Jokes Thread.

Graunched

Graunched

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After a long investigation into 9/11 the Americans have discovered it wasnt the Muslims who attacked the twin towers but two irish builders, Paddy and Mick who were fitting a door on the 44th floor.
The door wouldnt fit so Paddy told Mick to go fetch a plane and take a bit off the top.
 
GravityGuru

GravityGuru

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Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had
to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old. He
stated that it was ok because he loved her soooo much.

However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he
also had a deformity too. Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said...."I too
have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you can
deal with that once we are married."

She said "Yes I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Mark
whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
holding one another... As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants she began to
scream and run out of the room.

Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She stated to Mark, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"


Mark said, "Yes, it is... 8 lbs. 7 oz., 19 inches long!!"
 
Kuragari

Kuragari

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Sorry if it's been posted before, I'm still working through the 200+ pages :eek:



[The Day before Pesach]

I had twelve bottles of whiskey in my cellar and I was instructed by my wife to empty each and every bottle down the sink. So I proceeded with the task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

I then pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next one and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour.

When I had every thing emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other which were twenty-nine, and put the houses in the bottle which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incahol, but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
 
Gone_4_A_Ride

Gone_4_A_Ride

Banned
There was a father who took his 6 year old daughter for a walk in a park.

Upon looking at a flower the daughter saw two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what type of spiders are they" she asked

"Thats a Daddy-long legs darling" he replied

The Daughter then asked "So does that mean the other spider is a Mummy-long legs?"

The fathers heart melts and thinks to himself "the beauty of childhood innocence"

"no darling thats a Daddy-long legs aswell"

When she hears this, she stomps them flat!

The Father horrified asked "why did you do that!"

To which the daughter replied "I dont want to see any of that poofter shit in our park!"
 
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Breaka

Breaka

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A little boy is showering with his mother when pointing at her Vagina he asks what it is.

'It's my errr...my wombat' she says.

'Well Grandma's must be dead because it's tongue is poking' The kid responds.
 
Gone_4_A_Ride

Gone_4_A_Ride

Banned
Christo said:
The much more elegant & classier punchline is simply.

'not in my garden'

Adding 'poofter shit' demeans all our intellects and makes you look like a dumb redneck.

Adding a smiley confirms it.
Click to expand...
Oh i forget 3 words at the end of a sentence and i stuff up a perfectly good joke AND im a redneck!
Your just a fucking idiot.
Its supposed to be about the innocents of a 6 year old. THAT is the joke,Not the use of the word "poofter"

I thought someone as "Intellectual" as you would have been able to see that.
 
Nabdaddy

Nabdaddy

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Not sure if it has been posted before. But got this on an email last week:

Election Wishes....

Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,

'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy .'

Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy.'




:D
 
Mail Man

Mail Man

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The Australian army core has just flown over to join the war in Europe. The Brittish army officer is addressing the Australian troops as they are about to go into battle.

"You know you came here to die!"

To which the Australian officer replies,

"No sir we came here yes-ter-die"
 
Christo

Christo

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Lemontime said:
Cool it dudes, it's just a joke..
Christo, he told it pretty much the same, does it really matter?
Click to expand...
Hey, I said my piece & I'll stick by it, if I really thought it mattered I'd report the post.

Just to show how over it I am, here's a lame joke;

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
Click to expand...
 
J

jarrad7

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elliotdhmcgeary said:
Haha. Yeah that was good Jarrad. Where do you get all your jokes?!
Click to expand...
c'mon guys, a magician never reveals his tricks.. but then again im not a magician i guess....
nah i usually just hear them around or receive them in emails from mates...


An old man goes into a pharmacy to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I'm 96' said the old man.

'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. '
 
J

jarrad7

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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
 
J

jarrad7

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One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?'

'Tammie give it to me,' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!'
 
J

jarrad7

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This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Sydney he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
And my husband wont give me extra money.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in gaol."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a packet of hundred and thousands"
 
GravityGuru

GravityGuru

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jarrad7 said:
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

'Bubba, where'd you git that truck?'

'Tammie give it to me,' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!'
Click to expand...
Usual ending to that one, instead of "So I took the truck"

Jimmy Jones replies "Good thinking, those clothes probably wouldn't of fit you anyway"
 
eyes

eyes

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It's long but worth the read...

Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately. Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing. I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying. My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals. I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back. He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go fuck yourself.

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse. As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends. If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well. There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace. I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.

From: Jeff Peters
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm
To: Jeff Peters
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.
 
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