Black Dogs and mental shit in general

Rorschach said:
Further update.
11 days of new meds. Dropped my previous meds to half a table alternate days at the start of the week, so will keep doing that until they're gone - about 10 days or so
Sleep hasn't been great, but mood and motivation keep improving despite still feeling tired constantly. I've gotten angry a few times but not sat on it.
Got to the gym yesterday, which I'm happy about. Upping the weight after 3 weeks off wasn't a good idea, but ah well. Quads are suffering a bit today
It's the wifes weekend so I doubt I'll get out for a ride but we'll see.
Will check back on Monday
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Probably due another update here
6 weeks on the new meds and there's definitely a discernible difference, but I can't for certain say what.
My mood has improved a bit, but it's really my motivation and ability to let shit slide thats a step change, which in turn has meant I've felt better - if that makes sense?
I've had a really stressful few weeks with work and lack of sleep etc., but I've been able to push and get stuff done and let things wash off a bit easier.
I'm still constantly knackered and I do have my moments, particularly when the kids are winding me up but I calm down and normalise more quickly

I also had my ADHD assessment with a psychologist on Monday. Almost 2 hours of solid questions left me pretty drains.
He writes a report and then I see the Psychiatrist mid-Jan to see what he says.
If I don't have anything, fine - but I do want to see whats going on up there...
 
I apologise for the length but its a lot to unpack

Hey All - So I figured I would update what's going on in here as there is a lot to unpack for me and it kinda fits here I think.
Backstory -
Wednesday 20th Dec 2023
For a couple of days I had been feeling "off" but nothing specific my stomach had hurt for years (told multiple times it was reflux) I felt a bit lethargic - I was somewhat off my food compared to normal - I had put this down to starting a new job and it involved working in the heat and actually having to be present physically and mentally for 7 hrs a day. - Most of the day I had felt like I needed to move my bowels but hate doing it at work and it wasn't desperate so ignored it - at around 2 pm I just had to go and when I went it was what I know know as Malena (essentially pure blood that has passed through you) and it stinks - At 6:30pm ish I was sitting in my chair and explaining to my wife that I wasn't sure that I wanted tea and I felt off and about my bowel movement earlier in the day - She asked if I was going to see someone and I said "I think I need to go again lets see what its like" - At this precise point I broke out into extreme sweat like dripping and my vision went white and I felt disconnected and unable to articulate. I muttered "somethings wrong" and essentially passed out.

My wife called 000 and I could hear her asking for an ambulance the next time I came around the ambulance people were here and trying to rouse me - they started taking obs and asking me questions - I was able to articulate what was going on and then I felt a crash again - I heard the senior paramedic say to the new grad ( new grad is a first year that is essentially being supervised before being able to work alone) "we have to go now!!!" - somehow I managed to walk to the ambulance and I remember feeling faint as they laid me in the stretcher and the senior para telling the new grad "go go go we have to go"

I woke to a lot of doctors and ED (emergency department) nurses all around me and lots of tubes and monitors being connected - ( I have since found out they lost me in the ambulance and as I was entering ED I was actively being revived again) - At this stage I was in and out as the pushed adrenaline every time I lost blood pressure - So I would be taking then feel it drop away and it would all go white and I would hear them trying to rouse me again and adding more adrenaline - I was also holding in the need to poo as a lot of people are there and I am clothed - At this point I was unable to hold it and had to go ) they encouraged me to go as the holding was actually making things worse - I had to have a CT on my abdomen and was then prepped for emergency surgery where they scoped me to inspect the bleed to confirm and try and stop it.

