Jokes Thread.

Andrew.F

Andrew.F

Likes Dirt
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
 
Andrew.F

Andrew.F

Likes Dirt
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.
 
Andrew.F

Andrew.F

Likes Dirt
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.


IM DONE FOR NOW :D
 
Hopper

Hopper

Likes Dirt
Why do women get married in white dresses?


So they match the other kitchen appliances.


Don't hurt me :p
 
S

spinner

Likes Bikes and Dirt
Two bees driving down the road pick up an ant hitch hiking. After a while the car sputters to a stop. The passenger bee gets out and takes a wizz in the fuel tank. The driver bee restarts the car and off they go.

After another hour or so , the same thing happens. Car splutters to a stop , but this time the driver bee gets out and pees in the fuel tank , gets back in and off they go.

Another hour down the road and the car splutters to a halt once again. The ant says "hey , I got it this time" and starts to climb out of the car.

" No , she's right mate " replied one of the bees heading to the fuel tank again. "anyway , it only takes BP"
 
mattvincent

mattvincent

Likes Dirt
what do you call 50 polititians at the bottom of the ocean?...........A good start!!!!

Whats a true aussie mans idea of a seven course dinner.......... A meat pie and a 6 pack

What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreeen??..................................Never take her out again

(heres nother light bulb 1) How many men does it take to change a light bulb?..... one, and nine to pin the medal on his chest.

how many blondes does it take to make choc chip cookies?........... 10, one to make the dough and 9 to peel the smarties.
 
Last edited:
S

Shaun

Likes Dirt
The young boy ask's his father,
" Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
Dad replies, " Well son, go ask your mother, sister and brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million bucks, and come back and tell me in a couple of days when you figure it out for yourself."

he ask's his mother" Would you sleep with brad Pitt fotr a million bucks?"
" Sure!" she replies, " That would help put each of you kids through Uni"

then he ask's his sister." Hell yeah!" she screams, " Do you have any idea how hot he is?"

finally he ask's his brother, and to his dismay he replies, " For sure, do you know how much money that is?"

after a couple of days he goes back to his dad. " what did you find out son?"
" Well potentially we could be sitting on 3 million bucks, but realistically we are living with 2 tarts and a queer."

kinda bad but its the only one i could think of.
 
villy

villy

Likes Dirt
Mod Edit: There's a fine line when it comes to sexist humour. Encouragement of violence against women will not be tolerated, even when dressed up as a joke.

Why don't women need watches?

Because theres a clock on the stove.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
seach

seach

Likes Bikes
3 criminals are given the death sentance by firing squad.
The first crim goes out and stands before the grunts(firing squad i can be bothered to right it again) and shouts "earthquake"
The grunts all run for shelter.
the second crim comes out and stands before the grunts and shouts "tornado"
the grunts all run for shelter
The third crim comes out and stands before the grunts. The grunts take aim as the third crim gathers his breath and shouts...

"FIRE"
 
donthucktoflat

donthucktoflat

Eats Squid
how many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

ten. one to put in the new one, one to drop the old one and break the glass, one to cut himself with the broken glass and seven to sit around writing poems about how hard life is.


at a blonde convention, there was a guy trying to convince people that blondes are not stupid so he asks for a volunteer to go up on stage. he then asks her the answer to one plus one.

after some deliberation the nervous blonde replies "3" and the whole crown chante "give her another try, give her another try".

ok says the presenter and asks the blonde the question again. this time, after some more thinking, she comes up and says "1!" the whole crownd again chants give her another try! give her another try!

ok, last chance, the presenter announces. the blonde goes into even more intense concentration and finally says "two". the whole crowd chants "give her another try, give hr another try!"
 
Vicious_Fishes

Vicious_Fishes

Banned
yeah i'm with villy on that one

ok, my efforts,

heard about the two gay irishmen,

michael fitzpatrick & patrick fitzmichael;)

i've got some shocking racist ones but of course i'm not allowed to post them:cool:
 
RedPill

RedPill

Likes Dirt
Why havent women been to the moon.... Coz it doesnt need cleaning.

Why arnt women good skiers? Coz their is no snow between the laundry and the kitchen.

What do you say to a women with two black eyes? Nothing you already told her twice.

Why do blondes wear tight skirts? to keep their legs together.

What do blondes do when they wake up in the morning? get up and go home.

What have you done wrong if your women comes into the t.v room and slaps u... You left the chain to long.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

A blonde and a brunette jump off a building which one will hit the ground 1st? The brunette, the blonde will stop and ask for directions.

Why dont blondes say the persons name when their have sex? their mum told them never to talk to strangers.

Why do blondes put lipstick on the forehead? To make up their mind.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top