Having a tough time being a Dad.

[angrybadger]

Negotiation/compromising is an essential life skill. Do you ever use it with people in positions of authority? (Police/boss/....wife)
No, I don't mean give in to whining, but I think your approach worked well in a past time, but the world has changed, and you need to prepare kids for the world as it it, for better or worse.

Flame suit on.

I'm with Moorey here. I never give in to whining or tantrums, but I negotiate all the time.
If I say no to something, and my 3 yr old retorts with a calm, well reasoned argument about why I'm wrong... and I agree with him... They are my absolute proudest moments, and I will absolutely change my mind.
Blind obedience is not a useful skill. It might make parenting easier, but it's not like I have anything better to do.

 

[pharmaboy]

Thinking about parenting not the original question, and there is surely lots of great advice here, but equally there will be people who think their children are great and well behaved but their friends think they are bringing up little shits.

So, I'd consider educating yourself on parenting - making sure you read mainstream sites and books on the subject preferably written by well qualified people.

I'm only saying this because of a conversation with my wife last night about a friends child who is 7 or 8 acting like the centre of attention, generally being rude and very demanding of their attention in an inappropriate situation. The interesting bit was they have good friends that my wife had never met, and this other child was completely uncontrolled by the parent ( adult in public situation) - birds of a feather?

One of said parents is a teacher, there are all sorts of modern parenting techniques going on - but few hard boundaries. I'm sure they think they have a little darling - perhaps a "free spirit", but how well behaved your child is a question that can only be answered by over hearing a few of your friends talking about them.

So back to the OP, while your child is getting through this period and inevitably coming back out the other side, put as much study into the subject that you would for work - that self education lasts a lifetime. It's more like that you can find objective advice this way

 

[Minlak]

Negotiation/compromising is an essential life skill. Do you ever use it with people in positions of authority? (Police/boss/....wife)
No, I don't mean give in to whining, but I think your approach worked well in a past time, but the world has changed, and you need to prepare kids for the world as it it, for better or worse.

Flame suit on.

Lol I don't disagree with you either . The key is consistency I feel. My daughter is 17 now the negotiations are endless. I just typed a quick reply on how we approached parenting at that age of child

+1 to parents thinking their children are angels when they clearly are not. We got a postcard from the school the other day from a teacher wanting to tell us what a joy Jordyn is to teach lol must have done ok then.

 

[thatsnotme]

Mate, you've received some excellent advice to your question. As father to a 3yo girl and 5yo boy, I know where you're coming from, and I know the frustrations and fears you feel.

For me though, the thing I feel is that although knowing that stacks of other people have gone through the same as what you're going through - and seriously, I'm so impressed that so many other guys here have been so quick to share their own stories, advice and struggles - there's going to come a time when you're struggling again and all this encouragement will seem a long way away.

In your OP you mentioned seeking professional advice, and I'd strongly recommend that you do. I've done the same, more than once. The thing is, you've already identified that you're having trouble dealing with some situations that your little one throws at you. In so many other situations, when we don't know how to do something, we'll go and learn from someone without hesitation. When it comes to parenting though? It's like it's an admission of failure!

One of the best things I ever did was to admit that I wasn't happy with the way my mind was working, and the way it would react to situations, and to seek help for it. I am a far, far better father for having done that.

 

[Jaredp]

Time out... That's about all I have to contribute that already hasn't been said.

My wife has a part time job and an active social life with her gym friends. I am a cyclist. Clearly you are too as that's why your on a mtb forum.

Make sure you find time to run away and recharge... Both of you. The kids will be there when your done, lord knows they never go away.

But seriously, the mental health benefits of excersise is well proven and the recharge ready for the next battle can be the tool you need to persevere. Havin' a beer with tha boys will just get you fat and depressed. Alcohol is a depressent after all!

Find time to have time out!

I got 3 kids under 8. "Do you want to go to bed?!" Is a circular battle cry in my house... It goes round and round.