I woke in ICU and it was explained I had an upper GI bleed and had essentially bleed out (I had been give 2 units of blood and I believe a third in the OR) they had cauterised the ulcer I had the bleeding was stopped - This is now Thursday morning they are stressing over my high blood pressure (I had to fall on my sword and admit I had not been taking my meds and promise to start again and go see my GP) - They put me on a medication for stomach acid reduction to allow the ulcer to heal and I am to go back to a the Surgeons clinic in 2 weeks for follow up - On the Friday night at 1 am I am moved to ward and on Friday at 12 pm I head home and told to rest - I felt ok but noticed I was getting breathless walking to the car ( breathless means I couldn't catch my breath where out of breath means I was just needing to catch up on my air if that makes sense)

Saturday the missus goes to her Mum's in Coffs Harbour (her mum is not well and recently lost her long term partner so she needed to go) - I told her "ill be fine what am I gunna do just sit around anyway - Saturday afternoon I went to get mower fuel and noticed my calf hurt a lot and in a weird way to normal strain or muscle soreness - I rang my daughter whilst driving who is an OT (Occupational Therapist) and her job is driving around to see her patients in the wild and they go 2 up with a nurse - the nurse said got to the hospital now so I did 4:30pm Saturday they rushed me straight in and after running some blood tests and another CT scan I know have severe Pulmonary Embolisms and at least 1 blood clot in my leg - Normal treatment is blood thinners (Heparin in a big dose and then blood thinner tablets) however if you have just tried to bleed out this now gets super tricky as a new bleed I could die before you even know your bleeding. My Daughter then announces she is coming home to be with me etc whilst in ICU again

Saturday morning 2am back to ICU for a slow drip of Heparin (they took 48 hrs to push what they normally push in 30 mins) they monitor your bloods til the dose measures as desired and stable then they have to observe you when they change to oral meds and monitor again - Wednesday and all the usual docs are back on board and I am itching to go home as I am mobile moving around etc feel fine no longer breathless but still get out of breath - the doctor responsible for setting me free then announces that even though I am eager that day 7 is the day you are most likely to bleed again and drop dead - he wants me to walk around with a physio and monitor my pulse and pulse ox and recovery and he wants and Echo Cardiogram of my heart to clear it of clots before I go home - The physio wishes all her patients were are as mobile as me and is perfectly happy with my ability to move and recover - the ECG however reveals there is something wrong with my right side of my of heart it is enlarged and not pumping as it should its kinda lazy - this needs to be investigated but via referral in Brisbane and I get to go home

Currently -
On meds for stomach acid for 3 mths and new scope to be done then to check on ulcer
On meds for Blood pressure again - Still quite random on high then normalish but prob to do with heart
On blood thinners for 6 mths and at 3 mths have to go to GP to get tests for clots and Pulmonary Embolisms etc

Other stuff -
The Mrs was supposed to go for dinner on the Wednesday night and if it had not been cancelled due to the other person still recovering from Covid I would have died in the chair at home for her to find me.
Every little ache pain / wind / poo / light headedness fills me with dread
No mountain bike riding until off the blood thinners ( 1) in an accident I could bleed out super quick and - 2) the missus has been through enough with out me saying I am going riding with my track record)
I only sleep about 3 hrs a night as every time I try to sleep I fall or trip in my sleep and jolt myself awake
If I do get to sleep I have dreams where I am being actively murdered by some one wielding a knife
If I take to long at the shops or whatever I get a text message asking if I am alright ( pretty sure I scared the missus bad)

Mentally I am hoping time will put some distance between these feelings as it is still pretty raw - I don't feel like talking about it with some one like counselling etc -I feel bad for putting people through what I have put them through and don't like feeling like I am relying on even burdening people.

So that about that
 
Minlak said:
I apologise for the length but its a lot to unpack

Hey All - So I figured I would update what's going on in here as there is a lot to unpack for me and it kinda fits here I think.
Backstory -
Wednesday 20th Dec 2023
For a couple of days I had been feeling "off" but nothing specific my stomach had hurt for years (told multiple times it was reflux) I felt a bit lethargic - I was somewhat off my food compared to normal - I had put this down to starting a new job and it involved working in the heat and actually having to be present physically and mentally for 7 hrs a day. - Most of the day I had felt like I needed to move my bowels but hate doing it at work and it wasn't desperate so ignored it - at around 2 pm I just had to go and when I went it was what I know know as Malena (essentially pure blood that has passed through you) and it stinks - At 6:30pm ish I was sitting in my chair and explaining to my wife that I wasn't sure that I wanted tea and I felt off and about my bowel movement earlier in the day - She asked if I was going to see someone and I said "I think I need to go again lets see what its like" - At this precise point I broke out into extreme sweat like dripping and my vision went white and I felt disconnected and unable to articulate. I muttered "somethings wrong" and essentially passed out.

