Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter mattvincent
- Start date
Spike-X
Grumpy Old Sarah
If you're gonna tell a stupid sexist joke, try not to fuck it up at least.
Spike-X
Grumpy Old Sarah
Please. No more. I'm gonna pull a muscle or something.
Grip
Yeah, yeah... blah, blah.
You're an idiot.
And you're banned.i apologize in advance to the abboriginals and asians
and aboriginal and asain stand on top on a building, they jump off, who wins???????
SOCIETY
Try and remember the rules, eh?
Tofsy
Likes Dirt
Two cameramen from film crew in the Serengeti Plane are filming a wild lion in its natural environment eating a zebra.
The lion looks over at them and roars aggressively.
One of the cameramen takes his boots off and changes into a pair of Nike running shoes.
The other cameraman turns to him and says "You'll never outrun a lion in them!"
He just replies "... Fuck the Lion, as long as I outrun you I'm okay!"
The lion looks over at them and roars aggressively.
One of the cameramen takes his boots off and changes into a pair of Nike running shoes.
The other cameraman turns to him and says "You'll never outrun a lion in them!"
He just replies "... Fuck the Lion, as long as I outrun you I'm okay!"
Haha nice one.
Disturbed.Rider
Likes Bikes and Dirt
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....what?................. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
maxybon1234
Likes Dirt
My Next Life
MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready ;for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
maxybon1234
Likes Dirt
Beer Before It Starts
Gene came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife Lucille, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."
Lucille looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When Gene finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."
This time, Lucille looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, Gene said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" Lucille blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Gene sighed. "Oh shit, it started."
Gene came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife Lucille, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts."
Lucille looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When Gene finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna start."
This time, Lucille looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, Gene said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
That's it!" Lucille blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"
Gene sighed. "Oh shit, it started."
Grip
Yeah, yeah... blah, blah.
Hmmm... what do you do when 12 year olds tell jokes like this?
Grow up... and do you really think the * hides the fact that you're using unacceptable language here on the site?
Ban them.#1 Q: what do you do if a chick starts smoking.
A: put some lube on her.
#2 Q: why do tampons never talk to each other.
A: because there always stuck up c*nts
lol
Grow up... and do you really think the * hides the fact that you're using unacceptable language here on the site?
Graunched
Likes Dirt
Two New Zealanders are flying a herd of sheep to a new farm. Suddenly, the
engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
NZ1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
NZ2: What about the sheep ?!?
NZ1: Fuck the sheep !!!!
NZ2: (pause) Do you think we have time?
engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
NZ1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
NZ2: What about the sheep ?!?
NZ1: Fuck the sheep !!!!
NZ2: (pause) Do you think we have time?
dog boy
Likes Dirt
lol to the previous joke about the sheep
sorry to the guy that didnt like my last joke. ur the first person i know of that hasnt laughed at either one.
a guy kidnaps 3 people and takes them to a deserted island, he says to them go out into the bush and find 3 of the same kind of fruit, bring them back and put each one up ur bum without laughing or pulling a face. if you can do the task successfuly i will let you go if you fail i will kill you.
so all three people set off in to the bush
the first person comes back with 3 oranges, they get to the 2nd one and pull a face. the kidnaper kills them
the 2nd person comes back with grapes, he makes it to the last one and bursts out laughing. the kidnaper says to the 2nd guy why did u start laughing you almost did it and i could have let you go. the 2nd guy replies i saw the last guy come back with pinapples.
sorry to the guy that didnt like my last joke. ur the first person i know of that hasnt laughed at either one.
a guy kidnaps 3 people and takes them to a deserted island, he says to them go out into the bush and find 3 of the same kind of fruit, bring them back and put each one up ur bum without laughing or pulling a face. if you can do the task successfuly i will let you go if you fail i will kill you.
so all three people set off in to the bush
the first person comes back with 3 oranges, they get to the 2nd one and pull a face. the kidnaper kills them
the 2nd person comes back with grapes, he makes it to the last one and bursts out laughing. the kidnaper says to the 2nd guy why did u start laughing you almost did it and i could have let you go. the 2nd guy replies i saw the last guy come back with pinapples.
Lemontime
Eats Squid
First you tell a two shitty jokes and almost get yourself banned, THEN you tell a joke completely wrong!! What is this world coming to?lol to the previous joke about the sheep
sorry to the guy that didnt like my last joke. ur the first person i know of that hasnt laughed at either one.
a guy kidnaps 3 people and takes them to a deserted island, he says to them go out into the bush and find 3 of the same kind of fruit, bring them back and put each one up ur bum without laughing or pulling a face. if you can do the task successfuly i will let you go if you fail i will kill you.
so all three people set off in to the bush
the first person comes back with 3 oranges, they get to the 2nd one and pull a face. the kidnaper kills them
the 2nd person comes back with grapes, he makes it to the last one and bursts out laughing. the kidnaper says to the 2nd guy why did u start laughing you almost did it and i could have let you go. the 2nd guy replies i saw the last guy come back with pinapples.
Spike-X
Grumpy Old Sarah
I laughed at the tampon one when I first heard it.sorry to the guy that didnt like my last joke. ur the first person i know of that hasnt laughed at either one.
Twenty years ago.