Jokes Thread.

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jarrad7

Likes Dirt
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The lolly shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of lollies.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.

"No," said the little boy..

"It's a puppy!"
 
E

elliotdhmcgeary

Likes Bikes and Dirt
jarrad7 said:
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Sydney he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
And my husband wont give me extra money.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in gaol."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a packet of hundred and thousands"
Click to expand...
Bahaha. Gold!
 
Knopey

Knopey

Likes Dirt
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North-western University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.


Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.


The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.



This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bullshit stories.
 
dcrofty

dcrofty

Eats Squid
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil.
'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here,
I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room.


In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'


The Devil led him to the next room.


In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.


The Devil opened the third door.


In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said..................





*



*



*



*



*



*



*



*






'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
 
WasabiJim

WasabiJim

Likes Bikes
One day a barman of 20yrs decides he has had enough. He buys a house in the middle of no where. No neighbours for hours in any direction and once a month he goes into town for mail and supplies.
After several months there’s a knock on the door. Its this big hairy lumberjack of a man, who says, “There’s gonna be a Christmas party for the locals next month, thought you’d like to be invited. My station is the next one up the road, 3hrs”
The bar man replies, “sure”
As the gruff neighbour is walking away he stops, “I’ll just warn you that there’s gonna be a lot of drinking.”
“that wont be a problem I know how to handle myself around heavy drinkers, I was a barman.”
The mountain of a man turns but then adds, “and there’s gonna be a plenty of fighting”
“well as a barman I knew how to manage things if violence erupted, so no problem there”
The man turns to leave, pauses, then says, “I gotta point out that there’s gonna be a lot of wild sex as well.”
The barman, having been alone for so long now replies, “well if only we can all be so lucky”
With nothing else to say the visitor leaves, just as he gets to the veranda, the barman asks, “what should I wear to the party”
“it don’t matter much, it’s just gonna be you and me”
 
WasabiJim

WasabiJim

Likes Bikes
"doctor! i've got a problem with my old fella, its gone orange!"
"what have you been doing lately, anything usual?"
"not really, i'm on holidays. been sitting at home eating twistys and watching porn"
 
J

jarrad7

Likes Dirt
An old lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
 
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J

jarrad7

Likes Dirt
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in
the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her
Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
 
J

jarrad7

Likes Dirt
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".

Susie said : " I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
 
Spike-X

Spike-X

Grumpy Old Sarah
jarrad7 said:
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your knickers".

Susie said : " I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
Click to expand...
The next day, Little Susie (who's obviously not too bright) comes home from school all excited and bursting with the news that her friends told her today how babies are made! As Little Susie is only seven, her mother has a hard time believing her friends have been giving her accurate information, but decides to humour her nonetheless.

"Really? So how are babies made then, Susie?"

"Well," explains Susie breathlessly, "You play with the man's thingy and it gets all hard and you put it in your mouth and this sticky white stuff squirts out and you swallow it and that's how you get babies!"

"No, darling," replies Susie's mother, "That's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry!"
 
jackmac91

jackmac91

Likes Dirt
you are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
to your left there is a sharp drop off, to your right an elephant traveling at the same speed as you, directly infront of you there is a kangaroo moving a the the same speed, and behind you is a lion chasing you..

How do you get out if this situation safely?





Get your drug fucked arse of the merrygoround!
 
chumbox

chumbox

Likes Bikes
jackmac91 said:
you are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
to your left there is a sharp drop off, to your right an elephant traveling at the same speed as you, directly infront of you there is a kangaroo moving a the the same speed, and behind you is a lion chasing you..

How do you get out if this situation safely?
Click to expand...
Assuming the lion is running at the same speed too wouldn't you just just keep galloping at the same speed and nothing will catch up or run into you?
 
Gone_4_A_Ride

Gone_4_A_Ride

Banned
Matthew Johns and the rest of the 2002 sharks team sighed with relief today after being acquitted of any wrong doing during the 2002 incident involving a young 19 year old New Zealand girl. Turns out she didnt understand the interchange rule.
 
Gone_4_A_Ride

Gone_4_A_Ride

Banned
This 2002 incident involving a young 19 year old New Zealand girl and the Sharks footy team was found out to be all a misunderstanding

When She said

I want Sex

They though she said

I want six
 
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