 

[Dozer]

:clap2::clap2::clap2::clap2: It's great to see the awesome advice handed over, well played guys and girls.

 

[PLUGGA]

:clap2::clap2::clap2::clap2: It's great to see the awesome advice handed over, well played guys and girls.

Couldn't agree more. Once again, thanks guys. It's refreshing to know there is good people out there, amongst the bottom feeders.

 

[B Rabbit]

I'm just shocked you had a successful trade with chopsticks

But in seriousness good luck with it all. There are always moments of doubt and despair with long journeys, stick with it and you'll come out the other side to the light.

 

[Ideate]

I'm just shocked you had a successful trade with chopsticks

It was probably Chopsticks buying from Plugga to resell for a profit.

 

[si618]

So, I'd consider educating yourself on parenting - making sure you read mainstream sites and books on the subject preferably written by well qualified people.

Agreed. We're all making it up as we go along, so get all the help you can.

One approach I've found useful advocates connective parenting.

 

[Shrekmeister]

The rewards outweigh the grief......well i like to remind myself that at times....

2.5 years ago i became a "parent/father" to two girls when i met my partner and she has two children from prior marriage...

"my two" did not come with an instruction manual...and it was a steep learning curve for me...and still is...

they live with us 24/7...their Dad lives five minutes away and has seen them four times this year...

they are now Miss 6 and Miss 11.....

Miss 6..

does she have regular meltdowns..absolutely..
does she give us grief and attitude...absolutely...

but seeing her ride her bike without training wheels for the first time last week after we persued with her for about a year so she could learn how to is priceless...

having her hang with me and tinker with bikes on sunday morning...cause thats what the cool people do is pretty awesome...

seeing her progress with her swimming lessons...and realise shes not going to drown if she lets go of the wall...that was priceless...

Miss 11 going on 18...

sure she is giving grief lately being a teenage attitude kicking in...

but she is one awesome kid, we have done a few adventure races together and often hang doing cool stuff....

sure her ADHD makes it hard in life at times with her learning at school etc but we persevere...

sure all kids are hard work....and i get it wrong many times...

but at the end of the day...there are the rewards....

heres a clip of Miss 11 singing about a year ago...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aXvqItHfE8


as your child gets older...the bond will grown and the great times will increase....stick with it dude....

 

[John U]

Raising kids hey Plugga, it's tough a lot of the time, some of the time it's fucking tough, interspersed in between are bits gold. Sometimes when I'm on my own somewhere I think of those little bits of gold and smile. I don't recall ever recalling the tough bits in those moments. I think our brain is wired to work like this, otherwise no one would ever have kids.

I got diagnosed with depression last year. Depression made a fuckin tough job harder. Since getting diagnosed and getting treatment I am managing a lot better. If you think you're not right within yourself I'd highly recommend getting some help/talking to a doctor. This could have a significantly positive impact on everything else in your life.

 

[Bermshot]

The rewards outweigh the grief......well i like to remind myself that at times....

2.5 years ago i became a "parent/father" to two girls when i met my partner and she has two children from prior marriage...

"my two" did not come with an instruction manual...and it was a steep learning curve for me...and still is...

they live with us 24/7...their Dad lives five minutes away and has seen them four times this year...

they are now Miss 6 and Miss 11.....

Miss 6..

does she have regular meltdowns..absolutely..
does she give us grief and attitude...absolutely...

but seeing her ride her bike without training wheels for the first time last week after we persued with her for about a year so she could learn how to is priceless...

having her hang with me and tinker with bikes on sunday morning...cause thats what the cool people do is pretty awesome...

seeing her progress with her swimming lessons...and realise shes not going to drown if she lets go of the wall...that was priceless...