My wife called 000 and I could hear her asking for an ambulance the next time I came around the ambulance people were here and trying to rouse me - they started taking obs and asking me questions - I was able to articulate what was going on and then I felt a crash again - I heard the senior paramedic say to the new grad ( new grad is a first year that is essentially being supervised before being able to work alone) "we have to go now!!!" - somehow I managed to walk to the ambulance and I remember feeling faint as they laid me in the stretcher and the senior para telling the new grad "go go go we have to go"

I woke to a lot of doctors and ED (emergency department) nurses all around me and lots of tubes and monitors being connected - ( I have since found out they lost me in the ambulance and as I was entering ED I was actively being revived again) - At this stage I was in and out as the pushed adrenaline every time I lost blood pressure - So I would be taking then feel it drop away and it would all go white and I would hear them trying to rouse me again and adding more adrenaline - I was also holding in the need to poo as a lot of people are there and I am clothed - At this point I was unable to hold it and had to go ) they encouraged me to go as the holding was actually making things worse - I had to have a CT on my abdomen and was then prepped for emergency surgery where they scoped me to inspect the bleed to confirm and try and stop it.

I woke in ICU and it was explained I had an upper GI bleed and had essentially bleed out (I had been give 2 units of blood and I believe a third in the OR) they had cauterised the ulcer I had the bleeding was stopped - This is now Thursday morning they are stressing over my high blood pressure (I had to fall on my sword and admit I had not been taking my meds and promise to start again and go see my GP) - They put me on a medication for stomach acid reduction to allow the ulcer to heal and I am to go back to a the Surgeons clinic in 2 weeks for follow up - On the Friday night at 1 am I am moved to ward and on Friday at 12 pm I head home and told to rest - I felt ok but noticed I was getting breathless walking to the car ( breathless means I couldn't catch my breath where out of breath means I was just needing to catch up on my air if that makes sense)

Saturday the missus goes to her Mum's in Coffs Harbour (her mum is not well and recently lost her long term partner so she needed to go) - I told her "ill be fine what am I gunna do just sit around anyway - Saturday afternoon I went to get mower fuel and noticed my calf hurt a lot and in a weird way to normal strain or muscle soreness - I rang my daughter whilst driving who is an OT (Occupational Therapist) and her job is driving around to see her patients in the wild and they go 2 up with a nurse - the nurse said got to the hospital now so I did 4:30pm Saturday they rushed me straight in and after running some blood tests and another CT scan I know have severe Pulmonary Embolisms and at least 1 blood clot in my leg - Normal treatment is blood thinners (Heparin in a big dose and then blood thinner tablets) however if you have just tried to bleed out this now gets super tricky as a new bleed I could die before you even know your bleeding. My Daughter then announces she is coming home to be with me etc whilst in ICU again

Saturday morning 2am back to ICU for a slow drip of Heparin (they took 48 hrs to push what they normally push in 30 mins) they monitor your bloods til the dose measures as desired and stable then they have to observe you when they change to oral meds and monitor again - Wednesday and all the usual docs are back on board and I am itching to go home as I am mobile moving around etc feel fine no longer breathless but still get out of breath - the doctor responsible for setting me free then announces that even though I am eager that day 7 is the day you are most likely to bleed again and drop dead - he wants me to walk around with a physio and monitor my pulse and pulse ox and recovery and he wants and Echo Cardiogram of my heart to clear it of clots before I go home - The physio wishes all her patients were are as mobile as me and is perfectly happy with my ability to move and recover - the ECG however reveals there is something wrong with my right side of my of heart it is enlarged and not pumping as it should its kinda lazy - this needs to be investigated but via referral in Brisbane and I get to go home

Currently -
On meds for stomach acid for 3 mths and new scope to be done then to check on ulcer
On meds for Blood pressure again - Still quite random on high then normalish but prob to do with heart
On blood thinners for 6 mths and at 3 mths have to go to GP to get tests for clots and Pulmonary Embolisms etc

