Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter mattvincent
- Start date
|Matt|
Banned
I'm not getting defensive you big girl, I'm genuinely curious. I've never heard of that stereotype. Did you see me getting angry about it?
I see you getting all angry now that you're getting all defensive
dr.evil
Likes Dirt
I might stick to the jokes (if you can can them that)...
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a kiddies pool?
Wade
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on her period?
Flo
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and no ears?
Anything you want
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs nailed to the wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a kiddies pool?
Wade
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on her period?
Flo
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and no ears?
Anything you want
lounge lizard
Likes Bikes
What do you call a drunk person of middle eastern descent?
Hamid
hammered
Hamid
hammered
dcrofty
Eats Squid
I knew a guy called Hamid once who used to tell that joke. He also said that when he had even more to drink that his name changed to Mohammed.
nizai
Likes Dirt
Beno1571
Likes Dirt
Sad thing is that people want to buy it haha
condog
Likes Dirt
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I' m late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'wha t do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....'
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I' m late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'wha t do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher?And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....'
An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel
special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about you trying the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well. it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow ! . . . You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of shower,
his wife looked at him and said, "How about you trying the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well. it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow ! . . . You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
PINT of Stella. mate!
Many, many Scotches
That reminds me of a tale...
It's not a joke as such and quite possibly an urban myth but never let the truth get in the way of a good story is my policy! Anyway about 10 - 15 years ago there was a story about a traffic cop who was parked up on a road in the highlands of Scotland zapping people with the radar gun in the hope of getting a few speeding fines. Being in the middle of nowhere in the highlands there was A: very little traffic for the copper to flash and B: RAF Tornado fighter-bombers practicing low-level terrain hugging operations through the glens.
Sure enough, PC Plod got a bit bored and out of curiosity decided to point the gun at an extremely fast low-flying jet. Unfortunately for plod, this flashed up a whole series of Radar warnings in the cockpit which caused the pilot to instinctively activate all the ECM (electronic counter-measure) systems, resulting in the cops radar gun blowing up in his hand after copping a massive burst of NATO approved high frequency microwave jiggery-pokery from the aforementioned warplane...
Tristan23
Farkin guerilla
Jeez. Leitch and I saw a few of those fighter-bombers playing around while we were in the Highlands. Glad we didn't point the cameras at them...
n00b
Likes Dirt
I read a similar one, but in this story a Scottish copper heard a high performance engine screaming towards him but no sign of a vehicle. Pointed the radar towards the noise and got a 200mph+ reading.
This happened once again before the perpetrators were apprehended, who happened to be RAF tornado pilots driving a lambo flat stick up and down the motorway with their night vision helmets on and no lights.
This happened once again before the perpetrators were apprehended, who happened to be RAF tornado pilots driving a lambo flat stick up and down the motorway with their night vision helmets on and no lights.
W2ttsy
Likes Dirt
thank god its an urban legend. NVGs have no depth perception at all. It would be nearly impossible to do that. but oh so cool...
W2ttsy
slip
Beefcake...BEEFCAKE!!!
Haahhaahahaahahahaha
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3HaRFBSq9k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3HaRFBSq9k
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