harmonix1234
Eats Squid
Q - What do you call a Psychic Midget that has escaped from jail?
A - A small medium at large
A - A small medium at large
Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter mattvincent
- Start date
Bjorn
Likes Dirt
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down.
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here ? "
The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !
up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down.
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here ? "
The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."
" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Black Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped !
Nabdaddy
Likes Dirt
An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
LOLOLOLOL
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
LOLOLOLOL
PINT of Stella. mate!
Many, many Scotches
So there I was playing FIFA 11 when I noticed that there is an American team called Chicago Fire.
Surely that's in bad taste, naming your team after an horrific event in their home city's history. It's not like you'd ever see a team named The New Orleans Katrinas, London Blitz, San Francisco Big Ones or The New York Jets...
Surely that's in bad taste, naming your team after an horrific event in their home city's history. It's not like you'd ever see a team named The New Orleans Katrinas, London Blitz, San Francisco Big Ones or The New York Jets...
Bjorn
Likes Dirt
The Sydney Olympics.
The Dresden Flames.
The Tunguska Meteors.
The Kapunda Slaughter; too soon?
brodie_rider
Likes Dirt
have you heard the joke about the cordial?
It hasn't been "made" yet
Why did the mexican throw his wife of the cliff?
ToKillHer (pron tequila)
and one for the snow folk
whats the difference between a ski school snake and a regular snake?
In a ski school the a**hole is at the front.
It hasn't been "made" yet
Why did the mexican throw his wife of the cliff?
ToKillHer (pron tequila)
and one for the snow folk
whats the difference between a ski school snake and a regular snake?
In a ski school the a**hole is at the front.
lounge lizard
Likes Bikes
Eh.........go easy on Dyslexic's.....
They're Teople Poo..........
They're Teople Poo..........
here is 2
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
And 1 more
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
And 1 more
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
Some of the best jokes that are on ropes packets that I *cough* pack for lunch.
Were do you take a sick horse? To the horsepital!
Where do you find a one legged horse? Where you left it! BOOM BOOM
Whats a horses favourite sport? Stabletennis!
Hey isn't that the lasso last week? No, Its afraid knot!!
And people say lame jokes are funny
Were do you take a sick horse? To the horsepital!
Where do you find a one legged horse? Where you left it! BOOM BOOM
Whats a horses favourite sport? Stabletennis!
Hey isn't that the lasso last week? No, Its afraid knot!!
And people say lame jokes are funny
You forgotSome of the best jokes that are on ropes packets that I *cough* pack for lunch.
Were do you take a sick horse? To the horsepital!
Where do you find a one legged horse? Where you left it! BOOM BOOM
Whats a horses favourite sport? Stabletennis!
Hey isn't that the lasso last week? No, Its afraid knot!!
And people say lame jokes are funny
what do you call a bull that tells jokes?......... Luagh-A-Bull
I thought that ended with
"ohh ive had 'em all my life"
Binaural
Eats Squid
A policeman in Adelaide pulls over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.
He approaches the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer."
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.
On it is written, "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."
The policeman says, "Okay, then I need you to come and give a blood sample."
The man produces another letter.
This one says, "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
So the officer says, "Right, I need a urine sample then."
The man produces a third letter from his pocket.
It reads, "This man plays test cricket for Australia. Please don't take the piss out of him."
*********************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
*********************************
Last night I picked up a gorgeous young girl in the bar, and took her home.
We became very romantic on the couch and she said: "Make love to me, just like in the movies"
So I tied her up, fucked her hard up the ass, and came in her face.
She went home raging mad and crying.....
I guess we don't like the same kind of movies!
*********************************
A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away
from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine,
Augustiner on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on
the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear
to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in and immediately says:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!".
He approaches the car window and said, "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer."
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.
On it is written, "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath."
The policeman says, "Okay, then I need you to come and give a blood sample."
The man produces another letter.
This one says, "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way."
So the officer says, "Right, I need a urine sample then."
The man produces a third letter from his pocket.
It reads, "This man plays test cricket for Australia. Please don't take the piss out of him."
*********************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
*********************************
Last night I picked up a gorgeous young girl in the bar, and took her home.
We became very romantic on the couch and she said: "Make love to me, just like in the movies"
So I tied her up, fucked her hard up the ass, and came in her face.
She went home raging mad and crying.....
I guess we don't like the same kind of movies!
*********************************
A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away
from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine,
Augustiner on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on
the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear
to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in and immediately says:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more
inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!".
Broken Bones89
Likes Bikes and Dirt
My wife just came in and said to me'I'm so busy I don't know if I'm coming or going!' I said to her 'judging by the look on your face you're going - cos when you're cumming you look like a fucken down syndrome kid trying to whistle!!'
RYDA
Likes Bikes and Dirt
Lucky you?