Jokes Thread.

Bjorn

Bjorn

Likes Dirt
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom... Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand .....'
 
Bjorn

Bjorn

Likes Dirt
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
 
Mattydv

Mattydv

Likes Bikes and Dirt
An oldie but a goodie!

I just found an old copy of The Great Australian Yarnbook, gotta post up some of the crackers in there soon!
 
Nabdaddy

Nabdaddy

Likes Dirt
Julia Gillard walks into the Commonwealth Bank to cash a cheque. As she approaches the cashier she says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Ma'am. Could you please show me your ID"?

Gillard: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Julia Gillard, the Prime Minister of Australia!!!!"

Cashier: "Yes Ma'am, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard: "I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Greg Norman came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Greg Norman and cashed his cheque. Another time, Pat Cash came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, my mind is a total blank~~~there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing"

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Prime Minister?"
 
Registered Nutcase

Registered Nutcase

Likes Bikes and Dirt
I love this time of year. You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

I called up the rape advice hotline yesterday. Apparently it's only for victims.

Wanna hear a joke?
Women's rights.
 
E

evil_hitman

Squid
What's the definition of trust?

Getting a blowjob off a cannibal.


Did you hear about the bloke that was arrested for drinking battery acid and fireworks?

He was charged but then let off.
 
E

evil_hitman

Squid
It only took me a couple of weeks but i read all 306 pages.
Clearly i have to much time on my hands.

This was (allegedly) heard on a melbourne perth flight by a friend of mine.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, in case of an in-flight emergency, oxygen masks may be deployed. If you are traveling with an elderly person or a small child, place your mask on first and then help the person next to you. If you are traveling with two small children, look now and decide which one you love the most!!"
 
E

evil_hitman

Squid
another pilot related joke....

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
 
NS Capital Man

NS Capital Man

Likes Dirt
Not sure if this has been said but anyway

Three blondes are walking in a forrest and they come across some tracks. One says that they are deer tracks, another one says that they are bear tracks and the last one says that they are moose tracks.

Five minutes later they all get hit by a train.
 
thecat

thecat

NSWMTB, Central Tableland MBC
I just got out of jail after having my arse pounded profusely.


Who knew dad would take Monopoly so seriously?




A german bloke goes into a highclass brothel in London. The madam sends a girl over. They flirt for a bit, she sits on his knee he leans in and whispers something in her ear... She jumps up and stomps off.

The madam sends another girl over They flirt for a bit, she sits on his knee he leans in and whispers something in her ear... "No way you creep" she calls out and jumps up and storms off.

The madam goes and finds her dirtiest nymph, she has never knocked back anything. They flirt for a bit, she sits on his knee he leans in and whispers something in her ear... She jumps up and slaps him hard "You go to far!"

At an end and curious as to what the guy is asking for that the girls find so abhorrent the madam decided to take the job her self, She wanders across They flirt for a bit, she sits on his knee he leans in and whispers in her ear...










"Can I pay in Euros?"
 
DeBloot

DeBloot

Feeling old
George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying,
'I'm often left abandoned and lying on my side with a damaged bottom and dead seamen inside me after a nights cruising'
 
Binaural

Binaural

Eats Squid
A German was stopped by a Polish Immigration officer and was asked some questions.
Guard, Age?
German, 30
Guard, Sex?
German, Male
Guard, Occupation?
German, No, just visiting.
 
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