Miss 11 going on 18...

sure she is giving grief lately being a teenage attitude kicking in...

but she is one awesome kid, we have done a few adventure races together and often hang doing cool stuff....

sure her ADHD makes it hard in life at times with her learning at school etc but we persevere...

sure all kids are hard work....and i get it wrong many times...

but at the end of the day...there are the rewards....

heres a clip of Miss 11 singing about a year ago...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aXvqItHfE8


as your child gets older...the bond will grown and the great times will increase....stick with it dude....

Hey mate, I see you said their dad is 5mins away, he only sees them 4 times a year? Is his guilt too strong for his own children? What? He doesn't know strength!
Jst questions.
Respect.

 

[Bermshot]

They're bloody mongrels.

I can't stand the precocious ones when you have to be nice because you're at someone els's party. :lock1:Ha Ha...
and you just want back hand them.

 

[Trickymac]

ignore haakon and his no kids chime in and his reasons why
they dont belong in this thread
he can start his own thread on why no kids are awesome, so again haakon pls stay out
and no one reply to his threads on this thread and like a troll he will go away
sorry haakon i used to be like you and cool if thats how you feel but its unhelpful for this thread and will derail it
carry on lads

 

[Mud Gecko]

I usually prefer not to weigh in on these sort of subjects but since Plugga is struggling at the moment I'll chuck in my 2 cents worth if it can help a bit.

I have a 3 year old girl, in those 3 short years I've found she can take me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have contemplated leaving my wife and daughter purely from the stress and frustration that I sometimes feel. I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision to have a child. I like to think everybody feels this at some point, that I'm not alone, that I did make this decision and I am man enough to see it through. I also see my wife goes through these same feelings. But we back each other up, we're a team, a cohesive unit that sticks together through thick and thin. We are a family.

I know its kind of a silly thing to say but it does get better, hang tough. She will eventually see that you are her rock, a solid foundation that will never waiver or crumble and in her dark times you can be the one that's there for her. Nothing will ever change the fact you are her Dad and she is your daughter.

On a side note this forum is full of awesome people and its great that you can come here and get solid advice.

 

[link1896]

I usually prefer not to weigh in on these sort of subjects but since Plugga is struggling at the moment I'll chuck in my 2 cents worth if it can help a bit.

I have a 3 year old girl, in those 3 short years I've found she can take me to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have contemplated leaving my wife and daughter purely from the stress and frustration that I sometimes feel. I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision to have a child. I like to think everybody feels this at some point, that I'm not alone, that I did make this decision and I am man enough to see it through. I also see my wife goes through these same feelings. But we back each other up, we're a team, a cohesive unit that sticks together through thick and thin. We are a family.

I know its kind of a silly thing to say but it does get better, hang tough. She will eventually see that you are her rock, a solid foundation that will never waiver or crumble and in her dark times you can be the one that's there for her. Nothing will ever change the fact you are her Dad and she is your daughter.

On a side note this forum is full of awesome people and its great that you can come here and get solid advice.

it always gets better. Due to complications, whilst pregnant my wife ended up with two fractured legs, one femur just above the knee totally detached joint on an angle from a fall. Two stress fractured vertebra from bed rest too. Spent two months in hospital and saw some tragic, horrible outcomes from fellow patients, and came home with a " could be a lot worse" attitude.

 

[MARKL]

:focus:

I have been skiing with my 14 year old daughter the last few days, have had awesome fun with her. I can't get her into mountain biking but we both love skiing - if you can do something with your kid that you both love it is a special time....but...

As we were going up on the chair lift, you see it almost every lift, there would be a parent and child booking an appointment with a therapist in 20 years time (or couple about to employ a divorce lawyer). When I taught my daughter to ski the best thing i did was send her off for lessons. She learnt better than I could ever teach her and we never had any arguments or tears . And I have still spent heaps of time teaching her to ski, I just got some assistance along the way - my best moment skiing was doing a run with her where she just 'got it' and her skiing became natural. My point is that sometimes we can't do everything for our child, sometimes it is better to get some assistance along the way, doesn't matter what it is, it can improve the outcome for all concerned.

