and keep talking about it.
My2c, there is no correct response unfortunately.
 
Asininedrivel said:
I never messed with my parents until I was an obnoxious hormonal teenager. They were terrifying when pissed off.

Still don't really get the kids thing. They're meant to be the greatest thing ever / what you're meant to spend your whole life gearing towards (especially if you're female). Also they're amazing and the best thing that's ever ever happened to you and you're never allowed to admit that maybe sometimes on occasion you don't like them all that much or you're a monster. Also our big expensive capital cities and their commute times just seem to be deliberately geared towards keeping working parents frazzled, time poor, generally poor and constantly sleep deprived.

All coming from someone with no kids so it's entirely possible I have nfi what I'm on about, but it's just what I've observed.
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You wouldnt understand.

Apparently... :)
 
Thanks everyone for your comments and support, means a lot to me when I don't have a huge support network outside my wife with my family being back in the UK
I spent a lot of time yesterday evening feeling like a fraud, and despite being really emotionally drained I couldn't sleep - ending up reading til gone 12 and then woke up like a zombie at 6 when my alarm went off. Haven't had a full uninterrupted nights sleep in god knows how long.
Will get in touch with the psych today and book something in. A busy day in the office so hopefully keeps my mind off things
 
Rorschach said:
Thanks everyone for your comments and support, means a lot to me when I don't have a huge support network outside my wife with my family being back in the UK
I spent a lot of time yesterday evening feeling like a fraud, and despite being really emotionally drained I couldn't sleep - ending up reading til gone 12 and then woke up like a zombie at 6 when my alarm went off. Haven't had a full uninterrupted nights sleep in god knows how long.
Will get in touch with the psych today and book something in. A busy day in the office so hopefully keeps my mind off things
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Not so easy with young kids, but these days, I try to tire myself right out to help me sleep and stop overthinking things. I also also sleep with earbuds in, listening to something entertaining enough to distract me, but not entertaining enough to engage me.
Exercise was my best coping method even when kids were younger..that coupled with healthier eating choices...but seeing the doc and taking the meds at the time were crucial for me.
 
I have trouble getting to sleep a fair bit. My wife just says "goodnight" and 1min later she's snoring away while I'm thinking of things I have to do, club and work stuff. It can take hours to get to sleep sometimes.
Something that helps me sleep is listing to ASMR on YouTube. I stick my earbuds in, and listen to some sounds that I can concentrate on, it works most of the time.
I find the sounds that move from ear to ear really help me block out the thoughts in my mind.
 
Rorschach said:
Thanks guys...
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Huge props to you for reaching out! For some people that is an incredibly tough thing to do and some never find the strength to do it, just look back at post number 2 of this thread to see how close this is to Rotorburn.

Something that has really helped me is learning and understanding how we operate emotionally, I've needed a lot of help to make progress on this but I'm in a far better place now than I was 4-5 years ago. What you describe really resonates with what I was going through. I had progressed to seeking ways to deal with my problems that weren't healthy, my life very nearly fell apart as a result.

I'd like to offer something more than encouragement that might help if it happens to gel with your way of thinking (everyone's different) so here is a little flow chart that helps me begin to understand what's driving my behavior and emotion:
Behavior <--> Emotion <--> Belief (thought) <--> Origin (event/experience) <--> Process the origin emotion (often realizing that the belief that arose from the origin event about ourselves is false... this is the tricky bit for me)

I try to notice what's going on without shutting down the emotion, the goal is to not let judgement creep in.
It helps me understand and tolerate the behaviors of others too!

Sounds like your wife really wants you around if she's asking you to reach out. So that's a big plus!

I hope you can find someone to chat to that gels with you. Like others here have said, it might take a few tries to find the right professional for you.

Good luck man!
 
moorey said:
Not so easy with young kids, but these days, I try to tire myself right out to help me sleep and stop overthinking things. I also also sleep with earbuds in, listening to something entertaining enough to distract me, but not entertaining enough to engage me.
Exercise was my best coping method even when kids were younger..that coupled with healthier eating choices...but seeing the doc and taking the meds at the time were crucial for me.
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I'm a side sleeper, so ear buds are really uncomfortable for me to sleep in. Tried white noise on a speaker in the room a while ago, but didn't do too much for me.

Exercise is something I did in the evenings before 1 came along, I used to hit the gym at 8 for a group fitness class for 45 minutes, that worked intermittently. I've also tried running and going for a walk in the evenings, but honestly I feel so worn out at the end of the day I can't be bothered - getting home from work I don't normally sit down til 730 but the time I've helped with 1, and done all the dishes etc. I'm not a morning person and the little fella gets up at 6, so not a lot of time in the mornings either. Work is too far for me to ride (~25km each way), but been looking at a few other things to get out and about
 
Rorschach said:
I'm a side sleeper, so ear buds are really uncomfortable for me to sleep in. Tried white noise on a speaker in the room a while ago, but didn't do too much for me.

