Open plan offices, a real eye opener

binner

binner

Hath shat hymself
Well, yes the time has come that I finally migrated to an open plan office late last week in a brand new 5 level building. After 16 years of having my own private office to jack off in, snort coke, watch filthy Russian porn yadda yadda yadda I am already witnessing and being pulled up on what I'm doing. The worst part is I am on a bank of 3 tables and I'm on the end where there is the walkway for all staff to walk to their desk, the foot traffic noise and stares as every single person looks at my dual screens shits me already.

The dude on my left is a programmer and holy shit, he is a lil different shall we say. Let's leave that there for now.

Then the last guy on the end is the faculties H&S advisor and already I've been told on several occasions that my desk is not set correctly , the monitors are wrong, the chair is not adjusted right....arghhhhh for fuck sake!.

People whisper, people snort, people talk to themselves,people think they are comedians, the dude who faces me has a stand up desk which he fucking constantly winds up and down through the day for no apparent reason other than to sit or stand, FFS what's it gunna be ....SIT or fucking STAND !

I have so much more to discuss but I'll save it for later..... Can anyone give me some hints, tips, help on coping in this wild strange new environment.

Thanks in advance
 
hifiandmtb

hifiandmtb

Sphincter beanie
Headphones & learning to be oblivious to/of others is how I cope.

And working from home where possible.
 
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Haakon

Haakon

has an accommodating arse
Yeah, been there... I once worked for a while in a brand new whiz bang social experiment nightmare in Canberra called the Nishi building. We were crammed into together with zero personal space, had constant eye contact with whoever was across the low partition. I was opposite a meeting room no one ever closed the door on and on a corridor. The dunnies reeked because they were "low water use" and the climate control system would occasionally automatically open windows over the fucking freeway so you couldn't hear yourself think.

Headphones and a big hard drive on my phone were the only sources of sanity. I have not much advice but to grin and bear it...
 
pink poodle

pink poodle

気が狂っている男
binner said:
Well, yes the time has come that I finally migrated to an open plan office late last week in a brand new 5 level building. After 16 years of having my own private office to jack off in, snort coke, watch filthy Russian porn yadda yadda yadda I am already witnessing and being pulled up on what I'm doing. The worst part is I am on a bank of 3 tables and I'm on the end where there is the walkway for all staff to walk to their desk, the foot traffic noise and stares as every single person looks at my dual screens shits me already.

The dude on my left is a programmer and holy shit, he is a lil different shall we say. Let's leave that there for now.

Then the last guy on the end is the faculties H&S advisor and already I've been told on several occasions that my desk is not set correctly , the monitors are wrong, the chair is not adjusted right....arghhhhh for fuck sake!.

People whisper, people snort, people talk to themselves,people think they are comedians, the dude who faces me has a stand up desk which he fucking constantly winds up and down through the day for no apparent reason other than to sit or stand, FFS what's it gunna be ....SIT or fucking STAND !

I have so much more to discuss but I'll save it for later..... Can anyone give me some hints, tips, help on coping in this wild strange new environment.

Thanks in advance
Click to expand...
Nobody believed me when I said it...I feel for you man! Those places are hell. Play the game. Get your desk assessed. Then repeat. Then repeat. Every month. Set a reminder in your calendar! Find out what makes those cunts tick. One of my mates discovered the psycho bitch opposite him disliked loud crunching noises one day by fluke. He ate an apple every single day. And a carrot. And then if he was getting stress or she was being a slab he would get another apple. This was a fantastic move for his health. We called her the speckled hen. I used to have an espresso machine and coffee grinder on my desk! After a few weeks of fresh brewed coffee I received a request to cease. Too much noise and distraction. So I would hold a coffee parade each morning and invite groups of people to my desk. While they chatted I went to the kitchen to make coffee. So much noise! I used to cook steak, chicken, lamb, pork...all of it in the communal sandwich press. Does bacon perfectly. Make sure you clean up really well, so there is no Avenue for complaint. Have a fucking messy desk, then a super tidy one. Grow some plants. Have a fruit bowl. Put out mouse traps...Posters...nice big posters. Better still print off some bullshit awards! If that gets traction make some for other people...get an important roll, I was Chief fire warden. That way you have an excuse to be away from your desk heaps. Sorry I was in a safety meeting...having coffee with the 2 other chief fire wardens! Just get your troll on. You can do it...
 
pink poodle

pink poodle

気が狂っている男
And wear a surgical mask! I did that sporadically during the swine flu fears...freaked the fuck out of the stupid people. It was a lot of fun.

Tell the stupid fuckers around you that your work is really complex and you need to focus...so they can only speak to you via email or through aeeting request.
 
Haakon

Haakon

has an accommodating arse
pink poodle said:
Nobody believed me when I said it...I feel for you man! Those places are hell. Play the game. Get your desk assessed. Then repeat. Then repeat. Every month. Set a reminder in your calendar! Find out what makes those cunts tick. One of my mates discovered the psycho bitch opposite him disliked loud crunching noises one day by fluke. He ate an apple every single day. And a carrot. And then if he was getting stress or she was being a slab he would get another apple. This was a fantastic move for his health. We called her the speckled hen. I used to have an espresso machine and coffee grinder on my desk! After a few weeks of fresh brewed coffee I received a request to cease. Too much noise and distraction. So I would hold a coffee parade each morning and invite groups of people to my desk. While they chatted I went to the kitchen to make coffee. So much noise! I used to cook steak, chicken, lamb, pork...all of it in the communal sandwich press. Does bacon perfectly. Make sure you clean up really well, so there is no Avenue for complaint. Have a fucking messy desk, then a super tidy one. Grow some plants. Have a fruit bowl. Put out mouse traps...Posters...nice big posters. Better still print off some bullshit awards! If that gets traction make some for other people...get an important roll, I was Chief fire warden. That way you have an excuse to be away from your desk heaps. Sorry I was in a safety meeting...having coffee with the 2 other chief fire wardens! Just get your troll on. You can do it...
Click to expand...
I've worked with a few people like you. I alternate between applauding their efforts and wanting to kill them.