 

[redbruce]

:focus:

I have been skiing with my 14 year old daughter the last few days, have had awesome fun with her. I can't get her into mountain biking but we both love skiing - if you can do something with your kid that you both love it is a special time....but...

As we were going up on the chair lift, you see it almost every lift, there would be a parent and child booking an appointment with a therapist in 20 years time (or couple about to employ a divorce lawyer). My point is that sometimes we can't do everything for our child, sometimes it is better to get some assistance along the way, doesn't matter what it is, it can improve the outcome for all concerned.

A good post, and applies to us all, not just the kids.

My kids are now nearing adulthood (actually one is already there), I've enjoyed the trials and tribulations along the way so much that I stayed at Scouts (leader) even after they moved on.

There are different challenges now, not necessarily easier or harder than before, but still there, different and challenging at times (see my earlier post).

Back to OP, looking at what some others in my Scout parent group have to deal with, I reckon I had it easy (despite wife with BPD and alcoholism, kids with anxiety issues and ADD).

It's all relative (but don't fall into the trap of comparisons), you have an important job to do, relish in the challenge and celebrate the successes (like Markl), we grow as they do. Something those not engaged in and accepting of the responsibility of, miss.

Haakon, while I respect your decision re kids, not an issue, however I hope you are actively engaged in the development of the youth of your society, otherwise it is you, not your taxes pissed into the wind.

Life is a multi dimensional journey for all concerned.

 

[No Skid Marks]

it always gets better. Due to complications, whilst pregnant my wife ended up with two fractured legs, one femur just above the knee totally detached joint on an angle from a fall. Two stress fractured vertebra from bed rest too. Spent two months in hospital and saw some tragic, horrible outcomes from fellow patients, and came home with a " could be a lot worse" attitude.

What a champ. She's a keeper.

Dearest Haakon.
Unless you have fathered children, you sir could not possibly understand what a harrowing, amazing, life changing, all time consuming, but awesome thing this thing called parenthood could possibly be!This is a total lie the whole world shares as some evil plot to have a chuckle at others. Kids are total Kuntz that fuck your whole life up. Do not for one second believe they are wonderful, they are evil EVIL.
we are here as fellow parents trying to help the newly inducted, and help them along their journey, not spruik how awesome you are for single handedly saving the world, and all of us on it!Burn him at the stake....:deadhorse:
shouldn't you be on "riotact" this time of night?..go and spruik your bullshit there.

:focus:

I have been skiing with my 14 year old daughter the last few days, have had awesome fun with her. I can't get her into mountain biking but we both love skiing - if you can do something with your kid that you both love it is a special time....but...

As we were going up on the chair lift, you see it almost every lift, there would be a parent and child booking an appointment with a therapist in 20 years time (or couple about to employ a divorce lawyer). When I taught my daughter to ski the best thing i did was send her off for lessons. She learnt better than I could ever teach her and we never had any arguments or tears . And I have still spent heaps of time teaching her to ski, I just got some assistance along the way - my best moment skiing was doing a run with her where she just 'got it' and her skiing became natural. My point is that sometimes we can't do everything for our child, sometimes it is better to get some assistance along the way, doesn't matter what it is, it can improve the outcome for all concerned.

What a wonderful analogy. Got to laugh though. Skiing is one of those things as I'm sure ski diving, or any other terrifying out of your element thing that really brings out peoples true characters. Some become total arseholes, while others become the most humble, trusting and grateful. Ironically I took my two year old skiing a few weeks ago. After an hour or so doing our thing, I was trying to walk down the metal stairs with ski boots on, her skis and her. She thought it was funny to go all limp several times in a row, so I in a loud I'm not fucking about type of grouchy voice yelled out, stop it, only to look up and see an old family friend, so embarrassing. I would have looked like worst parent of the year, even though it was for my daughters safety. and was that second only. ahh snap.