Vicious_Fishes
Banned
no snow between the kitchen & laundry, brilliant
Jokes Thread.
- Thread starter mattvincent
- Start date
Mahoney_007
Likes Bikes and Dirt
villy said:
So they are all fine? But the womens rights one isnt? Smells like the pot calling the kettle black to me. I think we are all mature enough to realise they are only jokes.villy[I said:
Zooke
Likes Bikes
A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.
When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fast, young man" she says; "You won't get breakfast
until you're chores are done!"
Perturbed, the boy stomps out of the house to do his chores.
On the way to the barn, he shoves the cow out of his way.
Then he kicks the rooster in his frustration. At the pig
pen, he pulls the sow's ears.
Finally he finishes his chores and returns to the kitchen to
get his breakfast.
His mom says, "I saw you shove the cow, and for that you
won't have milk for breakfast. I also saw you kick the
rooster; for that, no eggs. And I saw you pull the sow's
ears; for that, no bacon.
At that very moment, the little boy's Dad walks through the
door and trips over the cat. Pissed off, he kicks the cat
across the room.
The little boy looks up to his Mom and says, "Are you going
to tell him or am I?"
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.
When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fast, young man" she says; "You won't get breakfast
until you're chores are done!"
Perturbed, the boy stomps out of the house to do his chores.
On the way to the barn, he shoves the cow out of his way.
Then he kicks the rooster in his frustration. At the pig
pen, he pulls the sow's ears.
Finally he finishes his chores and returns to the kitchen to
get his breakfast.
His mom says, "I saw you shove the cow, and for that you
won't have milk for breakfast. I also saw you kick the
rooster; for that, no eggs. And I saw you pull the sow's
ears; for that, no bacon.
At that very moment, the little boy's Dad walks through the
door and trips over the cat. Pissed off, he kicks the cat
across the room.
The little boy looks up to his Mom and says, "Are you going
to tell him or am I?"
Zooke
Likes Bikes
Q: What do you do when you see your husband staggering
around the backyard?
A: Re-load.
This just in . . .
Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual
occurrence in the Obstetrics department. A child was born
with both male and female organs:
a penis and a brain.
Men-tal Anxiety
Men-opause
Men-tal Breakdown.
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don't know it has never happened.
Q: Why are guys like lawn mowers?
A: They emit foul odors, are hard to get started, and do not
last for long.
Am I allowed to keep going????
around the backyard?
A: Re-load.
This just in . . .
Duke University Medical Center is reporting an unusual
occurrence in the Obstetrics department. A child was born
with both male and female organs:
a penis and a brain.
Men-tal Anxiety
Men-opause
Men-tal Breakdown.
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
We don't know it has never happened.
Q: Why are guys like lawn mowers?
A: They emit foul odors, are hard to get started, and do not
last for long.
Am I allowed to keep going????
Labcanary
One potato, two potato, click
^^^Hehe, classic!Zooke said:
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Lowrider#1
Likes Dirt
A group of bikers is in a bar one night, when a drunk stumbles over and picks shit with the biggest, toughest, strongest, meanest biker in the group.
The drunk says to the biker, "I saw your mother naked last night and she is f*chen fine!!"
The bikie seems a little annoyed at the drunk, but doesn't move a muscle. This suprises his mates because usually he'll beat the shit out of anything that even looks at him the wrong way, let alone a drunken old man.
The drunk continues, "When i saw your mother naked I made love to her!!"
Again, nothing from the biker, except he's getting a little more disgruntled.
Finally, the drunk says, "I made love to your mother and she loved every second of it!!"
At this point, the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the front of his shirt, and screams, "Dad! Go home!! You're pissed!!"
The drunk says to the biker, "I saw your mother naked last night and she is f*chen fine!!"
The bikie seems a little annoyed at the drunk, but doesn't move a muscle. This suprises his mates because usually he'll beat the shit out of anything that even looks at him the wrong way, let alone a drunken old man.
The drunk continues, "When i saw your mother naked I made love to her!!"
Again, nothing from the biker, except he's getting a little more disgruntled.
Finally, the drunk says, "I made love to your mother and she loved every second of it!!"
At this point, the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the front of his shirt, and screams, "Dad! Go home!! You're pissed!!"
peachy
Ripe 'n ready!
i LOVE this joke sorry if someone posted it, couldn't be botehred reading all of them.
sorry nz ppl
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!" Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10
unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.
She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA – SIZE: SMALL
sorry nz ppl
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!" Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10
unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.
She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA – SIZE: SMALL
Vicious_Fishes
Banned
LOL that one's easily the best so far
harrypowell
Banned
i here thatmpdowling said:
danv
Likes Dirt
Haha you saw that guy John Burgos too? He was hilarious. He was medditeranean/terrorist stereotype looking looking in appearance, making jokes about getting his own seat on the train and all those issues.t said:gee petrol prices are expensive, huh
"I was watching all this stuff on TV you know, september 11, Osama Bin Laden calling Islamists to arms. All the Muslim fundamentilists arking up to the west. And I started to feel something you know, I started to think, well shit, maybe I should be doing something here. And then I thought to myself John, your Spanish and your an athiest, shut the hell up."
enjoi
Likes Bikes
Whats the difference between a truck-load of sand and a truck-load of babies?
You cant move sand with a pitchfork.
Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
What goes round and round and taps on windows?
A baby in a microwave.
Whats worse than 10 babies in 1 bucket?
1 baby in 10 buckets.
Yeah I know I'm sick...
You cant move sand with a pitchfork.
Whats funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown suit.
What goes round and round and taps on windows?
A baby in a microwave.
Whats worse than 10 babies in 1 bucket?
1 baby in 10 buckets.
Yeah I know I'm sick...
mattvincent
Likes Dirt
Must Read Quite Funny
there is a housewifes meeting in a random country. there is a austrailia, a english lady and a american lady. the american stads up and says i am not going to do the washing for a week. everybody cheers.
the english lady stands up and says i will not clean the dishes for a week. everybody cheers.
the austrailian stands up and says i will not clean the dishes or do the washing for a week. every body cheers.
the group agreed to meet again in two weeks. and they went home to tell their husbands the news.
-2 weeks later at meeting
The american lady says well i did what i said i was going to do and one teh 1st day i saw nothing, on the 2nd day i saw nothing, on the 3rd day he did the washing, crowd cheers
the english lady stands and says. on the 1st day i saw nothing, on the 2nd day i saw nothing, on the 3rd day he did the dishes.
The austrailan lady stands and says. on the 1st day i saw nothing, on the
2nd day i saw nothing, on the 3rd day i could see a little bit out my left eye.
there is a housewifes meeting in a random country. there is a austrailia, a english lady and a american lady. the american stads up and says i am not going to do the washing for a week. everybody cheers.
the english lady stands up and says i will not clean the dishes for a week. everybody cheers.
the austrailian stands up and says i will not clean the dishes or do the washing for a week. every body cheers.
the group agreed to meet again in two weeks. and they went home to tell their husbands the news.
-2 weeks later at meeting
The american lady says well i did what i said i was going to do and one teh 1st day i saw nothing, on the 2nd day i saw nothing, on the 3rd day he did the washing, crowd cheers
the english lady stands and says. on the 1st day i saw nothing, on the 2nd day i saw nothing, on the 3rd day he did the dishes.
The austrailan lady stands and says. on the 1st day i saw nothing, on the
2nd day i saw nothing, on the 3rd day i could see a little bit out my left eye.
ManiCC
Likes Dirt
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
cheers
mark
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
cheers
mark