Exercise is something I did in the evenings before 1 came along, I used to hit the gym at 8 for a group fitness class for 45 minutes, that worked intermittently. I've also tried running and going for a walk in the evenings, but honestly I feel so worn out at the end of the day I can't be bothered - getting home from work I don't normally sit down til 730 but the time I've helped with 1, and done all the dishes etc. I'm not a morning person and the little fella gets up at 6, so not a lot of time in the mornings either. Work is too far for me to ride (~25km each way), but been looking at a few other things to get out and about
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E bike for commuting...?

I feel dirty for suggesting that..
 
Rorschach said:
I'm a side sleeper, so ear buds are really uncomfortable for me to sleep in. Tried white noise on a speaker in the room a while ago, but didn't do too much for me.

Exercise is something I did in the evenings before 1 came along, I used to hit the gym at 8 for a group fitness class for 45 minutes, that worked intermittently. I've also tried running and going for a walk in the evenings, but honestly I feel so worn out at the end of the day I can't be bothered - getting home from work I don't normally sit down til 730 but the time I've helped with 1, and done all the dishes etc. I'm not a morning person and the little fella gets up at 6, so not a lot of time in the mornings either. Work is too far for me to ride (~25km each way), but been looking at a few other things to get out and about
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I’m also a side sleeper...but luckily stay on that side, but that doesn’t help you.
Wish I could do more to help. I’d suggest (without any reason to back up my thought) that you’re more emotionally and mentally tired than physically tired....and that’s the worst.
I’m now forcing myself to get out any ride..especially when I’m tired and unmotivated...but I’m not in your situation any more. Kids are now 13 and 15, but I was right there with you when they were younger. I guarantee I wouldn’t have been able to follow the advice I’m now in the privileged position to dish out.
Call if you want more useless platitudes. I’m on 0408820237
 
caad9 said:
I got some AGPTEK sleep earphones, they are small and soft for side sleepers. Were $20 odd on Ebay
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Might even check those out myself.

I tend to sleep on my side, so I only listen until I feel like I'm about to go to sleep, and then just whip the earbuds out.
 
So funny story.

I don't get on here very much these days but I deactivated all my socials yesterday as I'm having a 'bad spell' and try to limit interaction with the world as much as possible when I'm like this. Wondering how to fill in a little time over lunch at work I thought I'd have a quick nosey on the old Farkin. Start typing rotorbur into the address bar. Hit enter. Lo and behold off topic is where I end up with with a thread about mental health front and center.

So the joys of the anonymity of the internet I'll give you a small insight into the wonderful place that is my broken brain. I've never thought of myself as a depressed person but sometimes my brain has a proper malfunction. Said malfunctions have seen me end up in resus after a drug overdose. Nil signs of life for something like 7 minutes. On another occasion I did a stint in a high security psych ward after it was decided that I was a danger to myself. Spent many years bouldering rather than climbing because I can't have rope in the house. You get the idea, it's a shit show.

Anyway, the point of this is. I've always dealt with this by myself for various reasons, mostly because I'm not the most open person and largely don't feel that comfortable around people. I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months. We've known eachother for about a year so I gave her a heads up very early on that sometimes my brain goes AWOL. She's lovely so I thought I should give her a friendly heads up that I'm having 'one of those days' and my being MIA has nothing to do with her. She sends me a bunch of messages on Whatsapp which I just couldn't bring myself to read, refers back to limiting interaction with the outside world. I assumed it would be the usual, life ain't so bad (and it isn't, I'm actually living the fucking dream), cheer up, blah, blah. Instead I got this. Well, something like this because I don't feel like sharing her exact words.

"I know the feeling of wanting to retreat. I was always afraid that if I told anyone about how I felt they would try to pull me out of my dark place, cheer me up and try to fix it. All really wanted was someone to acknowledge how I felt, sit with me in the dark and just be with me so I didn't have to be alone. I don't need shelter from the storm, just someone to sit next to me with an umbrella."

It's one of the few times I've felt understood and it also opened up communication as I didn't feel like someone was trying to fix me or undermine the way I felt. It's the first time I've felt comfortable talking to someone about the shit that goes on in my head. If anyone is having difficultly talking about things or approching someone who needs a friendly ear I highly recommend this approach. No one likes feeling like this but not everyone wants to be 'fixed'. I've always been like this and likely always will. It's not about fixing things, just managing the shit.
 
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