I tend to just get through and ignore the world. If only it would leave me alone...
 
Haakon

Haakon

has an accommodating arse
We have a guy who when he goes to take a piss grabs a paper towel on his way into the urinal. He uses that as a glove of sorts to hold his cock with. He then uses the afore mentioned cock towel to open the door and drops it on the floor between the inner and outer doors. At the end of the day there is a little pile of paper towels the cleaners have to collect. No hand washing is involved in this little process.

He also likes to do big meat cook ups on the sandwich press. I once pointed out there are vegetarians in the office, but he just looked confused.
 
pink poodle

pink poodle

気が狂っている男
Haakon said:
I've worked with a few people like you. I alternate between applauding their efforts and wanting to kill them.

I tend to just get through and ignore the world. If only it would leave me alone...
Click to expand...
Haakon said:
We have a guy who when he goes to take a piss grabs a paper towel on his way into the urinal. He uses that as a glove of sorts to hold his cock with. He then uses the afore mentioned cock towel to open the door and drops it on the floor between the inner and outer doors. At the end of the day there is a little pile of paper towels the cleaners have to collect. No hand washing is involved in this little process.

He also likes to do big meat cook ups on the sandwich press. I once pointed out there are vegetarians in the office, but he just looked confused.
Click to expand...
I love working with people like you! I once had a vegetarian whinge at me about my steak in the sandwich press. It was a 500g rump...I told her that when she cleans the sandwich press as well as i do we could talk. The office environment is filled with vicious animals. They wont leave you alone, they will just eat you. You can either be like them, or give them the shits...i chose to dish out dysentery.
 
mik_git

mik_git

Likes Bikes and Dirt
hahaha...
Where I was working for the last few years, was always mostly open plan kinda. It was on old building and way too big for what was needed, people spread over 2 floors of which there were 3. Managers had offices, here were plenty of meeting rooms, and while it was open,there was lots of room, but even still some of the departments were very loud...
Then company sold building and moved into a fancy pants new building.crammed everyone into one floor smaller than one floor i the old building. everything was all ergonomic and paperless. So it was noisy as all hell ow, all the desk areas had these huge partitions and you had to stand up to talk to your colleague (which was all the time), the ergo seats were super uncomfortable and now no managers had offices. (we ripped the partitions out and everyone else on the floor is like oooh thats a great idea, out they all went)
It was supposed to encourage people to sit in a new spot every day for all feelgood team interaction...but everyone on my team needed to sit together to actually get things done effectively so if someone came and sat in our "area" we had to boot them, but we weren't actually allowed to because we were supposed to encourage team bonding. Ugh...
Worst of all took a huge effort to get dual screens for my team, which we got and was brilliant for what we were doing. but in the move everyone in the building got issued with a laptop to use with a real big main screen... except that the main program we ran for 99% of tasks along with having excel/word/browser open as well to transfer loads of data... you couldn't resize so it was too small to read on the laptop, but took up 80% of the big screen... they just told us to "split the screen"...and we're like Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaark you, we can't!

And our productivity dropped by 40%

Geez it was shithouse. New building, everything broke, and the reason we moved was the old building was old and therefore things were going to need work...

Luckily my project/contract ended, like the job, liked the team, hated that new building.
 
Flow-Rider

Flow-Rider

Burner
pink poodle said:
I love working with people like you! I once had a vegetarian whinge at me about my steak in the sandwich press. It was a 500g rump...I told her that when she cleans the sandwich press as well as i do we could talk. The office environment is filled with vicious animals. They wont leave you alone, they will just eat you. You can either be like them, or give them the shits...i chose to dish out dysentery.
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Don't you get their shit and hide on someone else's desk, you know, shit like staplers and paper work and blame someone in the office.:heh:
 
G

gregp

Likes Dirt
Good noise cancelling headphones. I have 2 pairs so I'm never caught without them. And those 4hr long brain music vids on youtube.
 
pink poodle

pink poodle

気が狂っている男
Flow-Rider said:
Don't you get their shit and hide on someone else's desk, you know, shit like staplers and paper work and blame someone in the office.:heh:
Click to expand...
yes, but that is the obvious stuff. I liked to pop the keys off people's keyboards too. I kept a huge tub of lollies at my desk for when arseholes brought their kids into the office. "Take as many as you want timmy! I've got take away bags in the draw too." a nerf rocket as well (one of the visiting kids went rank on gummy bears and shot the speckled hen in the cunt! was so funny, i was pretty sure she was a virgin or transvestite). Another good one is to travel up/down a floor and drop off a phantom poo...or leave a really filthy dish in the sink (of that other floor, never your own). Post up A4 adverts in the lifts, or fake birthday wishes. Office workers love a good birthday.
 
Dene Dweller

Dene Dweller

Likes Dirt
Good office prank is to physically swap the M and N keys, have seen an IT manager waste half an hour trying everything to fix that one.
 
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