Jokes Thread.

Dicky

Dicky

Punter God
A man takes his girlfriend along when picking up his new sports car.

On the way home, she turns to him and says, "If you can do 100km/h, I'll take my top off."
No worries. Foot goes down, top comes up.

A few minutes later she turns to him again and says "If you can do 200km/h, I'll take my panties off."

The guy is in an 80 zone - 100 is no problem, 200 is a different story.
But he thinks hell, why not.

Up goes the speedo, down go the pants.

Swerving in and out of traffic at well above twice the speed limit with your naked missus next to you is no easy task...
he soon gets distracted and takes his eyes off the road, loses control through a corner and slides off into a ditch, where the car rolls, trapping him.
With no seatbelt on to get undressed, she is miraculously thrown clear, and lands in a nice soft hedge.

She promptly gets up and runs back to the car...
"Oh my god darling, are you OK?"

"Yes, but I'm trapped. You'll have to go get help."

"But I'm NAKED. I can't just ask somebody for help."

"Well... take one of your shoes off, and hold it up in front of you."

So off she walks, holding a shoe in front of her nether regions.
Soon she arrives at a petrol station. She goes in, walks past several astonished customers, up to the counter and says
"You have to help me! I've just been involved in an accident and my boyfriend's trapped!"

The clerk takes a look at her, and a look down at the shoe, and promptly says...


















"I'm sorry ma'am, he's too far in, there's nothing we can do."
 
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sasser

sasser

Likes Dirt
peachy said:
i LOVE this joke sorry if someone posted it, couldn't be botehred reading all of them.
sorry nz ppl

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!" Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion
condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10
unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold.

She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........













MADE IN AUSTRALIA – SIZE: SMALL
Click to expand...
so you read street machine too ey?
 
PINT of Stella. mate!

PINT of Stella. mate!

Many, many Scotches
A paedophile's walking through the woods with a small child when the kid starts to cry saying, "I don't like this, it's cold, dark and scary out here"

To which the paedophile replies

"how do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"







I'll get my coat....
 
blt2ride

blt2ride

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A man (we'll call John) was in a store when he noticed a very attractive blonde women looking at him. After a few minutes the women walks up to him and says, "Hi John, you're the father of one of my kids." The man, who has been married for several years, didn't recognize the women.

John thought really hard, and said that he had only cheated on his wife once, and that was the night before his wedding. John figured she must have been the stripper he had sex with. John went a head a confessed his sins: "You're the one I had sex with on the pool table while all of my friends watched and cheered on, right? The blonde, who looked really confused said, " well no, I'm your son's math teacher...
 
Dicky

Dicky

Punter God
brusier said:
what did the farmer say to the farmer?


WHere farmers
Click to expand...
It's funny cos you spelt it wrong...
...kinda like your username :p





What's pink and yellow and lies at the bottom of a pool?

Baby with slashed floaties.

What's pink and red and yellow and lies at the top of a pool?

Floaties with slashed baby.

What's white and green and yellow and lies at the bottom of a pool?

The baby from the first joke, 6 weeks later...





What's the best way to stop a baby swinging around in circles on a clothesline?

A shovel.


How many babies does it take to wallpaper a room?

Depends on how thinly you slice them.


Ok, I'll stop now...
 
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hardtail_rider

hardtail_rider

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a little old, but:

one day Shit, Shutup and Manners are driving down a street untill Shit opens the door, falls out and splats all over the road. Manners begins to clean it up. meanwhile, Shutup goes to the police station to report the incedent.
The Police Officer asks: "whats your name?"
Shutup replies: "Shutup"
The Officer repeats his question: "whats your name?"
Shutup again explains: "Shutup!"
The police officer demands: "for the last time, whats your name?"
Shutup yells: "Shutup!"
"wheres your manners?" asks the officer
Shupup says: cleaning up the shit that fell on the side of the road.
 
mtb freek

mtb freek

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why does ronald mcdonald wear baggy pants?



so you cant see his quarter pounder with cheese:p


there were 2 men walking through a park 1 named pete the othere guys name was repeat pete died how was left?

repeat........there were 2 men walking through a park..............get it
 
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Eddy

Eddy

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A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,

'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!



Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"



The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within a half an hour, she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."

yea i got a few more
 
B

beaumont

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A man is leaving a bar late Wednesday night when he sees a woman in the shadows between two cars in the parking lot. "Twenty bucks," she says. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks. They're going at it in the back seat for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm fucking my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shone that light in her face."
 
B

beaumont

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A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply.
"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist.
"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman.

"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40", said the dentist.

"Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist.

"Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday" ?
 
DEMONATION

DEMONATION

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an inventor has a wife that is due to have a baby and his wife is terribly anxious about the labour pain so her inventor husband drems up a machine that transfers pain from the pregnant lady to the father of the baby. well the lady finally has her baby and when she starts in labour the man gets out the machine and says alright im about to put this machine into 25% pain into the father. so he starts the machine in 25% and he feels no differant, the wife says hey i feel a bit better. so then the puzzled husband turns the machine to 50 percent and still feels fine he asks his wife "honey how are you feeling?" the wife again says that it is working and begs for him to turn it to 100%. so he does and she is laughing and feeling great while most women would feel the most extruciating pain. she says to her genius husband u have invented a machine that takes away pain at nobodys expense.
the new new proud parents (and the worlds newest super inventor might i add) come home from the hospital the next day with no complictions... to find the milkman lying on the porch dead holding his blood soaked groin.
 
B

beaumont

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Q:What is the different between Michael Jackson and pimples?

A:pimples wait till your 13 before they come on your face.

Q:Why did michael jackson cross the road?

A:He saw someone blowing bubbles and tthought hed join in!!!

Michael jackson went to hospital the other day......Apparently he chocked on a small bone!!!!!

Michael Jackson is on a sinking ship with 50 boy scouts. the captain says "come on to the life boat theres only room for two" Michael Jacson says "but what about the children?" the captain says "Fuck the children" to which Micahael Jackson replies... "Do we have time?"
 
B

beaumont

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Q: how do you circumsice a tasmanian?
A: kick his sister in the chin

Q1:how do u fit 1000 ethiopiens in a telephone booth?
A1:throw a twistie in there
Q:2how do u get them back out?
A:2run past with the packet

Q:how do u drown a blonde?
A:put a scratch and sniff sticker in the botton of the pool
 
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