Other stuff -
The Mrs was supposed to go for dinner on the Wednesday night and if it had not been cancelled due to the other person still recovering from Covid I would have died in the chair at home for her to find me.
Every little ache pain / wind / poo / light headedness fills me with dread
No mountain bike riding until off the blood thinners ( 1) in an accident I could bleed out super quick and - 2) the missus has been through enough with out me saying I am going riding with my track record)
I only sleep about 3 hrs a night as every time I try to sleep I fall or trip in my sleep and jolt myself awake
If I do get to sleep I have dreams where I am being actively murdered by some one wielding a knife
If I take to long at the shops or whatever I get a text message asking if I am alright ( pretty sure I scared the missus bad)

Mentally I am hoping time will put some distance between these feelings as it is still pretty raw - I don't feel like talking about it with some one like counselling etc -I feel bad for putting people through what I have put them through and don't like feeling like I am relying on even burdening people.

So that about that
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What a journey, and glad you're still hanging around. Don't stress about "putting people through" whatever going forward. The black dog's a deceiving little prick and makes you feel like you don't matter or have any value to others, but you know there's people in your life that'd be a lot more stressed/sad if you don't get whatever help you need. The missus and daughter might be fussing about but just remember it's because they want you around! (So do we!) I can't even imagine what it would've been like dipping in and out of the white fog and it's obviously not something humans would typically get lucky enough to come back from in pre-medicine days, so there's no shame in the brain not really being adapted to cope with it. Those services are available because people want to help (even if availability and going through the process might make it feel otherwise at times).

Good on you for talking about it (even just on here) too. It'll take time to adjust, but keep looking after yourself. Don't let little potholes along the road ahead (the random unhelpful staff, the inconvenience of extra tests/meds, etc...) stop you from moving forward overall.
 
A lot happened in a short time so there is much you need to work through. Do what you are supposed to and take your meds and rest but above all ignore that bit of your brain making you relive all the bad stuff and focus on the good. A loving wife and daughter and good medical treatment. It is hard admitting any of that to yourself and having the fortitude to post here shows how big a heart you have. Rest up big fella. Countless hobos are relying on you!
 
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Dales Cannon said:
A lot happened in a short time so there is much you need to work through. Do what you are supposed to and take your meds and rest but above all ignore that bit of your brain making you relive all the bad stuff and focus on the good. A loving wife and daughter and good medical treatment. It is hard admitting any of that to yourself and having the fortitude to post here shows how big a heart you have. Rest up big fella. Countless hobos are relying on you!
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Wont somebody please think of the hobos
 
Holy shit dude! That's fucking huge. I kept reading waiting for a fire...glad you've made it this far and wishing you a steady and less traumatic recovery!

It may feel unnatural, but this is a good time to reach out to a professional to help process all the chaos such a series of events jams into your brains.
 
yuley95 said:
Wont somebody please think of the hobos
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Dales is on it. He will be taking over the hoblo franchise servicing now that Minlak has a new custom title. ;)

@Minlak Fark Dude. Thou hast truly been though some shit recently. Glad you are still with us! :)

Here's my unsolicited pro-tip. I have spent more than my fair share of time in hospitals and such, and there can be a LOT of waiting.
Given that it is likely you will be spending time in and out of hospitals etc for tests and followups, I strongly suggest taking a good book to read, a game pad, Phone to browse the internet etc etc. I find it helps me to fast forward through the waiting. Even if I CBF reading, scrolling or gaming, I find it helpful that I could be doing those things if I wanted to.
 
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Holy sh!t that is quite a read! Not that there is ever a good time to go through all that but Christmas and a new job certainly adds to it.

I can only comment on the Pulmonary Embolism (PE). I've had a couple over the years (including a few in my lungs) and am on a low dose of thinners (Xarelto 10mg) pretty much indefinitely (for life). I still ride mtb, train Brazilian Jiu-Jistu, ride a motorbike etc. All things which are a bit higher risk but my Dr is ok with them.
The biggest risk is not so much bleeding out, it's hitting your head and getting bruising or bleeding on the brain.
When my episodes happened there was a lot of soul searching and uncertainty about the future but now, several years down the track, I'm pretty much unaffected by any of it. Hope you get a similar outcome
 
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