Ok, it's time for a special holiday road trip edition of 'What gets my goat!'
First of all I've got to give a mention to
South Coast NSW. Why are you so f***ing far away!? A 7 hr drive is not really my idea of a good day spent on holiday. I could fly to bloody Bali in less time! Sort yourself out and make yourself closer to Melbourne!
Next up:
Caravans F***ing giant white crawling behemoths, spoiling my view of the road ahead and forcing me to drive at a snails pace for miles as half the f***ing geriatrics in charge of them are too senile to realise they have a queue forming behind them longer than the bar-line for a Scottish pub dishing out free beer.
Boats Even worse than caravans. Caravan owners tend to at least be kindly old couples who whilst arent always the most thoughtful when in transit, they'll always at least keep you fed with tea, scones and VB when you're camping. Lvely folk, really and always good for a game of bocci! Boat drivers however are total pricks and their conversations are the epitome of tedious one-upmanship. I don't care how much it cost. I don't care how big the fish you catch in it are, I don't care how many horsepower the engines have, i just care that you are
in my f***ing way! get your bloody over-rated dinghy off the road and back where it belongs: In Davey Jones locker!
Dozy cow who sat in the passenger seat of her van for 20 minutes at the servo whilst her boyfriend ordered a ton of junk food and spent a lifetime choosing which f***ing energy drink he identified with most before joining the worlds longest queue Hi. it's me, the pissed off looking bloke in the car that's running right in front of you. Y'know the one that's waiting to get at the f***ing petrol pump that your piece of shit slow-arse Wicked campervan is obstructing. it's not f***ing rocket science. MOVE THE CAR!!!!!!! Where's Ivan Milat when you need him eh?
Bloke driving the SS ute that's rebadged as a Chevrolet I passed in Lakes entrance You were towing a jet-ski. I bet you had a f***ing Ed Hardy shirt on too! Must you really make poking fun at stereotypes so easy?
The cop riding the cool-as-fuck black unmarked 1200cc+ BMW sports tourer. C'mon lads, play fair! How the hell are we supposed to spot that!
The little kid in Bairnsdale who wagged his finger at me disapprovingly at the lights when he caught me picking my nose Who are you to judge me, ya little shit!? I've had a hard day and the festive season has left me feeling a little bit clogged up and I'll remove my snot any way I want. F*** you! Santa Claus isn't real, neither is the Tooth Fairy and btw, you were adopted!
And people do this shit
every year!?