Regan of Gong
Likes Dirt
It's never too early.
Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter mattvincent
- Start date
bradleyR513
Likes Dirt
The incident also proves that kicking and screaming attracts sharks in the water and on land........
please dont flame me, its not my joke
Timmy!!!
Likes Dirt
The city gent arrives at his farmer friend's farm for a visit. The farmer comes out to greet him, and is accompanied by a three-legged pig.
City gent: How unusual, a three legged pig.
Farmer: Very talented, though.
City gent: In what way?
Farmer: Watch this.
The farmer then tells the pig to fetch the paper. The pig obediently trots (as well as a three-legged pig can trot) down to the letterbox, retrieves the paper, and delivers it to the farmer's feet.
City gent: Impressive!
Farmer: That's nothing. Watch this.
The farmer then tells the pig to bring in the cows and milk them. The pig obediently herds the cows, takes them to the milking shed, and single handed (trottered?) milks every last one of them.
City gent: Wow! That's really impressive.
Farmer: You think that's good? Watch this.
It being dinner time by now, the farmer tells the pig to cook dinner. Obediently, the pig prepares a delightful truffle oil pasta with a bottle of cabernet sauvignon to accompany it, followed by an exquisite cheese board.
City gent: That pig's unbelievable! But tell me, why does it have only three legs?
Farmer: Pig that good? You wouldn't want to eat it all at once!
City gent: How unusual, a three legged pig.
Farmer: Very talented, though.
City gent: In what way?
Farmer: Watch this.
The farmer then tells the pig to fetch the paper. The pig obediently trots (as well as a three-legged pig can trot) down to the letterbox, retrieves the paper, and delivers it to the farmer's feet.
City gent: Impressive!
Farmer: That's nothing. Watch this.
The farmer then tells the pig to bring in the cows and milk them. The pig obediently herds the cows, takes them to the milking shed, and single handed (trottered?) milks every last one of them.
City gent: Wow! That's really impressive.
Farmer: You think that's good? Watch this.
It being dinner time by now, the farmer tells the pig to cook dinner. Obediently, the pig prepares a delightful truffle oil pasta with a bottle of cabernet sauvignon to accompany it, followed by an exquisite cheese board.
City gent: That pig's unbelievable! But tell me, why does it have only three legs?
Farmer: Pig that good? You wouldn't want to eat it all at once!
Last edited:
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what
it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . .So I just switched the heads.'
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what
it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . .So I just switched the heads.'
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.
"But I need it really bad," said the man. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double
dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects." On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said,
"No one showed up...."
"But I need it really bad," said the man. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double
dose." The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects." On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said,
"No one showed up...."
bradleyR513
Likes Dirt
A Penrith girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Penrith girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren ,
Warren and Warren"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Penrith girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just
have to shout Warren , YER DINNER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW
and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Penrith girl... "I just use their surnames"
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Penrith girl,
"Ten?"says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren, Warren ,
Warren and Warren"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Penrith girl.
"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just
have to shout Warren , YER DINNER'S READY or Warren GO TO BED NOW
and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Penrith girl... "I just use their surnames"
PINT of Stella. mate!
Many, many Scotches
A Northern Irishman's walking through the streets at night during the height of 'The Troubles' when a masked figure jumps out at him and sticks a gun to his head.
"Are ya Catholic or Protestant!?" the gunman demands.
Thinking fast the man blurts out "neither, I'm Jewish"
Upon hearing this the gunman proclaims "Fuck ME! I must be the luckiest Arab in the whole of Belfast!"
"Are ya Catholic or Protestant!?" the gunman demands.
Thinking fast the man blurts out "neither, I'm Jewish"
Upon hearing this the gunman proclaims "Fuck ME! I must be the luckiest Arab in the whole of Belfast!"
smitty_jr
Likes Dirt
I finally understand the words of the haka, for years ivé wondered what "come matty, come matty" meant.
also,
poor matty, he got sacked from the NRL, sacked from channel 9, and he got sacked from the storm. its ironic, because the last person who got that much sack was that nz bitch.
(not mine just a couple which i have received lately)
also,
poor matty, he got sacked from the NRL, sacked from channel 9, and he got sacked from the storm. its ironic, because the last person who got that much sack was that nz bitch.
(not mine just a couple which i have received lately)
stingray4100
Squid
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People....
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily,
he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here
and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People....
Icarus
Likes Dirt
From that joke, I can tell that you enjoy gym, top rope and trad...
syphon_the_python
Likes Dirt
Swine Flu Update
I called the Swine Flu hotline … all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.
But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I siad it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of
the aporkalypse.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.
I called the Swine Flu hotline … all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.
But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ... Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I siad it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they're all going to be cured anyway.
News Flash .... this just in. The world's religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of
the aporkalypse.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.
I just heard on the news that, "Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world". Well it’s a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don't believe the spam you're getting.
smitty_jr
Likes Dirt
So by following your rules, i still manage to get a warning????As long as it's not in black.
you know how we feel about the blacks...
and by giving me a warning for a racial joke you seem to be completely hypocritical, as you have made a racial joke, which was written in text, which failed to comply by the rule set out by yourself. (ill quote it in 2 secs, on page 230.)
smitty_jr
Likes Dirt
so you don't think this is racial??? nor inappropriate???